How much of holidays to spend with grandmother with cancer

[PuddingBawl]

Please be gentle. Can someone talk me through this.

My mum is having chemo for cancer now. She wants kids and me to spend all of half term with her, because it falls at a decent point between cycles. I'm pitching the teens spending one day there, and me and the toddler staying on for a second day.

Reasons why I'm inclined to the shorter stay:

• eldest teen is ASD and really needs proper unstructured time at home in the hols. She will do her best for her Nana, but I'm inclined to think that everyone will get more out of one focussed 'best behaviour day'.
  

• second child is very close to his Nana. Basically every time we've seen her last few months, he's had a mini-breakdown afterwards. My mum has a tendency to engage him in long conversations about death. I'm worried about how he'd manage if it was a long stretch of feeling like he has to be super-supportive. On past form, he'd be good for his Nana, and very erratic in everything else and in the days following.
  

• staying overnight is quite a big faff. Kids all tend to go bananas with the messed up routine, lots of sweets etc. Toilets and bathrooms don't have locks, which winds up the teens. Room sharing, unusually early lights out etc.
  

• the teens are keeping in touch with her daily on social media (photos,chats, FaceTime). They are much more talkative online than IRL. If we stayed longer, there'd be a lot of DVDs.... or I could step up and take them on local outings .... but it's not obvious it would be more contact time (though it would be much less 'free time in own space' for the teens)
  

• my dad tends to treat me like a housemaid when I'm there - and it will be a massive exertion for me on top of keeping the kids OK. One or two days - we can hack without getting on each other's nerves and falling out. Longer - and tempers may fray...
  

• she has a tendency to 'overreach' - ask for the kids to come and not admit she's getting tired - stuff to descend a bit into people just bouncing off each other. Again, I could take charge of this by taking them out properly every day .... She's said she doesn't want to leave the house at all - but wants kids to enjoy local area.
  

• my dad doesn't want the kids to come because he says they're germ factories. We are coming out of a run of family illnesses (haven't had all kids in school on any day in last fortnight)
  

• DH can take a day off work and do the driving for this arrangement. Longer and I'm doing it solo.
  

It's an emotionally very high stakes game....

[PuddingBawl]

Bump.

I'm proper panicking about getting this right...

[BonApp]

You have a right to reduce the trip. Do what’s right for you and your children. Sounds like you’ve got a very astute view on your family dynamics and have got your own boundaries, now you just need to gently assert them.

It’s really bloody hard to juggle everything emotionally and sounds like you are doing your best to find a middle ground that will suit everyone.

You need to keep sane in this too.

[PuddingBawl]

I made a decision based on the family dynamics - but my mum is not happy with it - and I'm really feeling the pressure of the background threat of her health possibly taking a major downturn at some point soon - and it being on my shoulders that I limited contact.

[BonApp]

You’ve done what’s best for you and the children. That’s enough. Honestly.

Sounds like you’ve got the balance of quality over quantity just right.

Hope your visit goes well

[PuddingBawl]

Thank you

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

All your reasoning makes sense. Having cancer doesn't mean her needs override everyone else's, especially to the point of causing them distress!

How old is the child who she is talking to about death?! That's really quite inappropriate of her to be burdening him with that. She needs to find another, more appropriate outlet.

I know I probably sound harsh and unsympathetic. I'm not. I have cancer myself. I hope that her treatment is going well

It sounds like your children are actually already being very supportive of their nana. Daily contact is a big commitment. I'm sure you're already proud of them :) it sounds like maybe your mum doesn't appreciate quite how much they are already doing. Or the strain she is placing on them.

A longer stay sounds like it will be an absolute disaster to be honest. Even just a couple of those reasons would be enough not to do it. Stay strong and have a positive time with your parents rather than giving in and then everyone ending up tense and unhappy

[PuddingBawl]

She's really not talking 'no' for an answer . It's really stressful.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

It sounds like you have made the right decision (sometimes people need ‘saving’ from themselves!) Could you maybe head back for a short visit on your own or just with the little ones at the weekend? Or at least make plans with her for the next visit too so she has something to look forward to?

[PuddingBawl]

No - she's digging in about this holiday and all the kids

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

In the nicest possible way, she cannot force you. I know it is really difficult to say no, especially when someone is playing the cancer card. But you have genuine reasons to limit the visit for everyone's wellbeing, including hers! It sounds like she has an unrealistic fantasy of how it will all turn out, but ultimately if everyone is stressed and fighting then it will ruin the visit for her too. And it's simply not fair on your children who are trying very hard to support her and will be distressed.

I'm sorry she is putting you under so much pressure

[PuddingBawl]

But she kind of can if our one day visit wraps up with big tearful "why can't you staaaayyyy". The kids would cave in 2 minutes - and I can't exactly drag them away.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Has she always been like this or is it only since her cancer diagnosis?

It's really unfair of her to emotionally blackmail your children. I'm not sure what you can do about it though if you don't feel you can just ignore and leave anyway.

If your dad is worried about germs can you get him on board with limiting the visit length for that reason? Maybe he can have a word with her.

[PuddingBawl]

Always tbh. It's just much harder to be tough on atm - and she's more tenacious.

We're 3 weeks into this convo - and I think the bottom line is that if she feels so strongly about it, I have no choice but to comply

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Hm that sounds a bit like giving in to a toddler tantrum to me, setting a precedent that if she makes enough fuss you will cave in. Can you maybe respond and shut down further discussion with a brisk ‘we’ve talked about this mum, we love you to bits but we need to keep the visits short and lovely for everyone’s benefit. We’ll see you again next Saturday. Come along kids, in the car’

[Gizlotsmum]

Could you stay near by? A hotel or air bnb? Spend daytimes with her but have your evening routines? Sorry if that is a daft suggestion but could be a compromise

[ZenNudist]

Book something big the next day so you have to leave. Dont be browbeaten. If her health is set to take a turn for the worse you will need to be in good form for supporting her through it so overdoing it now is bad idea.

[User5trillion]

My relative is having chemo and won't see my children at all as the risk of spreading an infection is too great. If you and your children have been ill, limiting time with your mother is essential for her health, her immunity will be so low, she might be susceptible to bugs. I can understand her wanting to spend time with you and her GC but not at your expense.

[User5trillion]

Sorry just re read that. At expense sounds too harsh, but if it will be that challenging for your family you must try to find the compromise. If / when she becomes really ill, you need to still be on good terms with her and not have regrets

[junebirthdaygirl]

I would leave all kids going to end of week to make sure they are fully recovered from all bugs. I would use that card only as its very unwise having her exposed to possible infection. So go yourself begining of week and take all kids end of week where she can't beg to stay as they have to go back to school. Maybe stay 2 days.

[BonApp]

we’ve talked about this mum, we love you to bits but we need to keep the visits short and lovely for everyone’s benefit. We’ll see you again next Saturday. Come along kids, in the car

This ^^ I have a similar mother so I know how hard it can be, but this is sound advice.

I would also book something unchangeable for the next day so you have to go and that the kids are excited to do it.

[BonApp]

How did your trip go @PuddingBawl