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Upset and need to vent

(17 Posts)
Elenasparkles Sun 15-Oct-17 18:58:14

Basically that...im upset today, angry, irrational etc and just feel like I'm going crazy. I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in 2015 and for the most part am able to get on with life etc and try not to get too upset about everything and live in the moment. But sometimes (like today) it just overwhelms me and I feel so angry, scared, tearful etc . It comes from nowhere and makes me feel mad. Have had a lovely family day with DP and DS and extended family, everyone went home and I started tidying up and noticed one of my bowls has been chipped when DP was washing up (obviously I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things) but I went bloody mental, I effed and blinded, said horrible things about him, screamed in his face that he never thinks about anyone but himself (couldn't be further from the truth) and told him I don't want to marry him anymore as can't live like this!!

I feel like the biggest bitch in the world right now and am upstairs hiding in our room bawling my eyes and really don't know what to do. What is wrong with me. I love him so much; he's my rock, supported me through everything and picked me up when I've been down. But I'm so bloody angry, at everything and everyone. I can hear him playing with our DS downstairs and it breaks my heart, I'm only 30 and my DS v young, I hate that I'm one day I might not be here for him and I'm terrified of the cancer coming back. Every time we have a nice day together as a family I feel so upset afterwards as it just feels like I'm watching everyone else through glass and seeing how they're all going to be fine and be able to carry on without me when I die.

I just can't stop crying, I don't want to feel like this and it's so hard because everyone IRL always comments on how strong and positive I am about everything so I hate letting them down by showing weakness and crying. It's like they all think as I'm not having active treatment (apart from hormone therapy and injections) or bawling my eyes out everyday that I should be back to normal. But I'm not, it hurts so much and the fear never leaves..its so physically painful to be scared 24/7. I can't go to my Drs as they just give me more and more anti depressants which don't work. Drugs don't stop you being shit scared of dying and leaving your young son. The only counselling I was offered was group CBT which again I don't see the point as don't want to sit with a load of strangers and discuss how f*up I am.

Sorry for the long post and rant and don't really know what I'm asking or why I'm even posting here but hate feeling this way. How do I stop being such a bitch, how do I stop being so angry. How do I go and apologise and look my DP in the eye after the awful things I've said all to him because of a bloody chipped bowl

Fairylea Sun 15-Oct-17 19:25:06

I am just so sorry op. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I think you are perfectly entitled to scream, rant, cry and get it all out. It’s not healthy to keep this sort of stuff held in all the time. I don’t think anyone is expecting you to be “perfect” and strong when faced with this sort of thing.

I wish I had better words but I just wanted you to know I am here listening to you.

suckitupbuttercups Sun 15-Oct-17 19:58:17

Op don’t be so hard on yourself your dp will understand if you talk to him. Macmillan offer so much more support than people know and specialises in helping you understand your own emotions please make contact with them.

RaininSummer Sun 15-Oct-17 20:07:50

Aw you poor girl. Its not about the chipped bowl as you know. Give yourself a big hug any in a bit, go downstairs and give your partner a big hug. X

Stopyourhavering Sun 15-Oct-17 21:22:41

Was it mindfulness you were offered (CBT?) please reconsider this....it has been proven to really work and may help,you cope with day to day crap.....sorry you're feeling so low...the treatment you're in can impact on your mental health as well, make an appointment to speak to GP tomorrow or your hospital specialist or breast care nurse....there is support out there, please don't suffer in silence

hannah1992 Mon 16-Oct-17 15:39:21

When did you finish your treatment op? My friends mum had breast cancer about 10 years ago although I don't know what type. It was about a year for all her treatment and surgeries but she spent a good while after panicking that it would come back and that every ache or pain was cancer.
It must be incredibly hard for you.
I know she had councelling which she self referred to (perhaps something you could look into). And after she said, why spend the time I have now being scared about dying when I'm not actually living? Which is basically saying that you need to focus on all the good things you have right now. All the memories you can cherish for the rest of your life. Live your life as full as possible.
Friends mum has been cancer free for 10 years so imagine all the things she would have missed out on if she had spent those 10 years worrying constantly.
See if you can self refer if you don't want to do a group session and would rather one to one.

StewPots Mon 16-Oct-17 15:50:43

Oh OP, bless you. Your post really got to me. I don't really have the words but you've been through so many major things I'm not surprised that the little things send you over the edge.

It must be so upsetting seeing people having a great time on a day out and knowing that the good feeling stays with them whilst you live with such fear.

All the things you are feeling are normal I'm sure, and your DP will understand. He will know that you don't mean to hurt him. It's such a traumatic thing for you all, and as you say feeling terrified that it will come back is bound to make you feel such emotions.

Have you contacted any cancer support services who may be more constructive than just regular GP s referral services? Apologies if you have already done this. But they may be able to point you in the right direction for person centred support rather than group therapy (I've had CBT and totally agree with you on that score - was bloody awful and did nothing).

I'm sorry that you have been through all this. Cancer is an utter bastard that screws everything up, and the pressure to hide how you feel and be strong must be unreal. MN are always here if you need to rant and rave and hate everything for a moment, you know we love a bit of ranting on here grin

In the meantime OP, I wish you the absolute best and flowersfor you.

