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How do you cope without your mum?

(7 Posts)
mrskitty15 Thu 08-Dec-16 14:06:34

My mother got diagnosed with Kidney Cancer last year that had spread to her lungs, they said it was incurable at that point. She had her Kidney removed and has been on treatment for the mets on her lungs which are now stable. However, they have now said she looks to have mets on the outside of her stomach and bowel. We need to wait another 3-4 weeks for a CT scan to check if the new mets are progressive but I think the docs believe they are anyway. I just don't know how to cope with all this and can't imagine what it would be like to not have my mum here. I also have a 16 month old daughter who was born just before the diagnosis. Whilst me and my husband had talked about having another child in the near-ish future, I just don't know if I could go through with that as it would be highly unlikely that my mother would ever be able to meet him/her. Sorry for spilling my guts, I don't have anyone close to talk to so I needed to get it out on here. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated as just feeling a little lost and devastated at the moment. Thank you.

bevelino Thu 08-Dec-16 21:26:58

Mrskitty I have no words that can help you during this time. I hope your mother remains comfortable through any treatment she has. I am thinking of you in this difficult time.

I am sure your mum would not want you to not have another child and she will always be your mum no matter what happens.

minmooch Fri 09-Dec-16 07:15:13

I'm so sorry your mum has this diagnosis.

I lost my mum just over a year ago. You will survive because you have no choice. It is the right order of things, albeit she may be young. My mum was 72 when she died, should have had a bit longer but had lived a full life. My son died aged 18 the year before that.

There is so much that neither my son nor my mum will know about my life or the life of my loved ones.

You grieve heavily then you learn to live with grief by your side. It's hard, unbelievably. But you do it. You do it for those around you.

Love and strength for difficult times ahead.

Iamthecatsmother Fri 09-Dec-16 22:52:59

Hi, so sorry to hear what you're going through.

I lost my mum 12 years ago when DS was a baby. It was a dreadful time, she was 60, cancer, very traumatic. After her loss, I had two miscarriages, I really needed mum then and then I had dd. Dd is 8 now and it's a sadness to me and her that she never got to meet her nanny. There's so much about my life she never knew. I talk about mum to the dcs, her picture is on the wall, I celebrate her birthday and raise a glass to her at Christmas. I wish that she was here and I miss her every day but you have to carry on. I owe her that.

There's no easy answer, it's bloody hard. But somehow, you adjust. Don't make any hasty decisions right now but I'm pretty sure your mum would want you to carry on and be happy. Mine did. Take one day at a time, you will get through this flowers

thisagain Sun 18-Dec-16 23:46:27

My experience is very much as iamthecatsmother. My mum died asked 60 when I had a baby followed by 2 miscarriages, but for me it was 20 years ago. I have 8 years between my first 2 children, in part because I couldn't face having another child for quite a while after my mum's death. I remember initially thinking "when is it ever going to get easier", but it does. Initially I found myself thinking about my mum every single minute of every day. Then there were short periods of time when I was distracted from my loss. These periods became longer until, her death was no longer a daily thought. Now, I probably think about her most days but not with the same raw intense emotion. I still miss her but not in the same way. I can think about her and smile and laugh, rather than cry. It is much more bearable now and life goes on. Try not to dwell on it, because you will cope. I would almost say that the uncertainty when my mother was ill, and the pain of seeing her and knowing she wasn't going to get better was worse than after her death. Just take one day at a time. flowers

MrsMontgomerySmythe Wed 28-Dec-16 15:02:14

I lost my mum as a teen. She never even saw me finish my a levels.
That was nearly 30 years ago and still feels like yesterday.

I have lived my whole adult life without her. I have missed her terribly.

She was not there for any of the moments of my adult life.

But ... On the day she died I promised myself that I had to carry on living. Despite missing her I have lived life to the full.

This is all we can do for our mums.... Carry on living a rich full life as that is what they want for us.

Please do not rule out never having another child. That child will be a link to your mum - whether or not she sees them.

Before my mum passed we Jose together the middle name of my future daughter. Never thought to choose a boy name with her. Wouldn't you know it .... I only had boys!

Maybe you could give her the gift of helping to name a future child.

MrsMontgomerySmythe Wed 28-Dec-16 15:03:26

Chose not Jose 😊

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