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Is this the end?

(8 Posts)
RainbowBriteSprite Mon 13-Mar-17 22:01:38

Apologies that this sounds so matter of fact. Trying to avoid a long story. And that it will bring back devastating memories for anyone who's been where I am now. Thank you though, the support from this community is amazing.

DM has metastatic cancer. Given 1 year last July. Gone downhill rapidly recently, lost A LOT of weight as constantly sick and has gone from being tall and roundish to skin and bones. She's been bed bound for a couple of weeks now, too weak to get up or even sit up by herself. Had a fall at home, taken into hospital. They are tinkering with her meds. My DB visited today and DM only opened her eyes momentarily and said she just wanted to sleep. She's been hallucinating according to the nurses. I feel like this marks a change in how she's been. I really need to know if this is the end. No one is saying anything.

ImperialBlether Mon 13-Mar-17 22:06:11

I'm so sorry. It does sound as though something's changed. My dad died suddenly last year, though he'd been very poorly, and I think what helped us was thinking he really wouldn't have wanted to go on if he wasn't independent with some quality of life. Perhaps this is time to remember your mum as she was and hope she has a peaceful passing, rather than longing for her to go on. I hope you don't mind my saying this.

flowers

Cartright Mon 13-Mar-17 22:13:19

I would speak to the nurses. Sorry to be blunt, but when my parent was dying from cancer there was a 'preparing for death' form, or titled something similar in their medical folder at the end of the bed, and places for the medical staff to tick to confirm they had briefed the family. A doctor came in specifically to talk to us about it - this was A&E not a hospice. Your mum's death shouldn't come out of the blue - there should be an end of life strategy to ensure she is comfortable, and you are prepared.

bimbobaggins Wed 15-Mar-17 21:52:38

Hello rainbow, , how are you? Is your mum in a hospice?
It does sound as though your mum is nearing the end. I take it she hasn't eaten anything for a while ?
I am speaking from personal experience of a very recent death and they were sleeping almost constantly for the final week, I think this was also partly to do with the medication the hospice was giving. Also hadn't eaten for about a fortnight and they were skin and bones. You could notice a dramatic difference from one day to the next.
We knew death was imminent but it still came as a shock

lougle Wed 15-Mar-17 21:57:00

You can ask them. If you ask to speak to the nurse in charge, you can say 'should I prepare myself for Mum to die very soon?' - that will tell her that you are ready for a frank conversation and she can tell you whether she thinks that her death is imminent or whether she thinks that there is some time to come yet. Either way, they should be keeping your mum very comfortable. flowers

RainbowBriteSprite Thu 16-Mar-17 21:28:39

Thanks for all your responses. We have been with DM for 2 days now, they said she is near the end. Lots of unhelpful comments really - maybe hours, maybe days, not imminent, don't go anywhere. Excruciating waiting in so many ways. flowers for all the losses x

frazzled3ds Thu 16-Mar-17 21:45:52

flowers for you Rainbow. It does sound as though she is nearing the end. It is difficult to 'predict' - my nana passed away at the end of January and had followed a similar path to the one you're describing. The wonderful staff at the hospice called family in at 3am as they felt it was imminent, Nana being the stubbornly determined woman she was stayed until 9am the next day, but was mostly asleep and hallucinating when 'awake'.

The Cancer Research website has some helpful (if difficult to read in the circumstances) pages on what may happen in the final days and hours.

bimbobaggins Fri 17-Mar-17 20:43:36

Thinking of you rainbow. The waiting is awful, you desperately don't want them to suffer anymore but don't want to loose them either.
The comments may seem unhelpful but it may just be that they don't know exactly when it will happen.

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