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Dad diagnosed with metastatic cancer.

(14 Posts)
citcatgirl45 Sun 06-Oct-19 16:22:08

My 72 yr old dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Unfortunately a bone and MRI scan has shown it has spread to lymph nodes and bones. My brother went with my parents to the last appointment where a nurse told them the bad news however she couldn't give any further information, that will come from the consultant at another appointment. It all came as a huge shock as my dad showed no symptoms (although the more we speak to him we think he possibly did have symptoms but just didn't tell us!!).

Anyway my brother thinks I should go the next appointment as this is where we should learn a treatment plan and the next steps. However my dad says he would rather us not be there as the news could be too upsetting. They do live 30 miles away from me and I do work so it would mean taking time off. I know that later on in this horrible fight I will be needed to support my parents so don't know if I should go this appointment or not?? I know it isn't going to be good news but rather than having to to rely on them to tell me the next steps when they are in a state anyway. Is it best I go myself to hear with my own ears.

OP’s posts: |
cittigirl Sun 06-Oct-19 16:24:28

If your dad has said he would rather go alone, then that's his choice. Its good that you want to support him but it's not up to you .

Blackopal Sun 06-Oct-19 16:29:44

I'm sorry to hear your father diagnosis.
I do understand the shock, my father was diagnosed this year with metastatic cancer, it's a difficult stage to face.

If your dad has said he doesn't want anyone at the next appointment that's his decision.
One thing that has helped us understand stages is recording the appointment or taking a pad to write down notes.

Perhaps they could do this and if your dad goes permission they can be shared with you later?

PotteringAlong Sun 06-Oct-19 16:33:55

Your dad has said he doesn’t want you there. There’s not a decision to make. You cannot just bulldoze your way into the medical appointments of an adult who wants to be there by himself / just with his wife.

Perunatop Sun 06-Oct-19 16:38:42

Personally I would encourage your Dad to let you go with him, perhaps to help think of questions to ask and to make sure everything he is told is remembered.

citcatgirl45 Sun 06-Oct-19 16:46:14

In one respect if it is very bad news I think it would be easier for us to hear it from the medical team rather than my parents having to relay the info when they are upset anyway. I will need time off work for it and thinking about it would I be better not going as I may need time off further down the line. Such a hard one to know what to do for the best xx

OP’s posts: |
Myimaginarycathasfleas Sun 06-Oct-19 16:47:46

Is your Dad afraid of how he might react to the news in front of you? Or that you might get emotional and make it difficult for him to keep up a brave face?

I agree with Perunatop, Suggest you go just to make sure you get down all the information he needs. Maybe ask him beforehand if he'd like you to ask questions or just take notes. At the very least someone should be with him for the journey home.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Sun 06-Oct-19 17:32:10

Just saw that you have both parents. If your DM is going with him I don't think they need you there as well. Maybe ask your DM what she needs from you.

Chocdip Tue 08-Oct-19 19:19:26

My dad needed a few hours after his diagnosis to get his head around it all. Telling us was very hard on him but he felt he had to do it.

You don’t need all the info in one go. Just the big bits. The rest can come in time.

Best wishes to your dad and to you op.

Answerthequestion Wed 09-Oct-19 09:12:11

If your dad doesn’t want you there then you need to respect that and he can let you the details in his own time.

Prostate cancer in bones and lymphnodes is very common and usually very controllable. There are lots of treatments, many very manageable which can often control the disease for a long time, often many years. As your dad is 72 there’s a strong possibility that he could die with the disease rather than from it so in terms of cancer it might be very manageable

awarmglow Thu 10-Oct-19 17:58:28

If your dad is anything like mine, he'll be endeavouring to shield you and will not want to inconvenience you re work. My Dad is happy for us to come to all appointments but then my sister is a nurse and my mum has hearing difficulties so there are practical reasons. I would say drive the 30 miles that evening and eat and drink as a family. Good luck to you x

katycb Thu 10-Oct-19 18:03:19

You have received lots of good advice here but I just wanted to add to what answerthequestion said. My fil died earlier this year from metastatic prostate cancer. However, he had several years of successful treatment and was healthy for quite a long time after the initial treatment. (Went on holidays continued with hobbies etc) So although it might not be good news in the long term there is lots they can do in the short to medium term xxx

dramaqueen Thu 10-Oct-19 18:17:35

In the nicest possible way, you are making this all about you when you should be supporting him in his decisions. Please back off and let him do it his way.

And before you say I don’t know what I’m talking about, I went through cancer treatment last year. There will be dozens more appointments he may want you at, but not this one.

Minxmumma Fri 11-Oct-19 08:50:17

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

As hard as it may seem it is his call not yours. You could however ask if they would allow the consultant to discuss his case with you, that way you can have a phone call at a another time and ask the questions you want to ask.

From personal experience with my own cancer x 3, it was a lot easier to go on my own to appointments as I only had to deal with my emotions not those of my nearestand dearest. Once I had my head together, I could then sit and relay the necessary to dh etc without being so overwhelmed.

That said my dm who has stg 4 breast cancer asks me to go with her simply because I prior experience and know the right questions to ask and she tends to get muddled.

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