Mum is about to die - practical advice please

[Achooblessyou]

My mum is in a nursing home some distance from where my dad lives. Dad is very frail so I'll be sorting out the practicalities.

When we get the call, what will be expected of us? Should we already know which funeral directors we want to use? Is it better to choose one near to dads or near to the nursing home? What happens then?

I don't think my dad fully understands that she isn't going to get better, so hard to discuss this with him, whether he has preferences for funeral directors.

Gosh I sound very cold talking about this but I think it will be easier if I'm prepared :(

[Achooblessyou]

Thanks for responding. I think she'll go straight to the funeral home. Sounds like better to choose one near dads. We've never discussed anything as she's been quite confused since she got the diagnosis.

[CMOTDibbler]

I'm sorry you are facing this. I'd choose a funeral director close to your dad if the funeral will be there, but I think they all cover a fairly wide area. Do your parents have any history with a FD - one used for grandparents etc?

You could call one now and go for a chat, and they will talk you through what will happen, and you can sort things out with them now.

For my grandparents we had a small buffet in a pub after which the FD arranged, and that's what I'll do for my parents as well.

[tealady]

Much sympathy to you. Its still hard to deal with even if you are expecting it to happen. More useful information here about what to do
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/death-and-wills/what-to-do-after-a-death/
Take care.

[chattygranny]

Sorry to hear this. We had a week to clear out my mother's nursing home room, no pressure was put on. I would suggest if you can you get a personal recommendation for an undertaker from a family who has used them. We steered well clear of one locally who had mis-spelled my friend's mother's name and didn't seem very sorry though it really upset her. You're sensible to think about things in advance. Best wishes.

[Lolimax]

So sorry you're about to go through this. What I will say is that undertakers know their stuff. The ones who dealt with my mum were brilliant and very professional. They guided me every step of the way. Good luck, it's not easy but you know the lovely nest of vipers on here will be here to help if and when you need it.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm so sorry your mum is dying, OP. My dad died earlier this year and I know how awful it is.

We found the undertakers are really good but I thought they asked some questions (eg what to do with the ashes) too soon after the death. Maybe be prepared to say "We'll talk about that another time" if your poor dad is struggling.

One thing I'd advise is, if you have Co-operative Funeral Care (they're very good) in your area, go and get a Co-op card at your nearest Co-op shop as you get £250 knocked off. Sorry to be so practical about it but a funeral does cost such a lot of money.

[allthecarbs]

Sorry to hear about your mum. Fwiw you don't sound cold. It's really good to focus on the practical side of things. On the other hand don't be afraid to feel your feelings. You can push them down so much but they'll only pop up later on in life.

As you have time I would look in to reviews on funeral homes. We didn't and went to the first that came to mind. I won't go in to details but we had a horrible experience with them.

[tictactoad]

I'm sorry about your mum, OP. My dad died unexpectedly earlier this year and the practicalities on top are hard going.

We used a local (to my mum's) Co-op funeral care service and couldn't fault them. It was very useful being able to drop in easily at any point beforehand and afterwards there were other details to take care of which meant a few more visits. If you use them I second getting a Co-op card beforehand for the discount.

[Achooblessyou]

Thanks all this really helps

[user1473282350]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

One point on finances (which are probably the least of your worries and at the back of your thoughts). My partners mum signed blank cheques before she died - these were cashed shortly after she died, but before the bank were notified. It meant that there was no worry about finding money for funeral costs and travel expenses.

If you have time, remember to organise some clothes - we had two sets - one that she was laid out in and one that she was buried in.

It's not an easy time for anyone, take care of yourself.

[TamyQlass]

All my sympathy. Lots of good advice already. Especially about getting some money out of accounts. It may be easier to to suss out undertakers now than post death. Start making lists, who to tell f&f, banks, accounts etc, what to be done about funeral, etc. Including what you can ask others to do.
Even though it was expected with my mother, it still came as a shock and affected me deeply, sleep, flashes of memories, all very strange, so some lists started will help. Make sure you give yourself time and space, don't allow yourself to be rushed.
Treasure these last moments. I'm sure you'll be strong