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Upset and need to vent

(4 Posts)
Elenasparkles Sun 15-Oct-17 18:58:10

Basically upset today, angry, irrational etc and just feel like I'm going crazy. I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer in 2015 and for the most part am able to get on with life etc and try not to get too upset about everything and live in the moment. But sometimes (like today) it just overwhelms me and I feel so angry, scared, tearful etc . It comes from nowhere and makes me feel mad. Have had a lovely family day with DP and DS and extended family, everyone went home and I started tidying up and noticed one of my bowls has been chipped when DP was washing up (obviously I know this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things) but I went bloody mental, I effed and blinded, said horrible things about him, screamed in his face that he never thinks about anyone but himself (couldn't be further from the truth) and told him I don't want to marry him anymore as can't live like this!!

I feel like the biggest bitch in the world right now and am upstairs hiding in our room bawling my eyes and really don't know what to do. What is wrong with me. I love him so much; he's my rock, supported me through everything and picked me up when I've been down. But I'm so bloody angry, at everything and everyone. I can hear him playing with our DS downstairs and it breaks my heart, I'm only 30 and my DS v young, I hate that I'm one day I might not be here for him and I'm terrified of the cancer coming back. Every time we have a nice day together as a family I feel so upset afterwards as it just feels like I'm watching everyone else through glass and seeing how they're all going to be fine and be able to carry on without me when I die.

I just can't stop crying, I don't want to feel like this and it's so hard because everyone IRL always comments on how strong and positive I am about everything so I hate letting them down by showing weakness and crying. It's like they all think as I'm not having active treatment (apart from hormone therapy and injections) or bawling my eyes out everyday that I should be back to normal. But I'm not, it hurts so much and the fear never leaves..its so physically painful to be scared 24/7. I can't go to my Drs as they just give me more and more anti depressants which don't work. Drugs don't stop you being shit scared of dying and leaving your young son. The only counselling I was offered was group CBT which again I don't see the point as don't want to sit with a load of strangers and discuss how f*up I am.

Sorry for the long post and rant and don't really know what I'm asking or why I'm even posting here but hate feeling this way. How do I stop being such a bitch, how do I stop being so angry. How do I go and apologise and look my DP in the eye after the awful things I've said all to him because of a bloody chipped bowl

BonApp Thu 19-Oct-17 23:48:34

I don't think you sound messed up. I think you sound like a loving and kind person who has been dealt a shit hand, someone who is simply scared and hurting from how much you have to lose.

I am not going through what you are, but I'm fairly sure I would feel the same as you describe. Breaking down, lashing out etc are ways of releasing all that fear and tension, anger, hurt, pain, stress and worry. And sadness. It needs to come out....

Is there a charity or "helpline" you can speak to? I'm sorry if that sounds trite but maybe they have counsellors who can offer some support as this all must be a very heavy burden to bear and you sound like you deserve some additional help.

I'm sure your DH won't hold it against you.

Hope you've had a better time of it since you posted flowers

Crumbs1 Fri 20-Oct-17 00:25:01

Are you having treatment now or is it the fear of recurrence that is frightening you? When you were diagnosed did they share the adjuvant online prognostic indicator with you? Sometimes seeing the figures that relate specifically to you can be quite reassuring.
Just go and tell him you love him, you’re sorry and sometimes being scared makes you angry.
Then tomorrow go to your GP or contact your breast care nurse and tell them you’re struggling a bit. There is support out there and they can point you 8n the right direction.
Macmillan online and helpline is also very good at providing expert reassurance and a support system.
It is tough but you need to try and enjoy your children and your partner. The fear and anxiety could destroy what you have. It’s not abnormal to feel a bit cut adrift after treatment finishes but yours sounds a little more than that. Don’t be too dismissive of antidepressants or group CBT. They might tide you over this tough time.
It would be a great pity to wake up on your 80th birthday and realise you’d forgotten to enjoy your life because you were scared. Nobody can tell you it won’t come back but you have been treated and most women are cured. Talk to your GP or breast nurse about the real risk of recurrence: it is probably a lot less than you imagine. Mine was something like an 82% chance of no recurrence at 5 years - an A grade if it were an A level. My five years is in the past and luckily no signs of return but I do remember telling myself I didn’t mind dying relatively young as long as I saw my children grown up and settled. I’m fortunately in the majority of us that do well.
Was yours ER and/or Herceptin positive? Did you have node involvement? Do talk to someone about your five and ten year risks. Just because it’s aggressive doesn’t mean it isn’t cured.

Elmindarina Sun 22-Oct-17 20:26:35

Hi OP, I found that talking to an onco-psychologist was really helpful after I finished treatment for breast cancer. My surgeon referred me (NHS). Maybe something you could ask about? I found it better than counselling.

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