Elenasparkles Mon 16-Oct-17 21:07:15

Thank you so much for your responses, i really appreciate that you've taken the time to respond to me as tbh I feel a bit of a prat today after venting stuff I've never dared to say IRL for fear of upsetting my nearest and dearest. I made the decision today to speak to my breastcare nurse, as I can't go on like this and she has said she will look into seeing if I could have access to a clinical psychologist to help me work through everything a bit more...not sure if I feel better for that or worse tbh but at least it's a step forward to sorting my head out, and hopefully being able to chat a bit more openly to someone.

My partner has, as usual, been amazing and just gave me a massive hug when I eventually went downstairs last night, then poured me a massive glass of wine (he really is a star) I had a good chat with him and apologised but feel like I can't really explain why I feel like this to him as I know he'll just worry even more about me and i cant do that to him, I love him so much but I just can't stand to hurt him by telling him how scared/worried I really am..its just not fair on him.

Elenasparkles Mon 16-Oct-17 21:07:16

Thank you so much for your responses, i really appreciate that you've taken the time to respond to me as tbh I feel a bit of a prat today after venting stuff I've never dared to say IRL for fear of upsetting my nearest and dearest. I made the decision today to speak to my breastcare nurse, as I can't go on like this and she has said she will look into seeing if I could have access to a clinical psychologist to help me work through everything a bit more...not sure if I feel better for that or worse tbh but at least it's a step forward to sorting my head out, and hopefully being able to chat a bit more openly to someone.

My partner has, as usual, been amazing and just gave me a massive hug when I eventually went downstairs last night, then poured me a massive glass of wine (he really is a star) I had a good chat with him and apologised but feel like I can't really explain why I feel like this to him as I know he'll just worry even more about me and i cant do that to him, I love him so much but I just can't stand to hurt him by telling him how scared/worried I really am..its just not fair on him.

TractorTedTed Mon 16-Oct-17 21:14:06

You know what, just tell him. He sounds lovely and I think it's best to be honest. It must be horrendous for you living with such fear, on top of all you've been through. I guess that will never leave you, but hopefully with some support you might feel a little better. I don't mean constantly worry your dp by talking about it, but one real heart to heart might really help you - and maybe him too.

I hope your nurse is helpful flowers

CamperVamp Mon 16-Oct-17 21:22:40

Oh, OP, how brace you have been, venting so honestly and painfully to yourself.

Well done for talking to your breast care nurse.

You know what? Talk to your DP. Read your OP to him, or write it in a letter. He will be so relieved that you can share your innermost with him.

I would hate to think of my partner having 'thoughts ' alone.

MrsMozart Mon 16-Oct-17 21:26:38

Have a hug lass.

Think again about talking to your DP. He'll probably understand and may well have some of those fears in his mind.

I think your reaction was completely understandable. It wasn't the chip, that was just the catalyst to all that's hurting you.

clumsyduck Mon 16-Oct-17 21:32:16

Op your hard as nails lass , seriously !! Don't beat yourself up over this . I can't even imagine what it's like to go through something like that ! But what iv learnt from experience ( other issues not illness ) is talk talk talk!! Don't bottle things up and struggle on keeping the worries in your own head .
Best of luck to you flowers

StewPots Mon 16-Oct-17 21:37:45

Aww OP...glad you talked to the nurse, specialist support maybe just the thing you need to come to terms with it all.

As PPs have said, your DP will be there for you and listen to your fears. Yes it will be difficult, but I'm sure he would not want You trying to do deal with these thoughts and powerful emotions all alone.

And as I said earlier, MN is full of lovely people who have tons of advice and are happy to listen to any worries or rants you may need to get off your chest if you really feel you can't speak to anyone IRL.

Elenasparkles Mon 16-Oct-17 21:51:16

I feel so overwhelmed by everyones kindness..thank you. I will think about talking to DP I think deep down he does knows all of these things as he's lived every crappy second of it with me, and is normally very intuitive of my moods which is why I try to shield him as much as possible as I know how hard he finds it to see me in pain emotionally/physically etc. We've just got to a point where life is relatively "normal" again and to drag everything to the forefront just feels to difficult atm, but I can't carry on exploding over nothing and feeling the way I do about things. I don't want to push him away as he's the love of my life (even if he does have moments that drive me barmy) it's just hard...really really hard. I will give thought to perhaps showing him this post when I feel a bit stronger..might help him to understand where I'm coming from

StewPots Mon 16-Oct-17 22:02:50

OP I find it easier to write down my thoughts rather than getting tongue tied trying to say them, so yes perhaps showing him this thread (or at least your posts) is a good idea to get lines of communication open.

Onceuponatime21 Sun 29-Oct-17 16:14:35

Back when I was on the tamoxigang threads, someone with experience said it takes at least 2 years to get over the paranoia that every single ache or pain in your body is a sign that it's back or has spread.
And to be kind to yourself and be okay with the paranoia for the first couple of years, but that if you were still sending yourself crazy after that, that you would probably need to seek help.

So, you sound like you're having worse than most, so I'm really glad you are seeking help. I just wanted to say that please don't think you're the only one that feels that way. Not everyone does, but many do.

It's over two years for me now, and my first thought is still a bad one if I get a pain, but I do move on that pretty quickly now.

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