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I think I'm going to lose both my parents

(3 Posts)
LaunchParty Thu 26-Jan-17 18:27:05

Don't know where else to put this

My mum recovered from ovarian cancer 8 years ago. She's back in hospital today with an infection after an operation last week to remove a one inch growth in her pelvis and she's been told its cancer. Of what, I don't know and for some reason she hasn't asked. This is on top of her having diabetes, neuropathy, mobility issues, gall bladder issues, liver issues, had to have a stent fitted and GOD ALONE KNOWS WHAT ELSE. She's 67 ffs

My dad has been terminally ill for years with advance kidney cancer, now needing life prolonging treatment. Both of them now at the same time

I'm so worried about them both dying. I'm in my 40s so it's not like this should be the biggest surprise I suppose but I'd like some tips on how to cope now. I have a tendency to over think and panic and right now I don't want to go to work or do anything.

Please help me

frazzled3ds Thu 26-Jan-17 21:56:04

Hi. I'm not sure I can offer a great deal of help, but I do fully understand how you feel. My mum suffered a brain haemorrhage last year, and whilst having made an amazing recovery from it, has a range of other health issues that are an ongoing concern. As I type, I'm waiting (dreading) a phone call regarding her Mum, my Nana who is terminally ill, and rapidly approaching the end.

My dad lives with two cancers, had major surgery for a third last year, has had a quintuple heart bypass some 6 years ago, and is currently mid way through a series of tests, appointments etc which we believe will diagnose another cancer (one that has rubbish odds). Mum has done a great deal in caring for and supporting him, on top of her own health challenges, and I fear that losing her Mum is going to hit hard (and I think her Dad will follow shortly for various reasons). Mum is 67, Dad will be 86 next month. I'm 37.

I am currently not working - stress and being a single mum to 3 boys left me utterly battered - the only way I can support my family (kids and parents) is by not being a complete wreck. I am looking for a part time role rather than full time - can't afford to not work.

Sorry for the ramble...... do you have a local hospice or service that can provide some additional hands on support in caring for your parents? Without wanting to sound 'cold' either, perhaps it would be appropriate to have a conversation with your parents (difficult though it will be) about what they want in terms of end of life care, where any important documents (mortgage, insurance policies) etc are kept, and when the time comes, how they wish to be remembered and celebrated. Are there any groups local to you who provide support for folks caring for or living with the illnesses that your parents have - sometimes being able to chat with someone who knows what you are facing can help, just to get it off your chest and have someone listen and understand how you feel. And lastly, are you able to take any time off work, or request flexible working maybe? You have a lot going on, and it is hard, it takes a toll - to be able to support your parents as you want to, you need to take care of you too.

I don't know if any of that helps (probably not!) but you're not on your own, feel free to offload, rant, scream or anything else - happy to listen if it helps.


IrenetheQuaint Thu 26-Jan-17 22:05:56

Really sorry to hear this sad Having one terminally ill parent is bad enough, having (potentially) two must be really hard.

I know it's a massive cliche but you just have to get through it one day at a time. Don't think ahead any more than you need to. And do be nice to yourself whenever you have the chance.

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