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Is it weird that I don't want to tell friends about DH's diagnosis?

(7 Posts)
resipsa Thu 26-Jun-14 14:21:38

He's been diagnosed with a 5cm tumour is the sigmoid colon which the GI consultant thinks is malignant and will need both surgery and chemo.

DH and I have been battling secondary infertility for nearly 3 years. We had 3 IVF cycles between May 13 and May 14 which ended in m/cs in Dec 13 and May 14. The whole year was hard.

In 2012, I had a m/c then my mum was diagnosed with cancer then DH had an op which caused a DVT. My mum's treatment has only recently been completed.

Our dog (loved by all) died in January.

I feel that I must now be a drain and that people will start to avoid me because I never have anything good or positive to say. Negativity is very wearing if you're on the receiving end. So, I don't want to tell until I have to. Is that weird?

MerryInthechelseahotel Thu 26-Jun-14 19:01:55

resipsa so sorry for all you and your DH have been/are going through. I can't speak for your friends but most people who I am friendly with would prefer to know if there was something big I was dealing with but also there is nothing wrong with you not telling people.
I hope your DH recovers quickly thanks

Stokes Thu 26-Jun-14 19:07:03

If one of my good friends had news like that I would want to know, no matter how much other bad news they'd had. But all in your own time, focus on the two of you first.

Nospringflower Thu 26-Jun-14 19:08:12

I agree with Merry. Am sure your friends don't view you as a drain or negative but as someone who has had lots of bad things happen lately and feel empathy for you.

I know some people don't want to tell friends for other reasons which is fine but if its only because of your worries I would tell them as then they can support you both as they most likely would want to.

Sorry you ave gone through so much.

ajandjjmum Thu 26-Jun-14 19:10:32

I can understand why you're thinking this - but if it was one of your friends in the same position, what would you want them to do?

Hope your DH can start treatment soon, and that things will start looking up again for you. smile

resipsa Thu 26-Jun-14 20:51:52

Thanks for your kind words. Part of me is worried that if I start then I won't be able to stop - how bad is it, how long will he need chemo, will he get another DVT, will he become depressed, will he die soon, how much pain will there be, will I end up bringing up DD alone, what about his job, money, our future after 17 years together, what about his parents (in Australia), what about our plans to adopt (assuming you can't until prognosis solid), what about freezing sperm and further IVF (which we'd decided against). The list seems endless.

Another part of me is conscious of my own experience. When DD was born in 2011, I was, literally, staggered by the volume of well wishes, cards and presents. That was such a good, happy year. When my Dad died in 2008, my friends' (not family friends who were fantastic and maybe that's the difference) response was distinctly underwhelming and in some cases quite brutally cold. I don't want to experience that again.

ajandjjmum Fri 27-Jun-14 14:37:35

Not wishing to be harsh resipsa, but because of the differing relationships between parents and their children, I don't think they register in the same way with some people.

When my Dad died, I remember a fairly new friend saying to me a couple of months later, when I referred to it, "remind me again, when did that happen". angry There were very few people of my own age who really mentioned it. But of course, with a new baby, no-one struggles for words, and we all find it easy to gush at those little bundles!

I hope you can use this weekend to get your heads around the situation, and enjoy spending time together.

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