I know dp is terminal but i suppose in my heart i cant really accept it. Its all just words to me. My head is full of the facts but i cant dont want to relate them to my wonderful man.
I still think about growing old and doing all the things we talked about it..the life we had planned.. I dont want to give up the hopes and the dreams we made together...
I know i will have to but im not ready to.
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Life-limiting illness
Heart wont accept it..
24 replies
Ludoole · 13/04/2015 23:41
OP posts:
QOD ·
13/04/2015 23:44
I guess it's human nature that we always hope?
Sorry you're facing this
Ludoole ·
14/04/2015 09:59
Eyespy so very sorry to hear about your mum . Thinking of you.
OP posts:
Ludoole ·
15/04/2015 15:23
Juggling Dp is stage 4 bowel cancer with liver and lymph mets.
On the plus side, today we finally got around to making an appointment to register our intent to marry 
Its a pain working round hospital appointments and palliative treatments but at least we are working towards our next goal of being husband and wife.
OP posts:
lessthanBeau ·
15/04/2015 17:13
glad to see your still looking to the future, it won't ever seem real, and you won't ever accept it, we spoke in January we both had bad news on the same day, I was looking for a post from you to see how things were going . sadly my dB passed away on the 28th march. I could never accept it or come to terms with it even on the day he died. much love to you and your oh, cherish every moment, especially the small things that seem insignificant at the time, I've found these are the things that are always popping into my head to make me smile every day. x
Ludoole ·
15/04/2015 23:18
Lessthan So very sorry to hear about your dB .
Im glad you have memories that enable you to smile every day I hope i will too.
Your love for your db was palpable and i cant imagine how hard things have been.
Take care of yourself and i hope you find peace within your memories x
OP posts:
Ludoole ·
17/04/2015 01:04
Juggling Its been a good day
Stomach pain has eased, his blood sugars have settled and his stoma has started working again (his chemo affects all the above). We went for a short walk and im hoping he finally sleeps well tonight!
We've decided we both want an intimate wedding with just very close immediate family.
I love days like today where the cancer takes a backseat in our lives. I almost forgot how ill he is. The only giveaway today was when i looked at him and saw how painfully thin he is.
Thankyou to you all for being here
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad ·
17/04/2015 01:11
(((hugs))) for you Ludoole - it's the worst feeling. My mum died of bowel cancer nearly 8 years ago, and we sat with her through her last night. Around 3 or 4am, I thought "this is ridiculous, her heart is so strong, she's fighting - why don't they stop all this nonsense and DO Something?? They must be able to DO SOMETHING!" Of course they couldn't - she had liver mets as well - but it was a very strange moment. She died around 7am; it was very difficult to believe she had gone, and for days afterwards I thought (cliché alert) that it must all just have been a bad dream. I dreamt she was alive a few times - that was hard too.
I hope you get your marriage sorted out quickly, and I hope that you get more happy memories in. xx
Staywithme ·
17/04/2015 02:10
I'm so sorry Ludoole. I can relate to what your going through as my DH died from cancer four weeks ago and it still doesn't feel real. He was diagnosed two years ago and people seem to think that I should have been prepared for loosing him. Bull shit! It's still a shock.
All through his illness, there were times that we could almost forget that he was ill, then something would happen and we'd come down to earth with a bump. We dealt with it by always having something to look forward to, organising charity shows, renewing our vows, going away to shows and staying in hotels, just sitting in a cafe drinking coffee.
If you have good stuff, like your wedding, to look forward to, it stops you looking too far ahead to the bad stuff.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
JugglingLife ·
17/04/2015 07:04
Paleo, Stay, Thumb, Ludoole, hugs and . I think living life 'in the moment' is a lesson that we can all learn, unfortunately it's often a life changing event that forces us to do it. Ludoole I'm so pleased you had a good day. Tell us more about the intimate wedding, did you set a date yet? What will you wear? Restaurant afterwards? Here's hoping for another good day today and some more beautiful memories for you to carry forward in your journey.
MrsTedCrilly ·
17/04/2015 11:04
So sorry you're going through this I just lost my dad to stage 4 lung cancer and I'm only 30. Horrible disease taking our loved ones too soon, like a parasite. You sound like a strong, positive woman who clearly adores her partner, he is lucky to have you supporting him. Take each day as it comes as he might be with you longer than you think.. Don't think about the end as you will deal with that at the time. Good luck with your wedding plans
Staywithme ·
18/04/2015 11:43
Oh Ludoole, I'm crying for you. You will be told constantly to stay strong because people don't know what else to say and, in my opinion, because people don't know how to deal with your pain. You don't have to 'stay strong', because you and I know it's all fake. I still get told this and my answer is "I'm not strong, I'm breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs done, but I'm breaking inside".
Please come on here and talk when you need to. Unless people have nursed their DH/DH partner through this and witnessed the suffering they've gone through then, for the best will in the world, they will never understand. I worked as a health care worker for over twenty years and was often told that I was very good with empathy. I realise now that it was all bullshit and I had no idea what the poor families were going through. Only you know how you're feeling and you're entitled to get upset, cry, shout and fall apart. I hope you're feeling a little less distressed today. (I won't say better because there's no such thing at this stage)
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