Don't think Dad's Coming Home

[PinkBuffalo]

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I can't stop crying and have no one. Dad is unresponsive in hospital. I live with him and my severely disabled mum.

I don't think he's going to make it. We've been told to prepare for that. All my family have other family (marriage, kids etc) but I only have my dad. It's only ever been me and him and I can't deal with this.

On top of this, I still have to provide my mums care. She is obviously distressed but nothing I can do.

I just needed to write it down before I lose it completely

[Justasec]

Handhold here. I'm sure there will be others along soon too. Would it help to tell us something about him?

[PinkBuffalo]

Thank you. I don't want to out myself though. He's only in his 60s. I'm 30. I just can't deal with this. He's my life. Obviously rest of family are upset, but I don't think they understand our relationship.

[PinkBuffalo]

I really need to go to bed. Spent all last night at the hopital. I just feel like I can't breathe

[TashieWoo]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, another hand hold here. Your strength is admirable but you also need to get some rest, even if only for a few hours. You need to look after yourself too

[PinkBuffalo]

He was in hospital but went downhill very quickly on Monday. They don't know what's wrong. He's been unwell with various things for long time, but they can't pinpoint what's causing this. They think he's just given up the fight. He's not sleeping, I think he can hear us for sure. I can tell when he's asleep if that makes sense. More scans tomorrow but they're not being hopeful with us.

[PinkBuffalo]

I didn't think he would leave me like this. We are a team. If by some miracle he pulls through, I'm never going to let him go. Being unresponsive, had nothing to eat or drink for 4 days so far, which isn't good.

[PinkBuffalo]

I don't even know if someone can recover from being in his situation. They've already said he's too frail for them to try cpr if it comes to it. All his obs are stable, so hoping that isn't on the cards.

[PinkBuffalo]

But I should probably go to bed now I've stopped crying so bad. Thanks you two for coming to save me. I'll check back in when I've visited him tomorrow evening. He's been moved to HDU today, so I know he's being monitored more closely.

[iggleypiggly]

Big hugs and a hand hold from me

[sandgrown]

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I hope they find out what is wrong with your dad and he pulls through

[PinkBuffalo]

Thanks all. Planning to go up this evening. Up earlier today than I wanted because I have caring assessment for mum so I can go back to work at some point.
Did manage to sleep. Think I'm just exhausted to be honest.
Will check in later tonight

[Justasec]

How did today go? Try and get through the days as best you can. You've got a huge amount on your plate, so be kind. Try and make sure you are getting enough to eat and drink (vitamin supplement if you're eating hospital junk), and sleep when you can. You'll be no use to anyone if you keel over. Is there anyone at all you can lean on a bit? Any relatives to share the load carrying for your mum or just to drop round some meals for you?
I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to be in pain any more than you would him. Try and hold that in your head when you feel like you can't bear it, allow yourself space to breathe and relax. Sending you virtual hugs and hoping it's been better news today.

[MrsMozart]

Thinking of you and sending a handhold.

[PinkBuffalo]

Thanks all. I didn't go today. Although dad 'woke up' he doesn't know who anyone is. My brothers were asked to leave as he was unhappy didn't know who they were. Says he wants to die. I'm hoping just having a nice nurse with him will make it a bit easier on him. I was told not to go and to be honest I don't want to make him any more distressed so best if I stay here. Also I don't need to put myself through that. I haven't been eating hospital junk. Ours has a very good canteen which I would be lost without! Hospital have been very good, but have said all they can do is make him comfortable. I have lots of siblings and we are all there for each other thank goodness. And obviously all there for my poor mum as well. I have carers starting soon as I need to get mum into a routine with 'new people' before I think about going back to work.
I'm very fussy eater so much better making my own meals lol

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

horrible situation for you Pink sending a hug and

[PinkBuffalo]

So as far as I am aware, no change. The only difference is they have lightly sedated him so he's more comfortable. I believe he has talked to his nurse.
I have carers starting Monday for mum, made the phone calls to people dads closest to. Have managed to go without crying for a few hours.
I have a huge issue with nausea that started Thursday afternoon. Then was very sick Thursday night. It was bright yellow stuff (sorry for tmi) but I looked it up & it said that could be vomiting on am empty stomach? I've managed to eat a small amount since, but whenever I'm upright it's really bad sickness feeling. Lying on sofa or down I'm ok. Does anyone think I may have pulled a muscle inside from all the stress/crying? I don't thrive under pressure & have dyspraxia. I don't think it's a bug though.
I think hospital are still not giving us good news, but just taking each day at a time. Did the shopping yesterday.

[PinkBuffalo]

So the worst news which we expected. Dads gone into multiple organ failure due to liver issues. They've withdrawn all medication & moved him onto palliative route. Can't believe im not going to see him again.
At the moment he can't really have visitors as he gets easily confused and distressed. Talk of moving him to hospice if still here next week. I'm so sad.

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

Pink so sorry. This is really difficult. Hope you have someone with you during this horrible time.

[Allice]

I'm so so sorry, have you not been able to visit since he woke up?

[MrsMozart]

I'm so sorry.

[ButteredScone]

Aw, Pink

Are you able to go for a walk today? Get some air?

[RhubarbYoghurt]

How are you OP. been thinking of you all day.

[BonApp]

@pinkbuffalo I'm so so sorry to see this. You posted on my thread when we were going through the process of getting my dad diagnosed back in the summer. I hope these days are as kind to you all as possible.

[PinkBuffalo]

I can't believe how kind strangers on the Internet can be on mumsnet. Posting here really helped me. And I had a lovely PM from someone too. I haven't got round to replying yet.
I haven't been able to visit dad. He is so unwell I'm not sure how it works. My sister going up tomorrow, and if all goes ok I'll try get up this week if he's still here.
I went out with my young niece today for some very cold fresh air. My mums carers have started - 9-2 so I can go back to work next week.
I'm on heavy duty anti sickness tablets which have made a world of difference.
I am not crying all the time now. It comes in waves when I think of him, so I suppose that's a start. I think I have come to "accept" it, although my prayers every night are that he'll miraculously recover like he has done before. It's not on the cards this time, but I can still pray.
I just don't want to visit & cry over him whilst he's asleep. Apparently he's sleeping all the time now. I don't think he's in any pain so that's good.
It's just hard when he's the only person who meant the world to you. I don't have a partner/kids. I have friends but I'm not in their pockets. I much prefer my own and my dads company which is why I'm finding this so hard. He's the only person I could be myself with if that makes sense.
Thank you all so much. I'm not coming here everyday as I can't think of it all the time, but it means a lot to me.

[yawning801]

OP you are incredibly strong. I'm so sorry