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Trying to swallow hurtful comments whilst supporting very ill family

(17 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sun 30-Nov-14 20:30:06

I have mentioned before my Dad has incurable aggressive cancer that has returned and spread.Mum is ok with stage 4 cancer that has been controlled with chemo twice and has been told it will return sooner than later.Th last 2 yrs have been hard with dh having a heart attack last nov and side efffects from meds including bad outbursts of anger.this week he is having an urgent refferal for heavy bottom bleeding for the 4 th time this yr.We hope his colonoscopy is ok but are cautious.
I dont know if it is just me but my work colleague said "we are all going to have to accept our parents will die" (he hasnt seen 2 people both going to chemo every other week) then today my manager said oh i have gout but i bet i will die of several types of cancer !! what on earth!
Even DH said last month i mustnt mention Dad dying as he wont feel guilty that he is ill..(no one asked him too).I feel so alone at times with only awful comments so far all from men.I am sure some people have no idea how hard it has all been with one thing after another.

sorry for the moan..lov to all going through shit times.

Staywithme Mon 01-Dec-14 01:52:36

I know what you mean about shitty comments. I'm afraid there is little that you can do about it. You just have to realise that people very often open their mouths without engaging their brains. If the comments are made while you are talking about you parents then I would simply say "I really don't think you thought before making that comment. Do you?"

My DH has terminal cancer and I've had to listen to all sorts of shit from people. My particular favourite hmm being "well, at least you'll always have the memories if having found your soulmate. You should really think of people like me..." She then went on to describe her unhappy marriage other man turned out to be a wanker repeatedly telling me how lucky I was compared to her. shock angry

You will never get used to the arsehole comments but will have to learn how to push them out of your mind, otherwise you'll fall out beat the shit out of with the people making them.

So sorry you're having such a horrible time. flowers

whatisforteamum Mon 01-Dec-14 07:58:13

Thank you for replying.I am so sorry your Dh is terminal.I have no idea how i would cope with a husband going through treatment.my parents live in the same town but i can walk away from the stress of it all.My main consolation is Mum reached 70 (she was 64 and told to get her affairs in order).
I used to think i was being over sensitive and sometimes i just shrug it off.TBH whatever people say can be taken the wrong way but the guy in question has said it 3 times now.I havent missed a day from work for the things going on and i have never cried at work.
Anyway everything crossed for weds that DH gets the all clear.You made me laugh out loud with your otherwise you ll beat the shit out of people.
Sending you ((HUGS))) this time of yr seems harder i hope you and your DH can enjoy some of it though.

lem73 Mon 01-Dec-14 08:04:57

Hugs to you and Staywithme.

throckenholt Mon 01-Dec-14 09:03:34

You have to step back a bit - don't take every comment someone makes as personal. You have to assume that next to none of the really have any idea about what you are dealing with. And then add on to that, that people often say stupid things when they don't know what to say, and most people don't stop to think before they open their mouths.

Cancer is just horrible in all its incarnations, and never easy to cope with - either as the patient or the relative. Just do you best and cut yourself some slack sometimes.

I hope your DH's diagnosis is something easily treatable. I think outbursts of anger are quite common with heart problems (no idea why).

Staywithme - I am sorry to read about your DH sad

whatisforteamum Mon 01-Dec-14 09:27:14

Thank you ladies i have been dealing with this a few yrs on and off just somedays peoples absolute trivia makes me want to hide away..then i remember if mum who is terminal can cope with losing Dad who is also terminal then i can too xx

throckenholt Mon 01-Dec-14 09:56:32

it just sometimes gets to you - and anything trivial someone says can really hit home.

Just deal with what you can cope with at the time, and say to hell with the rest.

Staywithme Mon 01-Dec-14 14:25:22

Thank you ladies.

I hope your DH is ok whatsforteamun. flowers

whatisforteamum Tue 02-Dec-14 07:26:39

Thank you staywithme.
How are you coping with your husbands illness and the whole emotional side of Christmas fast approaching ? Do you have plans or are you just living week for week dependant on your DHs health.
throckenholt i usually just walk away,take a deep breath and crack on with work they dont have a clue what having 3 ill loved ones is like and i wouldnt wish it on them(or anyone) at least mum and Dad are practical and have discussed their funerals and house sale.They have been amazing really xx

whatisforteamum Wed 03-Dec-14 19:22:40

GOOD NEWS DAY..DH had colonoscopy and it all looked clear and maybe blood thinners and internal piles causing blood loss.2 biopsies were taken results in 4 weeks.
Dad sees onco this fri to find out why chemo hasnt stated eventhough 4 months has passed and he did sign consent forms.

