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Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

(248 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

BonApp Sat 15-Jul-17 18:15:54

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

hairymuffet Sat 15-Jul-17 18:17:48

flowers

PinkBuffalo Sat 15-Jul-17 18:58:07

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I do understand when you say he's your hero. My dad is my life, and got a bad diagnosis yesterday.
I don't know what to do either, but will hold your hand for you x

altiara Sat 15-Jul-17 19:04:27

flowers

PrincessIsAUnicorn Sat 15-Jul-17 19:32:59

flowers and hugs BonApp

Horsemad Sat 15-Jul-17 19:34:44

flowers It's really really hard when we have to face Upton our parents ageing and, or illness sad

LookImAHooman Sat 15-Jul-17 19:37:21

It's shit, I'm sorry flowers My dad's been ill for so long that day to day, it's just 'how he is' now but sometimes it hits me how early it happened, what things used to be like and how young my sibling and I were (though adults, just).

Give yourself time to get over the initial shock and be kind to yourself. Do/give yourself what you want for now. I hope you've got someone you can lean on in RL, too.

Saucery Sat 15-Jul-17 19:37:38

It's such a shock, isn't it? Allow yourself the luxury of a good cry if that's how you feel. And would he want you to never go anywhere or do anything with your life just to always be right by his side? I doubt it, so don't beat yourself up about that. flowers

BonApp Sat 15-Jul-17 20:29:18

Thank you all.

I have DH and small DC and have been crying on and off today which helps, as I feel it bubbling up and it has to come out.

I've got a horrid headache and my chest feels a bit squished somehow but I'm ok.

There's lots of questions running around in my mind, and the 'story so far' of what my dad told me this morning is a bit blurry now so I might call him again tomorrow to discuss it.

I'm worried about letting him see that I'm stressed/upset though - he'll hate that I'm worried. And whilst he won't downplay things or withhold info, I want him to tell me it'll be ok and I don't know that he can. He's usually quite laid back and I can see he's very worried and upset which is making me think the worst. He's usually the first to say "nah, don't worry, it'll all be fine, these things sort themselves out" sad

I'm scared that this is just the beginning and that the really shit bits are yet to come.

Selfishly, I don't know if it how I'll be able to cope. I barely have the head/heartspace to "give" to my nearest and dearest as it is, let alone throwing this beast into the mix.

BonApp Sat 15-Jul-17 20:32:49

pinkuffalo I'm so so sorry to hear your dad has had bad news. Sending you a virtual hand squeeze too.

hooman living with a long-term illness must be very tough for you and him. Best wishes.

Bettercallsaul1 Sat 15-Jul-17 21:01:06

Sending my sympathies, BonApp. It sounds as if this news was out of the blue, which is always a dreadful shock - like a physical blow, as well as the emotional element. Also, you have no definite information yet do your imagination is free to think the worst. It is a horrible feeling to know that someone you love is suffering, far away from us, and we are not there with them to ease their pain. I sincerely hope things are not as bad as you fear, and either your Dad is alright or something can be done for him. flowers

BonApp Sat 15-Jul-17 21:15:00

better thank you so much, you've hit the nail on the head re the shock element and your words are very consoling.

I've been pretty lucky in life so far, haven't had to personally deal with much in the way of bad news. The last time I did I was 19/20, younger obvs and more robust emotionally, with the view that PMA could solve anything. Now in my late 30s with children of my own life feels that much more delicate I guess.

LavenderRains Sat 15-Jul-17 21:16:40

flowers for you. I know how you feel. My dad had a bad diagnosis this year and he's suddenly become a frail old man. It's heartbreaking. Like you say, he's your hero.
My dad is surprisingly honest and tells us everything (weather we want to know or not!)
I hope things arnt as bad as you fear xx

BonApp Sat 15-Jul-17 21:48:34

lavender poor you and your poor dad. I think honesty and openness is the way forward... scary and sad though I'm sure.

