Elderly grandmother with lung cancer - end of life

[Allaboutthecake13]

My 90 year old grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and secondaries in three other organs earlier this year. She’s defied her prognosis of 3-4 weeks (10 weeks on) but is becoming increasingly frail and quality of life has diminished. She’s in a nursing home and is being kept comfortable but is now eating no more than a spoonful or two of yoghurt each day, drinking very little and passing little water, and sleeping a lot. She is able to have short conversations and is still all there mentally but she says everything just feels like an effort. She’s now on morphine patches and after very bad pain in her back and shoulder overnight is now being given additional morphine orally.

It sounds awful and selfish but I’m really struggling with the uncertainty of the situation. It just seems so cruel and worthless for this prolonged miserableness which will only lead to her death and I’m really struggling with trying to work out how to see her as much is as practically possible (work are v supportive but there’s only so many days I can take off) without really knowing what sort of timeframes are involved especially when she’s a 3 hour round trip away and I have a small toddler too.

I know everyone is different and that’s why there is no ‘how lomg’ answer but the thought of her suffering like this and existing in such a miserable way for long time is just awful but I obviously also don’t want her to die either and just feel so overwhelmed by everything.

[TemporaryPermanent]

Very quick post as I have to go out but I'm in a similar situation with my dad right now.

I will answer more later but bear I'm mind if you are weak and drowsy you often haven't the energy to be miserable IYSWIM? More uncomfortable from time to time and then drifting. More later and to you both.

[TemporaryPermanent]

Those were meant to be flowers...

[toomuchtooold]

I'm really sorry

It's hard to estimate but what I can tell you, my dad had lung cancer and when he was eating that little he was a couple of weeks away from dying.

If your grandmother is in pain, if the oramorph is not taking care of the pain, she could get morphine administered by syringe driver. It's much stronger, and it stops that thing where the pain breaks through between doses of oramorph. Her GP should be able to sort it out. My dad was on that for the last 10 days or so before he died and it took away all the pain - he mostly slept after that, and was very calm when he was awake.

If you want more information about how things progress as someone is dying, Marie Curie have a guide on their website, and they also have a support line/online chat - they were incredibly helpful when my dad was dying.

I hope that helps, and without wishing to sound morbid, I wish for your grandmother that she has as peaceful a death as my dad.

[TemporaryPermanent]

My dad could be anything from a few hours to a few weeks from death; it's impossible to know. A week or so is the most likely. He's a minimum of a 3 hour round trip away, more usually 5 hours.

It's awful isn't it? I dont think we should feel we must be there for any particular day. Your gran knows you love her, you've seen her and you know she is cared for. You can't drop everything for months. I have my son and my job, plus my life.

Her life is so much more than this short part of it, which she will spend most of asleep. My dad is not really alert or eating any more. He's almost at peace. It will happen on its own timescale. In the meantime we go on living.