Staywithme Fri 05-Dec-14 00:42:17

That's brilliant news about your DH, I'm absolutely delighted for you. grin

That does seem like an awfully long time to wait for chemo. I hope he gets the answers he needs and they help him soon.

Regarding my DHs health. We try not to think too far ahead as we just couldn't cope. That's not to mean we're in denial, but rather that we live in the here and now, relishing every moment. He's been through chemo, radiotherapy, all kinds of meds and experimental treatment going. He spent three weeks in the hospice after an infection and just got out three weeks ago, but is currently doing very well. He has cancer in every bone, but is still mobile, much to shock of each medical professional that we meet. Since the hospice rejigged his meds, is in less pain so can get much more enjoyment out of life. We're hoping to have a lovely family Christmas as we know there's no point crying now and missing out on the good stuff. Leave the crying until my darling DH is gone because there will be plenty of time later. That's not to say I haven't broke my heart sobbing, but neither of us want to waste the time we have together now.

whatisforteamum Sat 06-Dec-14 08:52:36

staywithme
you have a brilliant attitude in living for the here and now,its how my parents get through it too.They have been together 49 yrs and Mum cant drive now.They are very practical and independent people.
I am sorry your DH has had such and awful time recently (and the family too).I had heard that hospices are amazing places.
Dad saw the onco fri who wanted to know how his chemo was going!! He pointed out it hadnt started and he gets it weds.
This is brilliant news although it is such a strong dose he wound up in hosp last time as they had to get his infection under control.This time will be phone calls only as they have 13 grandchildren and 5 of their own.
I hope your Dh remains as well as he can and you can all have a Happy christmas hospital and hospice free. x

drudgewithagrudge Sun 07-Dec-14 14:14:57

Quite early on in DH's illness I realised that the only people who's opinions were worth listening to were people who had gone through the same experience. I got far more sympathy from people when my cat died than I do now.

I'm afraid that when faced with insensitive comments I just think to myself,"I'm having my trouble now, you have yours to come."

whatisforteamum Sun 07-Dec-14 20:53:12

yes drudgewithagrudge i agree.People would ask after my husbands heart attack and possible bypass surgery but i have to try not to mention cancer as people respond or recoil with fear.
I wonder at what i have said that either of my parents could take the wrong way.I try not to listen to silly comments as people have no idea (lucky them !!).
My parents had support when mum was diagnosed but when Dad was too people stayed away.

BiscuitMillionaire Sun 07-Dec-14 21:06:08

Sorry you have such a lot on your shoulders, whatsfortea. As far as hurtful comments goes, as well as being unthinking and insensitive, I think for some people, hearing about you losing your parents makes them realise that they're going to have to face this too one day, and that makes them uncomfortable, they aren't ready to deal with it, so they'd rather block it out with stupid 'well at least' comments.

whatisforteamum Mon 08-Dec-14 16:07:11

Yes biscuit i thought that too,they cant bear the thought themselves and it seems far away so the "you have to accept you parent will die" is as much about them.They are younger so maybe they think rationalizing it it wont seem so bad.

whatisforteamum Tue 16-Dec-14 05:13:36

well first i get the "like" on FB when dad was going for chemo (he didnt get it as they had wrong combo made up so he had flush through and meds he was sent home upset) so i thought said colleague was sorry.
we have been v busy with work and havent really mentioned anything.Another girl has been crying over her relationship breakdown.The guy said he was fed up with it.when i pointed out its only been 3 weeks and she would be upset he said "lifes a bitch we are all going to die and we have to deal with it".TBH i can see why he is single!!
Part of me wishes i hadnt worked my days off to help him although double shifts = DOUBLE PAY.
on a positive note my Dh has bought me a rabbit for xmas and he finally has started to realize how ill Dad is and is talking about it.

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