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Db has terminal bowel cancer, doesn't want visitors

(10 Posts)
Stopyourhavering64 Thu 20-Sep-18 11:35:19

Just that really....he's my half brother ( mothers side...dm died 9yrs ago)
Was sadly onlygiven 6-9 months to live back in April( has mets in liver and lungs) and had been coping reasonably well at that point...going out and seeing friends- I even managed to visit him in May with my ds and dd. Have been in contact via messenger as he doesn't do phone calls as has tinnitus
However I live 7 hrs away so not easy to just pop round to visit, but was planning to visit Ds at Uni next weekend which is only 45 mins from where dB lives and had hope we could visit
Also, My eldest dd has been abroad for a year and is home on holiday for a fortnight so is also coming up to see her dB at uni and is now devastated that she won't see her uncle again
DB has a daughter who has been visiting her dad regularly until a fortnight ago when he found he was really struggling with socialising and didn't want to see anyone
I totally empathise with my brother but I'm just not sure what to do...he's not replied to my messages, it's like he's withdrawing and as he lives on his own , I'm worried he's not getting the support he could from Hospice at home / Macmillan
He's my big brother and I'm desperately sad I'm not going to see him again

OP’s posts: |
Snitzelvoncrumb Thu 20-Sep-18 11:41:16

I'm so sorry, this must be awful. Can you call his daughter and see how he is, and for her to find out if you could visit?
Sorry but could it be possible he is getting very close to the end and doesn't want visitors?

Stopyourhavering64 Thu 20-Sep-18 12:00:38

Yes I've been in touch with dn, she's also having problems visiting...he doesn't want her to see her either...he's a very solitary person and has lived in his own for over 15 yrs
When I saw him in May with family, we had a lovely day and when it came time to leave , I did feel then that it might be last time I saw him and we gave each other a big hug, but weren't able to speak...the big elephant in the room!
Ironically I work with cancer patients and support them and their families but I'm finding it so hard, especially as he lives so far away....if he lived nearby I'd have the support of my colleagues as well
Dn has been having counselling as I think she's really going to struggle as she's even nc with her dm for over 5 yrs and is very close to her dad
Both my parents died very suddenly and I never got chance to say my goodbyes and I think this somehow hardened me?...this is just torture

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WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo Fri 21-Sep-18 07:57:21

I know it would be intrusive, but I wonder if you should just go and visit anyway, on your own. He might refuse to see you. But he might be grateful to see you. Or he might be really unwell and need help.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 21-Sep-18 08:22:14

I wouldn't intrude unless someone who has seen and spoken to him since May where this a good idea...

When did DN last see him and has she stuck to his "no visitors" rule since?

He may well have decided that he wanted to leave it at May; when it was a lovely final meeting, especially if he's deteriorating. I'm not saying you should definitely just respect that; but I don't think you can ride rickshaw through his final requests either.

I am so sorry this is happening thanks

Womaningreen Fri 21-Sep-18 10:19:41

I'm with Anchor

my dad's best mate did the same thing, also had cancer, refused to see his children as soon as he hit a certain point. I think he passed a couple of months after refusing to see anyone. I think that's his right really.
flowers

spinabifidamom Sat 22-Sep-18 19:40:20

Respect his dignity and privacy. Bowel cancer diagnoses are never pleasant. My own diagnosis of cancer was hard enough. And I was not diagnosed with bladder or bowel cancer either. It was another type of cancer that affects the bones and joints of the legs. I was told that I had it at 16 years of age.

It was a complete shock to my entire family.

NorthernLurker Sat 22-Sep-18 19:46:25

I know this is hard for you to accept but his wishes must come first. If he has always been a solitary person then it's likely that he doesn't feel a need for company and seeing other people's reactions to his illness is possibly really burdensome to him. If he needed you, you would be there. Tell him that in a message and hold him in your thoughts even though you haven't seen him. Support isn't just about presence.
It is very sad that you ma6 not see him again but I think you have to make that sacrifice if it's what he wants. Doesn't mean you can't say what you what to say though.

Bluewidow Sat 22-Sep-18 19:49:33

I'd just go and see him by yourself.
If he wants to see you great if he doesn't then don't be offended as such and just leave. It might be that his cancer has got to a stage that he's just not really aware of the impact of not having visitors etc. my husband was a doting father but in the last few weeks didn't really ask about the children
But when they came to see him heives every minute.

frostyfingers Mon 01-Oct-18 13:40:42

Maybe write him a letter saying all the things that you might say if you visited him - obviously there’s no way of knowing if he’s read it but at least you will have tried. Very hard, but I agree that you should respect his wishes regarding visits.

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