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Bad prognosis for my mum and living abroad - suddenly hit by sadness of all the time I will never get back

(5 Posts)
somuchtosortout Wed 21-Jan-15 08:57:12

I don't know why I am posting this. I am sure it must be a very common feeling.
My mum was diagnosed with Cancer last year, just 6 months after we moved to Africa. Now when I speak on the phone I am getting the feeling that there is a slow decline happening and we are starting to run out of options.

I have been coming and going as much as possible, and probably will go over again soon and stay as long as possible.

But I am so sad at all the time that has passed that I won't get back. This was meant to be our last posting, then we would go back to the UK and settle down and have a 'normal' family life (or as close to normal as possible, as we have always been all scattered all over the world!).

Then my dear Grandad passed away last year, which means soon there will be no-one left of my English side of the family.

I feel so sad that the years have passed, and that these last precious moments have been spent travelling to and fro.

Sad that I didn't see my Grandad for a whole year and he waited so patiently for our visits. Sad that that life has just all gone and been taken away just like that.

And that when I move back, or maybe have another child, my close relatives will not be there to share it with me.

I even feel guilty contemplating another child, knowing that I should be focussing on helping my dad, knowing that my mum probably won't be here to know him or her.

Just sad, sad, sad. That's all….

Any comforting words, or anyone else want to vent out too?

ajandjjmum Wed 21-Jan-15 09:00:36

The one consolation is that presumably when you go home, you get to spend good chunks of time with your DM, rather than visit just for a couple of hours or so a week, which may be the case if you were in the UK.

Nomatter what your circumstances, losing a parent/grandparent you love is always going to break your heart. Sorry you're going through this.

lalamumto3 Wed 21-Jan-15 09:11:23

I have lived abroad and like you visited often, when I visited, as I left all of the home chores at home in the other country, I could focus totally on my visit, without the responsibility of school run, dinner, homework.
My mum also knew I was coming back to see her and tended to be able to spend a longer amount of time with her.
Sadly my mum has now died, which was after we came back, but I firmly believe that if you love someone they will know that from all of your actions, phone calls, visits etc. However I would say that the quality of the time we spent together was different, as it was punctuated with the day to day responsibilities of life.
It is tremendously sad, but I believe that if you love someone and demonstrate that, they will know that, no matter where you live.
Be kind to yourself, plan time together, but remember the phone calls, Skype etc are important too.
Don't put your life on hold, what a gift to your mum to know that new life could be coming and it may also help your dad too.
X

somuchtosortout Wed 21-Jan-15 09:18:10

Thank you, it's nice to hear some other voices, doesn't help being in this big empty house in this very quiet corner of Africa!

Vintagebeads Wed 21-Jan-15 10:09:29

I lived and still do out of the UK.
I lost my Dad to cancer 4 yrs ago and we only had 9 months from diagnosis to loosing him.
I felt torn, ,helpless and horribly guilty during his illness.
With the benefit of hindsight, I now see I was able to offer more strength for my mum who was often wore down dealing with it daily, it gave her a break.
I also spent so much good time with Dad,proper quality time and I am very grateful for that.
I am sorry your going through this, but just do what you can and look after yourself x

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