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Dad rang to tell us he is dying and has known for sometime

(28 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sun 19-Apr-15 08:26:11

well as i suspected dads aggressive cancer is no longer being controlled by chemo.this is no surprise and he has had longer than anyone ive managed to find on cancer community websites.
it was in his prostate lymph nodes and then bladder its now in his ribs and spine which you can live with however he has a rare aggressive type.
he knows we will look after mum whose cancer will return at some point.he has has 2 1/2 YRS since diagnosis.
He told my much younger adopted sis he has know for sometime the chemo wasnt working and its almost a relief to get it confirmed.
he may stop driving soon because of the pain.He knows he wont make the yr out and i dont think he will make the end of summer.
My heart is breaking and ive warned my work colleagues as they cn be insensitive GRR i hate caner but realise we have been so lucky so far .

chocoluvva Sun 19-Apr-15 11:45:13

Very sorry to read your post Whatsforteamum.

I know what it's like to have a parent know their cancer is terminal.

You will find a strength that you didn't know you had. There will be good days and bad days.

How far are you from your dad?

Mintyy Sun 19-Apr-15 11:50:11

I am so very sorry whatisforteamum.

If his care team can get his pain under control, he might feel a bit better for a while! chemo is devastating and gruesome. He has gone through a lot in two and a half years. I expect he does feel a kind of relief.

Thoughts are with you and your Mum flowers.

whatisforteamum Sun 19-Apr-15 18:04:05

Thank you both parents are incurable and with 4 lots of chemo and major surgery between them and radiotherapy scans blood tests oncologists i feel quite drained by it all several yrs of this sh*t.
I live in the same town so plenty of time to visit and keep an eye on them just seems weird to think of him/Them not here xx

Elibean Mon 20-Apr-15 10:11:22

I'm so sorry, whatisforteamum. My lovely uncle died of prostate cancer almost a year ago, and yes - shit indeed. My uncle was relieved too, as if he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop and once it had, he could relax. He actually had a few better weeks after stopping chemo, more energy, able to tend his garden and put plans into place for care at home - I hope your dad gets the same relief, both physically and mentally.
Big hugs to you xxx

whatisforteamum Mon 20-Apr-15 10:22:05

Thank you Elibean sorry about your uncle.I think we see the strong males in our families as always being strong and its so hard to watch them suffer.Dad has done up the house and is decorating a couple of rooms though one is still in progress.Once he has the hospice at home team again i will feel better for Mum as she has that expect help.I agree about the garden dads been kipping in the afternoon but then so do i sometimes !! xxx

Elibean Tue 21-Apr-15 12:06:16

Yes, that is very true! And, thanks. I'm glad your dad is getting hospice-at-home as they can be hugely helpful. I'm also glad he has some sunny weather to sit in the garden in smile
Take care of yourself, two sick parents is a lot on your shoulders x

whatisforteamum Mon 27-Apr-15 18:17:19

well dh and i managed a long weekend away,No kids and no work i wasnt so worried about dad as it was a change of scene.Dad took the kids to the local town then made them a roast dinner.I hope they chatted as this time is precious for everyone.The place Dh and i went was an old childhood holiday favourite.Mum and Dad took us there at least twice a year and im not sure when he will feel like driving that far to go himself.Lovely to get away though.

queenofthepirates Mon 27-Apr-15 19:08:42

I was you 4 months ago and Dad passed away in February. Nothing prepared me for it and I still can't quite believe he's gone but he is and it was peaceful.

whatisforteamum Mon 27-Apr-15 19:33:44

Aww Queen i am so sorry.Did your lovely Dad have cancer or some other dreadful illness ? I have no idea how i will cope without him he is such a good decent person..someone to look up to.look after yourself flowers

queenofthepirates Wed 29-Apr-15 20:46:46

My Dad had leukaemia and passed away shortly after he told me he had a week to live. It's easing slowly but it wasn't as awful as I thought it might have been. I'm okay and we're okay. I cleared out insensitive people from my life and I visit his grave often and macabre as it sounds, I have photos of him after his death and get them out occasionally to remind myself he is gone. It hurts but the old saying is kind of true, grief ir proportional to how much you loved that person. You will be okay but there's a hand to hold if needed xxx

whatisforteamum Thu 30-Apr-15 07:36:06

queen so sorry you only knew how bad things were for a week although sometimes knowing is such a worry .I am thinking of doing a facebook clear out of people who clearly dont know how hard it is to watch both parents suffer,I dont think it is macabre to have photos you must
do whatever gets you through this time.
Dad seems to be feeling a bit unwell this week which may be the radiotherapy to stop the bleeding,I just take each week as it comes.Thanks for the hand holding offer smile xx

whatisforteamum Mon 04-May-15 08:04:44

saw df sunday he had bad diorreah probably a side effect from the radiotherapy he had 2 weeks ago,Mum has her blood test this week then sees her oncologist for her 4 monthly checks.She seems ok and i have to think she is or i may go mad.It was bad enough in 2012 when they both had ops and chemo.Love to all going through this.they have hospice at home nurses to call when required which is a relief to know.

