How to tell my 7 year old

[Nuffaluff]

My lovely MIL, the cherished Nanna of my two sons, 7 and 3, has an inoperable brain tumour which we found out about just before Christmas.
Things have looked very bad at points and she has been in hospital for three weeks. She has now had a course of radiotherapy (probably her only one, it’s palliative care only).
My DH has been visiting a lot and helping his dad out as he’s struggling too. He has family to help, which is good.
She is likely to be coming home soon, but will be in a hospital bed downstairs. She will want to see the grandchildren as she dotes on them.
I’m not worried about my 3 year old as he won’t understand anyway, it’s my sensitive, 7 year old that I’m worried about.
He’s been asking what’s wrong with her and so far we’ve just stuck to ‘she’s very poorly at the moment, but we’re not sure yet’. Not really a lie, as even her doctor doesn’t have much of a clue about her prognosis as they can’t even do a biopsy.
What do we tell him before we go and visit? After we’ve seen her? Do we tell him she’s got cancer? That she’s not going to get better?
He’s read Gangsta Granny, so is aware of what cancer is and the seriousness of it. He’s even asked us if that’s what nanna’s got. We said we’re not sure.
Sorry for the long explanation.
I’d really like to hear some wise words of advice.

[yawning801]

I think you just have to explain it in a simple but mature way, e.g "Nanna won't get better, but she still wants to see you and she still loves you, just like the granny in Gangsta Granny."

And if you're worried about him being upset at seeing her on a hospital bed, remind him that she's still the same Nanna, just on a bed.

Hand hold for you OP, I know that this must be a horribly difficult time for you. Make sure you do tell him, though. My parents never told me that my grandmother had terminal cancer - I was five - and when she died it was a terrible shock for me.

[nancy75]

Be honest, children see & understand more than we give them credit for. I think talking to him before he sees her would be best, if she looks unwell he will notice and it may frighten/upset him more if it’s a surprise

[Solasum]

I am so sorry to hear about you MIL OP, and wish you all strength in the months ahead.

I guess it depends on the child and whether nearer to 2 or 4, but my 3 year old definitely understood when his great grandfather was dying, and went through bursts of asking questions about it (then the next sentence being about toys) so do be prepared just in case.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

This happened with my mil, though it was lung cancer symptom free until it spread to secondary tumours in her brain. Other circumstances incredibly similar to the ones that you describe.

Our children were 11, 9 and 6 at the time. We told them the truth right from the start - she has cancer. Often cancer can be cured, but also it often can't, and hers can't. The doctors think she will live for about a year, but we can't be sure - it could be more but it could be less. No, she won't get better. It's sad, as it's totally normal to cry, to be angry, to think it's not fair, all your feelings are normal. It's important we visit her but if you're upset it's ok to say that you don't want to and just the ones who feel ok go.

They were all sad but they all did brilliantly. Only the eldest coped with the cancer ward at hospital well - she was an absolute hero - the younger two were very cowed by the hospital. However when she came home the 6 year old climbed into her hospital bed and kissed her bald head, and the 9, nearly ten year old pushed her wheelchair into the garden and supported her when she walked a few steps (she lost a lot of weight and he's big for his age, he was probably heavier than her by the end).

She was only in her early 60s and had been very active and healthy til a matter of weeks before diagnosis, the kids were used to foraging in the forest for mushrooms for full days with her, and her being capable and competent and able to look after them. They adjusted astonishingly fast to looking after her, and took her losing her memory, her hearing, her hair, her blader control and her ability to walk in their stride even though it happened over only a few months.

I am very glad we told them the truth and kept visiting. She tried to live to see our youngest start school, it was her goal (abroad, he started at 6.5) but didn't make it. The children were very sad when she died but not shocked, they knew she was dying. If we hadn't told them the truth her death would have been far harder on them, and their visits harder for her and fil - as it was they were ironically what made it easier.

Tell your 7 year old the truth. Mine are sensitive and over empathetic too - that kind of child deserves and needs to be told the truth sensitively and suffers more from white lies than a less thoughtful, more thick skinned child.

[Nuffaluff]

Thank you very much for your replies. I’m very touched that you have taken the time.
Another problem is that my MIL isn’t fully aware or is perhaps in denial about how ill she is. Possibly the nature of a brain tumour, I don’t know. As is my FIL. For example they keep talking about booking a holiday abroad which is so unrealistic.
Also, they are quite old fashioned in the sense that they wouldn’t tell a young child bad news like this, very much the ‘your dog’s gone to live on a farm ‘sort of people!
So i can see my MIL talking about getting better when we’re round there.
Perhaps I could just tell him she’s very ill and prepare him for how she’s going to be, but not tell him everything until later?
Does anyone have experience of a similar situation?

[Nuffaluff]

Thank you evelyn.
That’s very sad about your MIL. 60 is so young. My MIL is much older, but it’s still very upsetting.
It sounds like your kids were amazing.

[Oly5]

I told my very young son (he was 3) that his nana had cancer. I explained about death an that it’s nothing to be scared of, that we wouldn’t see her anymore but we could always look up at the stars and tell her what we were thinking.
He took it all in and was not scared.
I think you should be honest. If you’re not, he will fill in the gaps with his imagination, which is more scary for him

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

I'm an atheist too and was also honest about the fact that I believe that people go on existing in the memories of the people who love them, so it's important to remember, but not in any other way after death. It's far easier to go for a heaven comfort blanket but a massive betrayal if you don't believe it, and a thoughtful child will catch you out. Obviously if you are genuinely religious that is totally different, but I think sensitive, thoughtful children need the safety of knowing that their parents don't lie to them.