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AngryBeaver Sat 11-Aug-12 00:58:37

Arrgh,had to start a new thread!

Yes,you can get more land in Tauranga. Well,somewhere like Omokoroa or somewhere.Wouldn't want to live much closer than that. And I woulkdn't want to live at he Mount. Lovely as it is. Too touristy,imo.
We would like enough land for a pool (eventually) maybe a sleepout and still enough for a veggie patch and garden for kids. Don't neeed acres +. Wouldn't say no though,if we could afford it! Be nice to have a few sheep or something/

I think Mum would have to fly to Tauranga. So that would be
Manchester-London,London-Singapore, Singapore-Aukland,Aukland- Tauranga

justa howws the back? Hope physio was a help,we may have driven past you!
Your house sounds great.
My mums friend lives in Silverdale.She has about an acre with some sheep etc
Wasn't overly impressed at but didn't give it a proper look I suppose,just stopped to buy flowers for Mums friend! Always worth another look

thelittlestkiwi Sat 24-Nov-12 01:15:46

Frik- So sorry to hear your news. It is a bloody awful situation and I hope your pal has some well time to spend with you and her loved ones.

Lolly- I'd be in a rage too. Sometimes I think maternity leave sets us women up as primary carers and that is a hard psychological barrier to break down. But your DH should be sorting out a sitter. Could you ask wonderful nanny to do some overtime? I've got a pal visiting next Friday or would offer.

AB - I'll hope your mum has good suggestions to make. But otherwise she really doesn't have any/final say in any of your decisions. Be strong.

I just went to by some wood paint for a bit of furniture I bought at an op shop last week. $57 for 1 litre! Maybe I should use gold leaf instead. FFS.

AngryBeaver Sat 24-Nov-12 03:55:51

That's me told lolly!
The thing with my Mum is that she is just worried about my emotional and physiological state. She thinks that my body is being put under too much pressure by me repeatedly becoming pregnant. She says "You have to remember that you are MY baby and it breaks my heart to watch you keep doing this to yourself, please give your poor body a rest" that type of thing.
BUT,she is a retired Head teacher,and as such is a bit dictatorial. And she can be emotionally manipulative,imo. Albeit unwittingly (I hope!)
I think another thing she wants to talk about is my response to the news that her dp was not coming with her to visit. That will be the bollocking looong talk.
Anyway, we'll see.....
I would be utterly pissed off with dh if he played the visa card. Have you resolved anything yet? What about your nanny, would she consider it? Mind, I suppose she will have been working all day too,so may not want to do a night shift as well!
frick That is so sad. Her poor family. Terribly unfair sad

vvviola House is great thanks! So much better than the last, which, now I am out of I will tell you, was fucking CREEPY as eh?! Lots of strange goings on. Me no likey <cowers at memories>
So much happier here, more like a family home. Great garden, high hedges and fences. AND <drumroll> TWO dishwashers. Have soooo missed a dishwasher (I was it!)
Dh gave me my xmas pressie early. A bike. (haven't cycled since Uni)
So I purchased some lycra,put it on, looked in the mirror and said to dh
"Oh fuck, I look like those Before and After photos.... and I'm not the After, am I?"
He ran away grin

WhatSheSaid Sat 24-Nov-12 04:42:22

What was your reaction to her dp not coming out AB? Tbh I'd be quite pleased if mil's dh didn't come out - he finds the kids quite hard work and doesnt try to hide the fact. Mil adores them but I always feel he is just tolerating them, which can be quite hard over six weeks, in your own home.

I agree that she shouldn't give you a hard time, it's natural for her to be concerned but a bit of support would surely be more helpful than a bollocking.

frik so sorry to hear about your friend.

lollystix I'd be pissed off about that too. I had to pull precedence the other week when I had a hen night and it clashed with a friends birthday dh wanted to go to. I had booked the night out weeks and weeks earlier as I reminded dh several times! Luckily we both arrived here on separate visas and got our respective residencies before we even met so we can't try on that (crappy) visa excuse!

AngryBeaver Sat 24-Nov-12 07:07:59

Mums dp is similar. He does try, but it's a bit hit and miss and you can see it's a huge effort.
But, I have no father, hence kids have no biological grandad. So Mums dp is Grandad to them. The kids know no different and adore him.
Since we announced we were moving he has distanced himself and made it known that he thinks we are cruel for doing this to my mother. That we have broken her heart and her life has suffered a fracture that will never heal. You know, nothing heavy or accusatory!

Anyway, he is like a guard dog with Mum. He ABSOLUTELY worships her and anything that upsets her is regarded as a massive problem to him.
Anyway, there was (as you know) huge drama regarding the move and things have been tense with him since then. He came over last year and stayed for 4 weeks, Mum stayed 8.
He enjoyed NZ but said if it weren't for us he would never visit again.
Now we barely see him on Skype. He might stick his head in and say "hulloo!" and then go off again. The kids have asked why Grandad doesn't talk to them anymore.

