Basically that...im upset today, angry, irrational etc and just feel like I'm going crazy. I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in 2015 and for the most part am able to get on with life etc and try not to get too upset about everything and live in the moment. But sometimes (like today) it just overwhelms me and I feel so angry, scared, tearful etc . It comes from nowhere and makes me feel mad. Have had a lovely family day with DP and DS and extended family, everyone went home and I started tidying up and noticed one of my bowls has been chipped when DP was washing up (obviously I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things) but I went bloody mental, I effed and blinded, said horrible things about him, screamed in his face that he never thinks about anyone but himself (couldn't be further from the truth) and told him I don't want to marry him anymore as can't live like this!!
I feel like the biggest bitch in the world right now and am upstairs hiding in our room bawling my eyes and really don't know what to do. What is wrong with me. I love him so much; he's my rock, supported me through everything and picked me up when I've been down. But I'm so bloody angry, at everything and everyone. I can hear him playing with our DS downstairs and it breaks my heart, I'm only 30 and my DS v young, I hate that I'm one day I might not be here for him and I'm terrified of the cancer coming back. Every time we have a nice day together as a family I feel so upset afterwards as it just feels like I'm watching everyone else through glass and seeing how they're all going to be fine and be able to carry on without me when I die.
I just can't stop crying, I don't want to feel like this and it's so hard because everyone IRL always comments on how strong and positive I am about everything so I hate letting them down by showing weakness and crying. It's like they all think as I'm not having active treatment (apart from hormone therapy and injections) or bawling my eyes out everyday that I should be back to normal. But I'm not, it hurts so much and the fear never leaves..its so physically painful to be scared 24/7. I can't go to my Drs as they just give me more and more anti depressants which don't work. Drugs don't stop you being shit scared of dying and leaving your young son. The only counselling I was offered was group CBT which again I don't see the point as don't want to sit with a load of strangers and discuss how f*up I am.
Sorry for the long post and rant and don't really know what I'm asking or why I'm even posting here but hate feeling this way. How do I stop being such a bitch, how do I stop being so angry. How do I go and apologise and look my DP in the eye after the awful things I've said all to him because of a bloody chipped bowl
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Life-limiting illness
Upset and need to vent
Elenasparkles · 15/10/2017 18:58
Oh OP, bless you. Your post really got to me. I don't really have the words but you've been through so many major things I'm not surprised that the little things send you over the edge.
It must be so upsetting seeing people having a great time on a day out and knowing that the good feeling stays with them whilst you live with such fear.
All the things you are feeling are normal I'm sure, and your DP will understand. He will know that you don't mean to hurt him. It's such a traumatic thing for you all, and as you say feeling terrified that it will come back is bound to make you feel such emotions.
Have you contacted any cancer support services who may be more constructive than just regular GP s referral services? Apologies if you have already done this. But they may be able to point you in the right direction for person centred support rather than group therapy (I've had CBT and totally agree with you on that score - was bloody awful and did nothing).
I'm sorry that you have been through all this. Cancer is an utter bastard that screws everything up, and the pressure to hide how you feel and be strong must be unreal. MN are always here if you need to rant and rave and hate everything for a moment, you know we love a bit of ranting on here 
In the meantime OP, I wish you the absolute best and 
for you.
You know what, just tell him. He sounds lovely and I think it's best to be honest. It must be horrendous for you living with such fear, on top of all you've been through. I guess that will never leave you, but hopefully with some support you might feel a little better. I don't mean constantly worry your dp by talking about it, but one real heart to heart might really help you - and maybe him too.
I hope your nurse is helpful
Op your hard as nails lass , seriously !! Don't beat yourself up over this . I can't even imagine what it's like to go through something like that ! But what iv learnt from experience ( other issues not illness ) is talk talk talk!! Don't bottle things up and struggle on keeping the worries in your own head .
Best of luck to you
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