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DH is going to die

(79 Posts)
oopsydaisymaisy Wed 10-Oct-12 22:40:14

DH has cancer. We have been fighting it but today we decided: no more pain, the doctors have been telling us that there's no real hope, but we've tried to ignore it for so long. He will continue taking the drugs which will prolong his life, but chances are he'll have about five months to live. We're lucky- some people die in that amount of time from the diagnosis, and five months is a long time. In about three months, he will probably need extra help, but his quality of life won't suffer into around five months, when he will die- thankfully he will deteriorate quickly instead of having a painful non-life.

We don't know what to tell anyone, especially our kids, and I just need someone to hold my hand.

MrsRhettButler Wed 10-Oct-12 23:06:42

I'm not good with words but couldn't not post sad

Wishing you and your family the best 5 months you can possibly have smile

I'm so sorry to hear this xx

keepmoving Wed 10-Oct-12 23:12:46

Holding your hand. My family spent my DSis's last few months together as a family before she died of cancer. We all went on holiday together, had (short) days out by the sea and filled our memories as best we could. She died more than 14 yrs ago and I still think of those precious times. Enjoy your time together.

whiteandyelloworchid Wed 10-Oct-12 23:14:27

i am so so very sorry to hear this.

my son died shortly after he was born so we didn't get to spend much time together

i really hope oyu get to spend these months with dh as pain free and comfortable as possible and fill the time with love and laughter if possible, take lot sand lots of photos, maybe you could all put your hand prints into clay together, so you have all your hand prints/imprints together, that would be somethign lovely to keep.

think about thigs you would love to keep, maybe start a box now, so if you go anyhwhere over the next months like days outs and holidays etc, keep everything possible, ticket stubs, leaflets for legoland or whatever it is you do

if your dh is in anyway artist perhaps he could paint you a picture or model somethign out of clay or fimo

really really hope your able to enjoy this time together, and i am so so sorry
its going to be a difficult road you sound strong but i send you love and strength

oopsydaisymaisy Thu 11-Oct-12 10:56:13

I'm sorry whiteandyelloworchid. I can't imagine losing a child, I've had miscarriages but that can't be even comparable. Great idea for the box. I was thinking about doing a keepsake thing, since we found out about the disease we've been doing that- even before we knew he would die, so thankfully we have photos, but we never thought about handprints or leflets or ticket stubs.

DH isn't much of an artist, and I think the artwork which would comfort me the most are my DCs drawings. DS1(the eldest twin) is great at art, so we'll use him, and then just seeing everyone else's drawings of us as a family would be great. Thanks for the imprint idea- there's a shop nearby which does imprints of hands, as well as being able to paint pots or plates. I'm thinking of doing a 'memory plate' where we paint our names and then they can paint pictures on it. It won't look good, but it's a memory. I was also thinking about renewing our marriage vows, even though marriage in itself isn't important, it would symbolise how much I love him.

And we've planned everything. Every weekend we've decided we'll do something. This weekend we're going to London Zoo on Saturday (a gift from a relative meant we all have passes) and on Sunday we're spending our day in the large park nearby, getting icecream, taking the bikes and the dogs etc; Next weekend is going to the South Bank and London Eye, and going to a local fundraising bikeathon where the DCs will be cycling for cancer. I want everything to be filled with memories.

I still haven't told the DCs and DH doesn't know how though.

Dramajustfollowsme Thu 11-Oct-12 11:09:50

Firstly, so sorry for you all. It is heartbreaking. sad
If your dh can face it, could he write each child a letter with things he wants for them and stories about himself. My dm did this for me. I was an adult but mum gave me tips for looking after my dd, like how to get stubborn stains out of her clothes, put gloves on a string so they don't get lost. The type of thing I would have phoned her and asked about.
I love that it is handwritten. When I open the envelope I feel closer to her. She finishes the letter by saying how much she loves me and how proud of me she is.
It is one of the first things I'd save if the house was burning down, after dd. obviously!
I will treasure it for ever.
I hope you manage to capture as many wonderful memories as possible. You are all so brave.

CiderwithBuda Thu 11-Oct-12 11:17:38

I am so sorry for you all. Heartbreaking for all of you and I am sure scary for your DH.

Some other ideas I have come across as well as letters are birthday cards for significant birthdays where your DH would write what he wishes for each child at that stage.

And video messages. Lots of video footage of you all as a family. And maybe a personal message for each child. I think people worry they will forget how their loved one looked and sounded so the video recordings are so special to keep.

oopsydaisymaisy Thu 11-Oct-12 11:41:04

Thank you. Video messages and recordings- videos of us all together, DH on speaking to DCs and me individually, DH talking to all of us. We were thinking that all of us should keep a diary- for DD and DS3, maybe a written one, but for us or the DCs, a video diary maybe, and then we can share all our moments and thoughts- and DH's special moments and thoughts. I know someone who did that, ages ago, and she said it gave her courage to see her father talk to her, and tell her about his day, years after his death even.

