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Moving into the Hospice(235 Posts)
Some of you may know me, most of you won't of heard of me but today at 34 years old I am moving into the local Hospice as I know my life is coming to the end.
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2011 and fought it with surgery and chemotherapy and was lucky enough after being the all clear to fall pregnant with a third child.
Unfortunately in October 2013 I found out that the cancer had returned as secondary bowel cancer in the form of peritoneal disease and liver metastases.
Since October I have undergone 2 more gruelling cycles of chemotherapy and numerous hospital admissions and my tumour is not shrinking and not reacting the the chemotherapy at all.
Everything reached a climax following the bank holiday at the end of May and after two days with the children at Legoland I was back in A&E with uncontrollable pain and vomitting.
Since then my health has spiralled downhill and last week after my discharge from hospital I took the selfish/selfless decision that i do not want to die at home and need to leave lots of happy memories for my children in the home and create new memories for them in the hospice.
I blog about my journey and decisions here
i'm not sure why i am posting this here, but i suppose i want to raise more awareness of bowel cancer and if this post prompts someone to go and get their poo checked out by the GP it will all be worthwhile for me.
Oh Knittingnovice I am so very sorry. In February we took our 18 year old son out of hospital and to an amazing hospice to spend his last few days of his life. He had cancer too, but of the brain. The hospice was truly amazing, it was peaceful, calm and they looked after all of us. I stayed every single second with him, slept next to him. It was very dignified for him and he was surrounded by love for the 5 nights he was there.
Very few people talk about death. My son knew he was very ill, he knew what a hospice was, but in his moments of clarity he still chose to talk as if he would be leaving there and going off to university. It was his way of coping with his own death.
I hope that you can have some peaceful family time whilst you are there. There was much laughter with my son and even in his last few hours we wanted him to hear laughter and love. We tried to keep our tears until he had gone.
It was the best death we could give him and I am very grateful that there are such places.
I wish you love, peace, strength and dignity xxxxxx
Knitting novice I have no wise words but I wanted to acknowledge your post. What a crappy hand you have been dealt! I hope you are taking comfort from the fact that you will live on in your dcs. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I hope you have love and support. Stay strong and good luck for the next part of your journey.
Knitting I'm so sorry. I really don't know what to say. Sending love xxx
Knittingnovice, I hope your hospice will provide the care and support you need to be able to enjoy seeing your children, to have some peace and strength to get the most out of whatever time you will be granted and to allow your family to see you well-looked after.
It is very unfair that you find yourself having to make this decision, but your strength as a person is clear from your post.
I only know hospices and people who use them in a professional capacity and am regularly in awe and humbled by what a difference they make to people's lives.
I am so sorry and I am humbled by your strength which shines through your post.
I will be thinking of you and your lovely family and wishing you peace and strength.
I am so sorry. What rotten luck for you and your family.
Going into the hospice sounds like a sensible and positive decision. Everyone I know who has had experience of hospice care has spoken of how wonderful it is, not just for the sufferer but for the whole family.
I'll be thinking of you and yours.
Knitting novice, I am so sad for you, you make such a brave and loving decision for your DC's and I'm sure they will take lots of memories of your love with them as they go through life.
When my mum died a while back, before she went she told me 'it is very important that you know how much I love you, as you have lots of years to live after I am gone', Those few words of love have been so much comfort for me in tough times.
Wishing you much love and peace on your journey
Thank you for all your words of support. It is amazing how anonymous strangers on the internet can make you feel better about some of the shit that life throws at you continuously.
I wept reading your post.
You are displaying such strength and courage and forbearance.
Your children are lucky to have had you; even if your time with them is less than is fair.
I wish you peace and love.
Knitting I remember you from the tamoxifen threads, I'm sorry to hear your news, sounds like the decision to go into the hospice is the right one for you and your family. Lots of love x
Wishing you and your family love and peace and strength.
knitting I am truly humbled by your bravary and courage. Your post has me in tears.
Your children should be very proud of you.
I'm so sorry.what a brave choice. I don't know what to say, but I will think of you
I am so sorry you having to go through this. Wishing there was something helpful to say. I hope the hospice can help with the pain and allow some happy times with your children xxx
Knitting, sending you huge love. And hoping for cheery staff and cherished moments aplenty xxx
Hello knitting, we talked on the Tamoxifen threads as fellow bowel cancer people, although I was probably GoodbyeRubyTuesday then.
I'm sorry to hear that your treatment hasn't worked. Life is so cruel sometimes.
I think your decision is selfless rather than selfish. You are so kind to make sure that your children have only happy memories in their home. They will know that you did this out of love. The hospice may have specialists who can help them cope with this as well, so it will hopefully be the best place for you all to be.
I hope that the hospice staff are able to manage your pain better, and keep you comfortable so you can make more memories with your loved ones.
All the best
I've been following you on your blog after reading here of your cancer coming back last year.
I am so very sorry to hear that things have gone downhill for you in the last couple of weeks. You always sound amazingly brave and like an amazing mother and I really hope the hospice takes great care of you and that you can have some happy moments with your family there. I am sure you have made the right decision and are in the right place.
I wish you all the very best for the time you have left. You are an inspiration. xx
Hi knitting, we chatted on the tamoxifen thread a while back. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Xx
I am so sorry, and I wish you peace, comfort, support and love. You are amazing.
As a 34 year old mum of three with a nasty cancer all I can say is I am so sorry you have had take a journey where this type of decision has to even be considered. It is so horribly unfair.
I agree with the others, its a very selfless decision and I hope this time brings you and your family some special times together. Will be thinking of you and I hope I have the courage to make the same decision should that time come.
I have no weds, I too remember you from the Tamoxi thread.
Sending you love and light.
Wishing you lots of life in your days. And if they offer complementary therapy take it, works wonders. All the best.
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