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My Dad is my mums carer and has terminal cancer

(3 Posts)
Theturnips Wed 04-Jan-17 21:07:23

Hi, My mum has been in a wheelchair for over a decade due to chronic arthritis and numerous other limiting issues. My Dad has lovingly looked after her for years, tending to everything she has ever needed.

I know it sounds morbid but we always kind of assumed Mum would go first and even joked about it in our many dark humour moments. However, fate has stepped in and Dad who was so fit and strong was diagnosed with Stage 4 bladder cancer in August. A subsequent MRI has shown spread to liver, bones and lungs. He has weeks I would imagine and is currently in hospital.

I am an only child and I've been trying to help with both their needs over the last few months and much has changed, we are getting support, but I don't think I am doing enough. I would really appreciate help with two things.... 1. Am i doing enough to support Dad and 2. What can I do to get a set up for Mum that enables her to stay at home.

So, this is what I've done

Dad - Power of attorney, living will, taken over finances, made contact with hospice (he has been in for a couple of weeks already), attendance allowance sorted and social care in twice a day when he is at home. However, his mobility is almost gone, he is incontinent and his vision & mental capacity are going downhill. The hospice say he is probably not quite ill enough for them but he cant go home - His needs are too great. Is there a kind of halfway house between hospice / hospital and home? I have put a call into the GP to ask advice.

Mum - Now this is where I need the most help.... She has a comode and a turning circle (but can only be used by two people). Thats it.... She has a normal sofa and normal bed and used to be able to transfer to the comode from each via the turning circle.But this is getting so hard for her now and she can only manage it after several attempts in real pain. She is desperately unhappy but so so so wants to stay at home. Social care come in 4 times a day and she has an emergency call button.

What else can I look at? I thought of a riser chair, a riser bed, a tea maker she can have next to her.... Anything else?

Occupational Therapy are involved but have been slow to progress anything and she needs help more immediately.

stressedoutnfedup Fri 06-Jan-17 15:33:24

have you contacted social services? they can get support workers to sleep in or visit so many times a day to cook, bath etc. If you are looking for a riser chair a lot of the hospice charity shops sell used ones at a fraction of the cost of new and they will also advise you on beds grab rails etc, you can be waiting months for occupational therapy to help, then there is another waiting list for things to be put in place.

hotchocforme Mon 23-Jan-17 16:23:01

Sorry to hear that you and your parents are going through this.

I don't have any answers but I think a hospice would be best for your Dad.
Is there an assisted living shop near you? They might be able to help. How about Citizens advice?

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