whatisforteamum Fri 15-May-15 17:35:12

mum got on ok at her cancer check and Dad has been in good spirits and even been out a bit.Today he met the hospice at home nurse who is on call 24 hrs a day which they dont think they need yet but it is good to know they are there.Love to all going through this and your loved ones,xx

MrsMiniver Sat 16-May-15 15:12:05

Until this sort of thing happens to us, we have no idea....six months ago there was no cancer in the family and now two of my loved ones have it and we're waiting to hear about a third one. Wishing you strength and love, it must be so hard coping with this as well as looking after your own family but it seems that you're able to find little pockets of happiness at this very difficult time. Take care x

whatisforteamum Sat 16-May-15 15:38:37

it has been 7 yrs now with Mum and Dad for which i am very grateful and lucky as the prognosis was a lot less.I am sorry that you are in this boat too my sis was also tested for breast cancer a while back and thankfully it was scar tissue the biopsy found.Everything crossed your third family member is ok too xx

whatisforteamum Mon 25-May-15 13:42:00

Df has been unwell all weekend.I didnt know he has been vomiting all day sat as i was working.He had such bad back and leg pain he went to hospital where he was found to have high temp sent home with antibiotics and pain relief,DH on the other hand decided to get badly drunk and keep us all awakke then sleep all day and night sunday.i know which man has my sympathy sad

StaceyAndTracey Mon 25-May-15 13:59:01

Sorry to hear your DF has had such a bad weekend

I've No sympathy for your H either

How are your kids taking it ?

whatisforteamum Mon 25-May-15 14:12:18

DD is closer to df and ds is typical quiet teen boy but not that close to my df.We know that time is limited and im taking it bit by bit .no idea how Dm gets the strength to go on caring for her Dh of almost 50 yrs.

whatisforteamum Wed 27-May-15 11:35:14

Df had the doc out again for more antibiotics as they now think he has an infection in his water.He ate a little but looked dreadful tbh.Heartbreaking to see a strong man who did so much for others sat defeated in pain in a chair.Find out scan results next tue im not expecting good news as the cancer spread with platinum chemo so without it for 2 months i fear the worst sad

MackerelOfFact Wed 27-May-15 12:11:35

Oh whatisforteamum I'm so sorry. Water infections can be strange beasts though, they have peculiar symptoms and affect people in odd ways. Hopefully that's what's causing the problem and it can be fixed with antibiotics. Thinking of you. flowers

whatisforteamum Wed 27-May-15 20:47:27

Thanks mackerel tbh its bad enough to have a water infection in a healthy person let alone someone with cancer that has advanced to untreatable.He sounded chirpier when dh rang him and his pain is being controlled smile

whatisforteamum Wed 03-Jun-15 11:51:27

Dads scan results show his cancer is still spreading as predicted without chemo.The tumours are larger and he may need an operation on his kidney as it is blocked.he has 2 weeks to decide if he want some chemo tablets and im not sure he will having had 9 lots of chemo already love to all on life limiting illnesses and your journeys xx

WhenMarnieWasThere Fri 12-Jun-15 07:50:49

Sending my thoughts your way. My df has aggressive cancer that wasn't discovered until it was very big. Chemo hasn't worked for him and any operation is too dangerous. He's being given radiotherapy just to try and ease his discomfort. His cancer is in his bladder so it is very uncomfortable for him to sit and get about.

It's so hard, as you said, to see him a shell of himself, sitting in his chair trying to be comfortable. I just want my health Dad back, but it's not going to happen.

He's been given a year, tops, as a prognosis and had to tell us yesterday. It's just awful.

lightgreenglass Fri 12-Jun-15 07:59:38

Thinking of you and your family. My DM passed away from cancer in 2013 and was given a year to live from secondary diagnosis, she managed 7 months and one of the hardest things was seeing her pain. In our heads she always had 12 months left, when really the clock was ticking but we hadn't noticed if you get what I mean?

To watch both parents go through cancer - you have my utmost admiration. I hope they are both having a good day/week.

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