Mum says he is busy, or tired after having got in from Rotary or some shit.
Now mum is arriving next week and staying til March. She is making a lot of noise about how she is having to have an early Xmas with db and dn "because she'll be here" (big sigh) and "having to see all my friends and sort out all birthday presents until march because of course, I'll be in NZ" (big sigh) now it is "dp got very emotional last night at the thought of me leaving him for so long,it's going to be very hard for us both" I said "well I don't understand why he doesn't come with you then!"
This is when the long talk came into it.

She says it's about money, which is bullshit as they're wealthy and he has just bought a brand new soft top bmw or merc or something, given his daughter 20k for deposit on apartment in London and has a VERY good pension, plus he still does Consultancy work. ( I KNOW he has every right to spend his money as he chooses, my point is that it's totally not about money)
I said "Well the flight is not that much, you have already paid for the accomodation and he will just eat as he would at home? So whats the problem??" That was met with "oh you don't know you're born my girl!...I wouldn't come out here more than once or twice to see HIS daughters" (Totally different as they lived with their mum from late teens and mum really likes them but has totally different relationship than me and him)

Now it's changed and it's about blood pressure and insurance.

The bottom line is (as I've always suspected) he pretends to love me and the children to gain brownie points with Mum, but doesn't really give much of a shit. Certainly not enough to come and visit with Mum.
You wish you hadn't asked now don't you??

lollystix Sat 24-Nov-12 08:10:24

when did he and your mum get together AB? How do you feel - can't be arsed to be loaded with the guilt or genuinely upset that he feels this way?

DH upset today. his dada said they may come to visit in Feb which was a whole year before they had originally planned (Feb 2014 planned). his dad said he had money for flights. DH has had his hopes up for the last 2 weeks. Email today to say they aren't coming as it would be late feb/march to fir with time off work for him and he thinks the weather won't be good enough to warrant the trip?!! A) the weather will be better than a UK summer by far B) is he coming for the sun or his son?

I think I have a sitter btw (note - I've organised it through friends who I am going out with). Thanks for the offer justa - bit far for you to pop over

WhatSheSaid Sat 24-Nov-12 08:47:44

Weather is great in late Feb/March! Well, it usually is, not so much last summer.

AngryBeaver Sat 24-Nov-12 09:31:20

Mum and Dad divorced when I was 9. Mum remarried about 1 year later to a horrible, emotionally abusive man. That lasted 5 years (of hell) Then she agreed to a date with her boss, who she had worked with for 18 years or something, so I knew him. I think I was around 16/17 when they got together. He taught me to drive, walked me down the aise.
But, he is emotionally stunted. I think he is bi polar,tbh.
He does really try and is a lovely kind man. People describe him as a real gentleman. But he is one of these people who is extremely intelligent, but a bit thick! V. bright but limited social skills.
I know he cares for me, but I have never let myself "love" him, as I have been let down so often in the past, and he is not consistent.
Yes, I am hurt he is doing this. But am shrugging it off. Am mainly hurt for the kids,as dh's parents aren't arsed either. So that's erm, 1 grandparent in total. Not good.

That's pretty crap of your PIL lolly, why did he mention he would come if it wasn't concrete?! And WEATHER? Lame.
Feel sorry for your dh. Has he redeemed himself re Friday night, or still in the doghouse?

And yes, weather was pretty good last year around then anyway!

lollystix Sat 24-Nov-12 10:35:13

he doesn't realise he is in the doghouse because I can't be arsed with the fight to be honest - DH never admits he could be being unreasonable and turns it alot of the time. But secretly I'm seething as he had a go at me last week as I said he didn't like me going out and he said he's always encouraging me to go out - and then he goes and does this.

To pull the visa card was really low...I'm working just as many hours as him for more money which isn't really the point I know but when you're working hard to be told your contribution isn't important sucks. When we have residency he won't be able to give me this shit as it's not the first time this one has been mentionned. Anyway he's hardly going to lose his job because he doesn't go to (another) chirstmas drinking session that he was given a week's notice on. He's out on the Thursday and Saturday with them all FFS - and now the Friday!

Stepfathers and stepmothers....I have one of each and therein likes another few threads in themselves!

lollystix Sat 24-Nov-12 10:47:42

Tell all about new house AB

Sibble Sat 24-Nov-12 18:15:39

lollystix do yourself a favour and don't post on the am I being unreasonable thread. DH is always doing similar to me (last week he was meant to pick the boys up as I had to work late - off site visit - North Shore, I rang at 2.30 to make sure he had left work to be told - No I am about to go into a meeting and you will have to do the school pick up - I was at work FFS, anyway I did and amazingly made it to school by 3.30). Anyway I once posted something and was told in no uncertain terms I was an embarrasment to the sisterhood for not sorting him out and should either leave the boys for the school to ring him and him to sort out (not an option in my book) or divorce him (a bit drastic!).

