Anyone awake for a hand hold?

[Milicentbystander72]

My DM is in the final few weeks of her life. She has extensive advanced stomach cancer. It was only diagnosed as cancer just under 3 weeks ago. Up until then she had felt tired for a short spell, had a urine infection, discomfort in her side and low iron. She was sent to the hospital by her GP and stayed in from 21 July until she was discharged only on Saturday evening,

The situation with C19 we were unable to visit her in hospital and even her own GP is waiting for communication on the exact details of her diagnosis. She has been discharged with palliative care only. There is no hospice provision where are so me and my sister are trying to care for her.

Her decline has been brutally swift. She can no longer do anything at all. Tonight she took another turn for the worse and we had to get out of hours district nurses to come and give her a catheter.

I'm now sitting with her on my own. She keeps crying that we will make a mistake and think she's dead when she's not. She keeps waking up shouting that she's not dead. So far tonight she's not slept peacefully for any length of time. She's on oral morphine. Up until tonight she's been peaceful.

I feel so alone and frankly traumatised. She terrified and keeps letting me know it. I haven't slept or eaten for the last 24 hours. I nearly dropped her trying to help her in the toilet earlier (which is now she now has a catheter). I'm very on edge.

I'm not sure what I want from this thread but I guess just wanted a bit of company. I honestly feel this is so horrific.

[Anordinarymum]

You got it. A handhold and I'll raise you a hug

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Oh god OP im so sorry

I havent got anything constructive to add unfortunately but im sending you all my love and best wishes. Keep posting on here, there's always someone awake to be a friend in the darkness.

[Mumfymum]

Hello Milicent, I'm here for a handhold. Nothing I can say will make anything feel better, but I've been where you are, my mum had a shock cancer diagnosis only 6 weeks before she died. The shock and horror of it all is awful.

[Milicentbystander72]

Thank you so much. It's great to know someone is out there.

My Dsis is wonderful but she's exhausted too. I sent her to bed and I can't wake her, I would feel too guilty. We are both trying to get our heads around it. It changes every other hour or so. It's so unknown and frightening.
I could cope if DM wasn't so vocal and terrified. It's awful to say that.

[hotstepper4]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's the hardest thing, watching your dear loved one die.

My beautiful Nan died in March. God I loved her so much. We were the same. Life is so much emptier without her. She had 'scared' moments at the end, though there were also moments of delusion, confusion and moments where I wasn't even sure she could hear me. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

One thing that comforted her, and me too, was playing her some old music. Music from her childhood, from my childhood, music we used to dance around the room to together when I was a small girl. It helped. I also read her a Winnie the Pooh book, as she had read to me many times. I'm not sure she heard but she definitely seemed calmer while I was reading. I really recommend it.

I hope things progress as naturally and painlessly as possible, for her and for you 🕊

[weekfour]

Sending love.
It sounds truly awful.

[DramaAlpaca]

Another handhold from me, and a virtual

You're doing a good thing for your DM, the right thing, but it's hard. Later, as I know from DH and his siblings when my in-laws were at this stage, you'll be glad you were there, but it's a tough thing to go through.

Make sure you get a break though and look after yourself too

[Catonmyknee]

You are not alone. I’m in a different time zone so can sit with you through the night.

It is horrific and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Sending a hug and a hand hold.

[Milicentbystander72]

Thank you all. It's so lonely in the early hours.

[Mumfymum]

Yes the middle of the night is always the worst. You feel so alone, like you're the only one in the world this is happening to, like things like this happen to other people, not us. It's so hard to deal with.

[Throwitthen]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does your mum like listening to music or the radio? Just wondering if some low level Soothing music/noise to focus on might be calming. Or has she a favourite book you could quietly read to her? I hope she has a peaceful rest soon and you are able to cat nap x

[Newhouse76]

Millicent Im so sorry to hear your news but I’m here for you too.
Sending much love. Im glad you have your sister and hope that you can lean on one another x

[Colouringaddict]

I lost my mum 6 weeks after her diagnosis, she had been in a lot of pain and eventually they fitted her with a morphine driver and she just drifted away, in the early hours of the morning.
I’ll hold your hand for as long as you need. The middle of the night is the loneliest time of the day especially when you’re tired and frightened. Try and take care of you too xx

[Cissyandflora]

I’m here OP. Your situation sounds incredibly distressing and difficult. Nights are lonely too. I hope you can get some rest.

[aidelmaidel]

I've got to go to bed soon but I'm so sorry you're going through this. Can you get outside for some fresh air? The meteors are supposed to be good tonight, and being outside usually helps more than being on the internet, we've found in our house.

[CarrieMoonbeams]

You poor soul OP, that sounds so incredibly difficult.

I don't have any experience of this situation, but I'm a champion hugger so I'll send you one of those.

Much love to you, your dsis and mum xx

[Chienloup]

Here with a handhold.

[Milicentbystander72]

It means a lot just to have replies and all these virtual hand holds.

I have no idea how long this go on for honestly.

I lost my dad in 2017. He was fit, healthy and very active. Never a day sick in his life. He and DM used to take care of themselves and even did bowel cancer screen tests every year. They always came back clear. Then Feb 2015 he fell ill and once again we had a shock diagnosis of stage 4 bowel cancer. The difference was he received chemo and attempts at various surgeries. Nothing worked. He died aged 72 and mum cared for him to end at home.

DM although heartbroken made herself a different life without him, for a volunteer job, went to many social support clubs and had a good social life. I was proud of her.

Now this.

I feel angry, stunned, desperate and like I'll never feel genuinely happy again.

My whole family - 3 grandparents, one uncle, my dad and now my mum have all died from catastrophic cancer. I feel like it's a family curse and I've yet to experience anyone close to me surviving it. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and I must have cancer too somewhere. My mum has no symptoms 4 weeks ago and is now in this state. I'm so scared.

She just made some horrific noises. It makes my heart stop. I'm terrified of her being terrified again.

[VimFuego101]

So sorry you're going through this. I hope she is able to settle and be comfortable. As another poster says, do you think background noise like TV or music might help, or at least make it a little less lonely for you?

[Milicentbystander72]

I'm trying to watch Iplayer on an iPad quietly. It helps a bit.

[Lemming20]

Handhold and a hug x

[BarcelonaFreddie]

I don't have anything to offer other than I, this random on the internet, am thinking of you, of your mum and of your family - sending you strength and peace.

[Stuffofawesome]

I'm awake too. Sorry you are going through this and sending you strength. Sometimes touch can help. Rubbing in some cream on her hands or feet gently. If she has a favourite scent that also might be soothing for her. But even just what you are doing being present will help.

[MrsTweedy73]

So sorry you are going through such a difficult time - I've been there with DMIL and it's truly awful. We found that the oral morphine wasn't great, to be honest. Once the morphine driver was fitted DMIL was much more restful. We also found that the 'Yesterday' TV channel left on continuously (at a low volume) helped settle DMIL - I suppose the familiar adverts and theme tunes were comforting. Sending kind thoughts to you all x

[Allington]

Handheld and hug. I found out yesterday my father is being moved to end of life care - probably no more than a week or two.

Thank goodness he is in good residential care, so the day to day burden is lifted. That is a huge relief.

But... he is going.

So, a hand reaching out to you, from someone else facing up to the finality