Octopus37 Sat 15-Jul-17 22:57:22

So sorry that your Dad is ill. Really hard but try and take things one day at a time and chat, spend time together whenever you can. Also draw on what support you can, v hard. I have worries about my Dad's physical and mental health at the moment, slightly different situation cause to cut s long story short he us in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm hardly allowed to even speak on my he phone to him and trying to see him is incredibly difficult, he lives 200 miles away. Sending hugs

PicardsCombOver Sat 15-Jul-17 23:06:10

flowers brew cake op you're in a horrid position and it's very difficult to know how to react with so many unknowns. You're not alone though which I hope is some small comfort. This week I ran/crutched between a cardiac ward that my mum is on and A+E downstairs where my grandad was after another heart attack. In the car home my MIL and I just looked at each other like wtf? Life throws some seriously unfunny curveballs. Please ignore my ramblings, grandad has a few months left and my head is fucked. Hope and hugs for everyone brew

LavenderRains Sat 15-Jul-17 23:15:07

flowers for everyone going through this. Its bloody tough.
This is my dad's 4th major illness, 1 was cancer which was successfully treated. All the other things have lingered and this latest thing is untreatable.
It's so sad, has he not been through enough!!? Most people would be unlucky to get one thing but my lovely strong as an ox dad had to get 4sad
Sorry for going on 😔

BonApp Sun 16-Jul-17 08:13:12

I'm feeling slightly better today, but that chest-crush is still there, as is the queasiness (and am going to the toilet rather a lot too, is this normal? Guessing it's the adrenaline?).

I desp want to speak to my dad but am nervous to as well.

Oh I've just started crying again.

My DH thinks I'm working myself up about it all. He's not very good at saying the right thing, though means well.

I don't know whether to mention this to work. My boss is a nice guy but I don't know what the point would be yet. Perhaps I'll see how things go and if I get wobbly I'll have a chat with him.

I haven't told my besties yet either. We have a WhatsApp group but again, there's nothing too much to tell them yet. Plus one is visiting soon and I don't want her to think it'll be bad timing. Maybe I'll mention it to her when she's here.

DH is playing angus & julia stone in the kitchen. It's making me feel sad. Funny how music can trigger emotions.

I might just keep posting for a while as I don't really know what else to do.

BonApp Sun 16-Jul-17 08:15:14

lavender 4 illness, that's horrific. Feel free to "go on", sounds like you have every right to, that all sounds horribly unfair.

LavenderRains Sun 16-Jul-17 12:24:01

Keep posting on here. It's all normal what you are feeling.it may sound strange but I felt much better once dad had a proper diagnosis and a plan of attack so to speak. The worse thing is all the waiting for tests,,results etc. I bet you will feel better once you've spoken to your dad again. xx

BonApp Sun 16-Jul-17 14:55:42

Thank you. I feel like I need to know what all the possibilities are and they're not quite clear in my head yet. Not sure that dad knows either but hopefully he'll know some of the answers to my questions.

I'm really terrified of the diagnosis though. Usually I'm the kind of person who would just want to know. This time I'm not sure that I do.......

BonApp Mon 17-Jul-17 12:25:16

Spoke to dad again. He said he was a bit overcome with emotion when he told me that tests were needed, but he sounded much calmer and more like his laid back self. I asked him his gut feeling on the results and he says he really doesn't know. There's a whole host of possibilities that this thing could be, ranging from really minor to really horrific. There is confirmation that there is something there but it could lay dormant for years/forever, or it could be causing problems.

I'm still a bit wobbly and feel queasy at the thought of the results, but work is a good distraction.

Feeling that hope and PMA are very random concepts as they won't change anything. Funny, as I usually believe in "asking the universe" and right now I'm feeling that is a bit naive.

Just a waiting game for the next few weeks now. Patience has never been my strong point confused

PinkBuffalo Mon 17-Jul-17 17:09:39

I'm glad your dad's keeping in touch with you Bon I'm not surprised he was over come by emotion. It can get all too much having lots of tests.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you all

EastMidsGPs Mon 17-Jul-17 17:16:02

Currently living through this with my mum.
We are living one day at a time, trying not to forecast the future or second guess what will happen next.
It is emotionally exhausting all I can offer is flowers

BonApp Mon 17-Jul-17 19:01:06

He scanned me his letters from the hosp and I'm all scared again. One letter makes reference to something they think it might be. I very very briefly googled what it was, not prognosis or anything, just enough to get a description- and it's not good.

These next few weeks are going to be horrible.

eastmids It is knackering. I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation. I hope your mum is ok.

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