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Struggling to cope with DF dying

(9 Posts)
Retreatbynameretreatbynature Sun 01-Oct-17 12:49:07

I'm sitting here with my darling DF in the hospice as he is in the end stages of cancer and suffering so much. It's horrendous. I'm seeing him slowly disappear in front of my eyes as this awful disease takes my DF away from his family. As well as needing to be there for my DF and DM, I am also struggling to support my two DDs. One has severe depression and is unable to be at school, the other has autism which is causing severe anxiety. But they need me so much and I am feeling as though I'm being torn in so many directions. I'm not sleeping and am conscious that one DD is awake most of night as well. The other DD sleeps in my bed as she is so insecure about life in general. Their grandad's illness is simply making their little lives even harder. There are no friends or family I can turn to and I feel so stressed. I cannot believe that we are losing my DF and to see him in pain, frightened, angry, confused, weak is beyond words. Both DDs have specialists who they see but obviously these appointments are sporadic but I'm left to cope and support them every day when I feel so drained already. There's no let up. As I look up at my DF from the keyboard as I'm typing this, I feel as though I want to pick him up and run away from this terrifying situation. As though running would make him all better again!

Ijustlovefood Sun 01-Oct-17 19:41:29

You poor thing. I lost my dad to cancer. He spent some time in a hospice. I know it is extremely hard to see your parent suffering and feeling like your losing them. It is important to look after yourself though. You cannot look after others if you do not look after yourself. Feel free to PM me.

MyGuideJools Tue 03-Oct-17 09:20:03

⚘my heart goes out to you. My dad passed away nearly a month ago from cancer. He had been ill but was only diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks before he died.
I stayed with him for the 24 hours before he passed away and it was agony. Beforehand I visited him daily in hospital and home. I'm afraid I sort of shunned the rest of the family at this time which I feel bad about but I just needed to be with dad.
Not sure what words can be said but just look after yourself, eat and drink. Tell your DD''s what you feel they can cope with. How old are they?
You will get through this, come on this thread and rant or cry to us. It helps, believe me xx

Frazzledmum12 Wed 04-Oct-17 11:49:57

How are you today Retreat?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I too am struggling to juggle my children and family responsibilities along with looking after my DF but it must be so much harder for you with your children's extra needs.
I have found putting an audio book or something else so can listen to and concentrate on helps me fall asleep, it seems to distract me enough to drift off.

Thinking of you.

Retreatbynameretreatbynature Thu 05-Oct-17 00:57:55

Not been a good day unfortunately Frazzled. Hospice doctor took us in a room to explain that my DF may only have days left. It’s unbelievable and I feel in limbo. My DD is also suffering so much with her depression and has confided that she often feels suicidal because she sees no end to her suffering and her adored grandad’s illness. So I am now sitting up as I cant face sleeping, literally gutted by my DD’s words, scared about my DF and the fact we may lose him soon and I simply feel as though I don’t know how to support everyone who needs me. I may try an audio book however. I get tired but I just can’t switch off.

PanannyPanoo Thu 05-Oct-17 01:08:09

Hi just wanted to give you a virtual hug
I lost someone close to cancer last week. It is so so tough.
I am so sorry to hear about your dds struggle too. How old is she?

There are excellent resources about death designed for people with autism.

There will be counsellors in the hospice that may be able to support both of your daughters through this horrible time. Have you spoken with any staff?

Retreatbynameretreatbynature Thu 05-Oct-17 16:19:38

Thanks Pannany and to everyone who has posted. The hospice counsellors don’t work with children so we need to look elsewhere unfortunately. I am so sorry to hear that you lost someone dear last week, it’s so awful isn’t it? You’re in my thoughts.
I’m sat here with my DF as he intermittently sleeps then speaks a little. I’m also finding some of his favourite songs to play although some are making him cry. Music is very emotive I think and the songs are certainly bringing back some precious memories. Whilst I’m here with my DF, I’m also thinking about my DDs at home who both need me as they’re so vulnerable for different reasons right now. Luckily my DH is home so they at least have one of us to lean on.

Vintagebeads Thu 05-Oct-17 16:29:54

Lots of love to you all,my DF died the same way,I took comfort in the fact that the hospice made him much more comfortable than in hospital or at home.They really are a special breed.
I had this feeling of wanting it all to be over but dreading it being over at the same time.
It felt out of body like.Try to just get through today and do it that way,everyone handles things differently so give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

PanannyPanoo Thu 05-Oct-17 22:19:33

Here are a few links that might be useful for your daughters.

www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/resource-library/bereavement-and-grief-resources

www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/bereavement.aspx

This has lots of useful links like Winstons wish.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/bereavement/Pages/young-people-bereavement.aspx

Thinking of you. Such a tough time. Hope you have some moments of peace and contentment and love.

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