Birthday cards are a great idea. Thankfully he shall see everyones' birthday, including mine and his, even if he lives just 2mnths. I'm so grateful we have winter babies now, he can see them turning twelve, and eight and five. I'm also grateful that he saw the twins start secondary, all the kids start primary and see some of the most important memories of his life.

Thank you for that wonderful idea for the tips and life stories Drama. I was also considering doing one of those special memory things which people open at eighteen- memories, hopes, what he's proud of, his memories of their birth/adoption or them growing up. What do I put in those? Has anyone done them?

onedev Fri 12-Oct-12 13:34:26

Have fun at London Zoo - the ideas on here all sound great & your attitude is amazing.

I'm glad your DH got to experience all those firsts you listed & it'll be a real strength to your family how you can see the positives in all of that.

Stay strong.

MrsWolowitz Fri 12-Oct-12 13:37:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiteandyelloworchid Fri 12-Oct-12 14:06:13

oposdaisy, how kind of you to offer your sympathies to me when you have so much to deal with.
the plans you have sound fab.
i agree some sort of letter from your dh to the dcs would be a wonderful thing for them to have to keep, as long as you get across the main points how much he loves them, and how proud he is off them
we need to hear that from time to time

when do you think you will tell the children?
must be a hard one to decide

Vickles Fri 12-Oct-12 14:08:55

Thinking of you and your family. Xxx

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 12-Oct-12 14:17:58

i am so, so sorry.

im not sure if this would give him and the children comfort or not, but ive always thought should i be diagnosed with anything, i would write some special letters to put away and be opened on special occasions like 18th, 21st birthdays, wedding days, etc....

im saying this but dont know if i could actually manage it.

i would also keep a video diary, and im so pleased you have lovely things planned out.

i would contact winstons wish aswell, they can help with all sorts of things, and will have people to talk to about how to break the news etc.

i am just so sorry you are in this position i truly am. ive struggled to read these 2 pages without getting emotional for you, am sure thats not what you need at all,

lastly, dont neglect your own needs, and feelings in this, i think its easy to become so focused on the family at a time like this that your own needs are easily forgotten.

i wish you much love and strength for these coming months and hope they are filled with wonderful times to make happy memories.

have a huge hug from me.


whiteandyelloworchid Fri 12-Oct-12 15:42:04

oh and how about a tree all of you could plant together?

expatinscotland Fri 12-Oct-12 15:47:22

Please cherish every day, even the bad ones.

Our 9-year-old daughter died just 7 months and 29 days after her diagnosis of acute myeloid leukaemia.

I wish we'd cherished it all more, we didn't expect her to die so quickly after she was diagnosed.

I'm sorry to read this, oops.

oopsydaisymaisy Fri 12-Oct-12 16:41:01

Thank you and sorry about your daughter expat. I can't believe I wasted the days we shared together before the diagnosis, and even a bit after, by shouting at him or being angry at him. I wish I'd known beforehand so every day would be special.

And thank you for the tree idea whiteandyelloworchid. I remember planting an apple tree when my sister died, we were both eight, and my favouite memories were when she was swinging and climbing on the trees in an orchard by our house. It was a perfect way to remember her, and because of DH's love for gardening and because his name is the name of a tree, it would be lovely. I've heard of buying bird boxes, or a patch of land where people plant trees, as gifts for birthdays. Maybe we could do that as a memory of him?

Thank you.

CountryBelle Mon 03-Dec-12 20:27:29

Holding your hand <hug> your family sounds beautiful xo

lisad123 Mon 03-Dec-12 21:06:04

Holding you hand and thinking of you xx
Have you thought about memory boxes for the children?
There are some lovely cards your dh can feel in for the children, will find link x

lisad123 Mon 03-Dec-12 21:08:32


There is loads of great stuff on their site and say it so much better than me x

lisad123 Mon 03-Dec-12 21:08:51


AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 21:12:09

I am so sorry x

pictish Mon 03-Dec-12 21:16:01

I am very sorry to read this. Much love to you all xxxxx

Greensleeves Mon 03-Dec-12 21:19:55

I am so sorry.

Am also holding your hand x

JingleBellaTheGymnast Mon 03-Dec-12 21:24:20

How absolutely awful. My dad left me a voicemail not long before he died and it got deleted, I've wished since I could hear it again so I'd second a recording of your DH.

All the very best to all of you.

MrsShrek3 Mon 03-Dec-12 21:56:23



we have walked so much of this path together, I'll still be here holding your hand.
Hugs. Sorry no clue what else to say but you know I feel for you

Imsosorryalan Mon 03-Dec-12 22:40:23

I'm lost for words. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I will be thinking of you all this Christmas.

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