Supporting a friend

[SouthBySouthWest]

I'm hoping this is the right place for this question, but I thought those going through something like this would be the best to answer this question.

My friend is the same age as me (late 30s), with DCs roughly the same age as mine - we went through our first pregnancies together, and also work together. She already has her own struggles, after being diagnosed with MS when DS1 was about a year old.

When her DS2 was about 6 months old, her DH was diagnosed with leukemia. This was over a year ago.

I have tried to support her over the last year as best I could, but I'm not sure it's enough. She has recently returned to work, through necessity, and after a conversation I had with her today, I just know she's not coping. Her DH has been through treatment and a bone marrow transplant, but has graft vs host infections and has lost a lot of weight. He now has a feeding tube. I think he is just existing in their house, while she carries the weight of looking after a 5 and 1.5 yr old (and the older one has SN).

I just wanted to give her a big hug, and I did, but knew that if we talked any more at work, she would break down.

She has parents that help, and in laws that help, but in a long drawn out situation like this, people can sometimes, unwittingly, make things worse. Little comments here and there. She has had to go back to work for financial reasons, and family are doing childcare. This seems to be causing extra stress, so we talked about alternatives and childcare vouchers etc. I think that would help.

I feel that she is putting on a brave face, but has lost a lot of weight and I can just see how hard it's been. I just don't know what I can do, practically. I want to take her out so that she can get some grown up time, but I'm not sure if she can organise a babysitter. Her older DS is probably on the autistic spectrum (not diagnosed, but he has not started mainstream education because of it), and routine and familiarity are what he needs. So it would have to be family that babysat, and I'm not sure she would like to ask.

Is there anything else I can do? I would love just to go over to hers one evening, but with small DSs myself, and her DH immunosuppressed, it never seems like a good time.

In this situation, what would help? A shoulder to cry on? Practical help? I know my DH would gladly help out, as he is her friend too (we all work together).

I'm just at a loss...help!

[Hellenbach]

What a nice friend you are, so thoughtful.
I have a DH with cancer and two children, one with SN.
What I would appreciate is someone to babysit sometimes so I could go for a swim, or go to the gym.
Someone to take my children on a playdate.
A break at the weekend, maybe to be invited to lunch?
I hope these suggestions help

[WaverleyOwl]

Hellenbach, thank you for taking the time to reply. It's sort of what I expected, and I would gladly offer these things. The only issue is that her DS1 is really not comfortable being left with anyone other than GPs, so I fear that would cause more stress.

There seems to be a bit of strain around GPs providing babysitting, as one set feel they are doing more than the others, even though the others her DH's parents) live around the corner. A bit of tension there which might offset any benefits of getting out the house for my friend

I do invite her to my house, and have met her at soft play, but as they have got older, my DS1 finds it increasingly hard to understand her DS1's behaviour, and so finds it stressful. However, now that our DS1's are in school, I may suggest meeting with her and our younger DS2s when we are not working. Maybe that's the answer.