Name changed because I'm so ashamed. DH has terminal lung cancer, he has had surgery to remove a lung but it had spread already so he's had chemo and is now waiting for a PET scan. He's not surprisingly depressed. He hasn't been to bed in months, since his operation at the end of last year. He sits up in an armchair all night and dozes off and on, has regular panic attacks and is in constant pain. He's on a cocktail of drugs including beta blockers, morphine and sedatives. He's on the waiting list to see a psychologist through the hospital's oncology referral service.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety all my adult life and until about 3 years ago was non compliant with medication. I now regularly take antidepressants and have been managing my mental health much better until now, I had CBT a couple of years ago and was able to identify negative and intrusive thoughts and use strategies to overcome them. Until DH got ill, I was over the worst and had never been happier. I'm currently seeing a counsellor through my employer's wellbeing service but I feel I can't be open about all of this in case she judges me. I scratch myself raw when I'm feeling anxious and claw my head until huge bits of skin come off and it bleeds, then when it scabs I pick them.off and start again.
DS is 18 and struggling with his dad's illness. He is withdrawing into himself but has recently found a girlfriend whose own mum is unwell, so they support each other a bit. He won't talk to me or DH because he doesn't want to burden us, but doesn't want to be referred to speak to a counsellor either. He is quite sensitive, but has a bit of a tough image (not violent but more Bear Grylls capable) and is popular at school, so doesn't want to do anything to change that.
All three of us are suffering separately. We don't really speak about our own feelings to each other because we know we are all finding it difficult, but instead of pulling together we end up bottling everything up then occasionally letting it all go in a cathartic argument. It's awful and I hate it.
What makes me feel so ashamed is that I am so nasty when I lose my temper. I've said some really vile and unforgivable things today, like DH should fuck off to his ex wife who has also had cancer, and they can have a pity party together. I have slagged him off for not working (he's on long term sick and not paid at the moment apart from PIP) and not contributing financially. I've told him he can't use his illness as an excuse to be a cunt. He has been nasty too, saying he would divorce me and get a great settlement because my wages are really high compared to his.
The thing is we love each other so much, we are usually so kind to each other and neither of us mean what we say in temper, but I go so much further than he does and can't find the off switch. I end up crying out of anger and remorse the second it has left my mouth, and it doesn't happen very often, but just once is too often and we have been together for 20 years and never laid into each other verbally like this. I don't know what to do. I want to be nice, I want to be patient, but I can't do it sometimes.
This is so long and I'm sorry, I know I am an awful bitch, but if anyone has any advice on how to be patient and cope with living with someone who is dying without feeling resentful please please help.
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Life-limiting illness
Depression and cancer
MavisCrouton · 31/05/2018 21:24
You're not an awful bitch. Cancer is horrendous for all involved.
Sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom. I'm the one with cancer in my family so I'm on the other side.
Do you think it would help to try and have a family conversation about your feelings? It's so sad to think of you all struggling on your own.
Please be honest with your counsellor though. That's what they're there for. Otherwise they can't help! 
Start by being honest with you counsellor. That will help, and then seek support from your local hospice.
I am so sorry for all of you
Thank you so much for your kind words. I would go to family counselling and so would DH - he keeps moaning about how long it's taking for his psychologist referral and recognises he needs help - but I don't know if DS would be open and talk if we all went. He would go if we asked him to but might not speak.
I haven't had the courage to talk to my counsellor about it because (and this sounds pathetic and self absorbed I know) I worry she will look at me differently and it's harder to say in person, I'm crying a river writing this in anonymity. I will try when I see her next week, I only have 2 sessions left.
everyone, this is so shit isn't it. Cancer is a bastard.
Mavis not at all. I don't know about you but at school I was a bit of a teacher's pet. Not deliberately but I always followed rules and did my work so they liked me. I find myself doing the same sort of thing with my medical team. And when I had my counsellor I felt like I had to please her.
To be fair she was really rubbish at counselling someone with cancer. She kept going on about how brave I was and bullshit like that 
so then I felt pressure to be a certain way.
I'm looking for a new counsellor but my intention is to tell her upfront about my people-pleasingness in the hope that that will help me force myself to be more honest, and she will know that I might need a nudge to open up properly.
I hope that you manage to confide in your counsellor about this so that she can help you.
Are there any support groups locally for carers of people with cancer? It might help to meet others in a similar situation.
Just wanted to send . You don't sound to me like a bitch at all - you sound like someone lovely and thoughtful, who's at the end of her tether, and frightened and grieving. Cancer is an utter bastard, and it's cancer voicing those things that you wish weren't being said. You and your husband obviously love each other so much - it's the love that matters and the love that lasts. xxxxx
(I would think about talking to your nan - she sounds awesome. maybe she actively chose to be alone, but that doesn't mean that you would have to make the same choice. Talking to someone who really loves you AND who understands completely what you're facing might be really helpful.) xx
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