Anyway a rather long winded way of offering sympathy and enjoy yourself.

BTW I am in Hamilton tomorrow so he is going to find it hard to let me down tomorrow as I don't think with all the will in the world I can get back from there at the drop of a hat....

Sibble Sat 24-Nov-12 18:19:53

an on another note as justabout asked for posts to keep her occupied (thoughts are with you btw) what a fantastic weekend. Summer is on it's way, spent all day gardening, BBQ last night, cold glass of wine. DH has gone out on an errand already and I'm in bed having a very lazy start to Sunday - more gardening and maybe a trip to the beach for a long walk later. DS2 is training for the weetbix tryathlon at the moment so lots of walks while he runs and cycles - all good fun.

justaboutchilledout Sat 24-Nov-12 19:42:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thelittlestkiwi Sat 24-Nov-12 20:02:26

Lolly- you know you'd probably get a visa on your own now you have a job.... Not to add ammo or anything.

lollystix Sat 24-Nov-12 21:37:28

Yep - I know if I asked my employer to sponsor me they could probs justify it due my specific experience that fits to the role I'm in.

Sibble - I know what you mean about letting sisterhood down. Thing is I know if I said he needed to be home he just wouldn't come home. It's too entrenched in our relationship sadly. Ultimately I don't have many friends who don't ultimately pick up the slack all the time. sad

Sibble Sun 25-Nov-12 00:35:47

I know, the more I dig my heels in the worse dh gets (or so it feels) so I gave up many years ago. I do have to say though that he is much much better now the boys are getting older. They have boys nights where they have take aways, watch sport and drink fizzy drinks and I get to go out!!! I even got to go home this year on my own (although he is still using that as a trump card and I have a feeling will milk it for a long time yet!) Likewise I have few friends who's dps or dhs are not similar.

As for step parents I am lucky as I think my step dad is a martyr to live with my Mum and I was a bi*ch when I was younger to him. I am also a step mum and being on the other side is not easy either - I would never marry somebody with a ready made family again and like justabout probably would not re-marry if anything happened - all too hard really.

Anyway, back to the garden....

WhatSheSaid Sun 25-Nov-12 01:54:01

I agree, I would never post anything marital in AIBU or Relationships. The stock response always seems to be Leave The Bastard (which is understandable in some threads but totally OTT in others).

I love how much busier it is in summer. I just got that council freebie mag Our Auckland in the letterbox and sometimes it's a bit dull ("look at our exciting new sewage treatment plans!") but this month I was looking through it thinking, hmm...Christmas carnival...outdoor cinema at Silo Park...Music in Parks.

thelittlestkiwi Sun 25-Nov-12 08:02:24

Anyone watching NZ's Got talent? Wow, I'm so impressed. I think I like the fact that these amazing performers look real and not manufactured.

WhatSheSaid Sun 25-Nov-12 08:16:49

I watched the first episode but haven't watched it since...I'm watching some spy drama on UKTV. I'm wondering how many people they asked who said no before they got down to the guy from UB40 as a judge though!

thelittlestkiwi Sun 25-Nov-12 08:20:09

Snigger. Yes, he is a rather random choice!

justaboutchilledout Sun 25-Nov-12 09:10:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vvviola Sun 25-Nov-12 09:23:25

We wimped out. DD2 as well as being choked with a cold is going through a particularly "independent" stage at the moment.

The thoughts of having to keep her confined to her buggy at a parade ... or worse still, letting her out... confused

Instead we taught DD1 to ride her bike without stabilisers. and I didn't cry one bit, oh no, not me

frikonastick Sun 25-Nov-12 10:27:26

everyone has areas of their relationships that work, and areas that dont.

its very frustrating when you have an area that causes stress and upset and you would quite like a rant / commisserate / advice without being told that the only possible solution is to leave your husband.

not to mention that only serves to make YOU feel even more shit. and not your husband. who is the one that needs a painful kick in the balls.

the hard thing, is like lolly says, when certain parts of how things work are completely entrenched. and its not like you can forensically cut those bits out, examine them, put them back in a fashion that better suits, and then plug it back in!

so, sympathies :-)

WhatSheSaid Sun 25-Nov-12 16:53:06

Santa Parade - we just go to a local one rather than the big one in town. Less hassle.

AngryBeaver Sun 25-Nov-12 20:26:14

lolly Don't leave the bastard! Just do this

AngryBeaver Sun 25-Nov-12 20:27:19


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