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Trying to conceive with a bisexual husband

(98 Posts)
Thesquirrel Sat 31-Oct-09 11:21:10

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. He is bisexual. He goes to saunas to have s*x with other men. I have known about this for a long time and am comfortable with it. There is obviously a risk he will catch an STD so we practice safe s*x. Last year he caught syphillis, but didn't pass it on to me.

In August we decided to start TTC. He stopped going to the sauna and had STD checks - all clear. To be totally clear of HIV we need to wait 3 months before having unprotected s*x. Last week he told me he was desperate to go to the sauna and didn't think he could hold out for the full 3 months. He ended up going and now I feel completely deflated - I have been so looking forward to having a baby, and it seems like we'll never make it through the 3 months (and further months depending on how long it takes to conceive). He feels terrible and really guilty.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 31-Oct-09 11:23:37

No I haven't been in that situation as I am not a doormat.
That is not what "Marriage" is about.

MadameCastafiore Sat 31-Oct-09 11:26:24

I don;t believe he feels that bad or he would be at your feet promising never to do ot again!

How can you have a loving marriage when he sleeps with other men knowing this will scupper your chances of having a baby - that says it all - can't you see it - he is putting his urges before your happiness!

Prosecco Sat 31-Oct-09 11:27:40

Haven't been in this situation but he is being very selfish. Why can't he use protection with the people he is not committed to?

MoreCrackThanHarlem Sat 31-Oct-09 11:28:22

Ironic that you feel the need to replace the E with a *, yet you are happy for your husband to be having extra marital sex with strangers.

I can only imagine that your self esteem must be non existent to allow yourself to be devalued in this way.
My advice would be to find a man who can manage to be faithful before you ttc.
The whole 'i can't manage 3 months' is a pile of steaming crap, how can he commit to starting a family if he can't even commit to this?

RealityBites Sat 31-Oct-09 11:30:29

Message withdrawn

RealityBites Sat 31-Oct-09 11:31:51

Message withdrawn

MoreCrackThanHarlem Sat 31-Oct-09 11:33:04

And what is it with this big myth that men have sexual urges that cannot be physically controlled?

ShowOfHands Sat 31-Oct-09 11:34:05

Bisexuality does not mean infidelity.

And s*x? hmm

Thesquirrel Sat 31-Oct-09 11:34:38

Wow, you all have very extreme views.

Prosecco, he does have protected sex but there is still always a risk.

I don't see myself as a doormat. I love him and accept him for who he is. We area really happy together. By forcing him not to go to the sauna I would be trying to change him.

FangsForTheMemories Sat 31-Oct-09 11:34:58

No I've never been in this situation, but my husband knows that if he ever cheated on me (man or woman) I would have his guts for garters!!

Stop being a doormat and leave the cheating bastard. It doesn't matter if he is bisexual. If he wanted to have sex with another woman, would you allow this as well??

Please please do not bring a child into such a dysfunctional relationship.

MadameCastafiore Sat 31-Oct-09 11:35:24

ANd when the kid comes along you are going to be showing it a really fucked up ideal of what a loving COMMITTED relatinship is all about - if the child is heterosexual it will still think shagging around for purely gratuotuos reasons when he/she is in a relationship is normal.

I would divorce him and let him go and shag himself silly and catch all kinds of crap.

Oh and research what syphillis does to an unborn and the life long problems it can bring about before you think of sleeping with the excuse for a husband again!

FangsForTheMemories Sat 31-Oct-09 11:35:56

"By forcing him not to go to the sauna I would be trying to change him."

No darling, you would be forcing him to commit - which is what marriage is all about. hmm

FlamingoBingo Sat 31-Oct-09 11:36:13

OMG! Please, please don't even consider bringing a child into a relationship as dysfunctional as this! What on earth will the poor child learn about loyalty, love, stablity, fidelity?

Your DH is an arse - you don't get to sleep around and cheat on your partner just because you're bisexual angry. And I feel really sad that you have such low self esteem as to put up with it sad.

FlamingoBingo Sat 31-Oct-09 11:37:30

"Extreme views"??????

Normal views - yours is the extreme view, I'm afraid!

MoreCrackThanHarlem Sat 31-Oct-09 11:38:23

And 'who he is' is a selfish idiot. If you are happy with this then so be it, but bringing children into this situation is a no no imvho.

Can he not be 'who he is' without fucking multiple strangers in saunas? Will his bollocks explode?

EldonAve Sat 31-Oct-09 11:42:59

Welcome to MN hmm

Do you believe he always uses protection?
Why did you marry him?

Thesquirrel Sat 31-Oct-09 11:43:25

Would it be better for him to do it behind by back, like I'm sure a lot of men do to their wives?

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 31-Oct-09 11:43:39

Is it time to shout TROLL yet?
First post an' all.

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 31-Oct-09 11:44:59

It is actually better that he doesn't do it at all, that is marriage.

Thesquirrel Sat 31-Oct-09 11:48:21

Thanks, EldonAve. Yes, I believe he always uses protection - he does not want to catch anything, and the last thing he would want is to pass anything to me.

I married him because I love him and accept him for who he is. Lots of men have to live in fear of their wives leaving them if they ever found out about their true sexuality.

MadameCastafiore Sat 31-Oct-09 11:48:49

Are you really happy sitting at home knowing he is out having sex with strangers? I know it would tear me apart and completely undermine my relationship!

Sex that could put your life in danger????

And no I am sure a lot of men don't go and have sex with strangers to get their kicks, there are some that have affairs but I am sure there aren't lots who do what he is doing.

He wants his loyal little wife at home whilst he goes out and has dirty sex with guys who obviously aren't too socially responsible.

Makes me want to bath in neat Dettol!

GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar Sat 31-Oct-09 11:50:11

Being bisexual doesn't mean he has to do this.
Are you a fruit loop?

MoreCrackThanHarlem Sat 31-Oct-09 11:50:41

So to sum up, you believe your marriage is a good one because your husband tells you about his escapades with strangers in saunas?
He does not value you, cherish your relationship, and puts his dick top of his priority list, but this is acceptable as long as he is honest about it?
Wipe the mud of your face ,get up off the floor, and believe you deserve better.

EccentricaGallumbats Sat 31-Oct-09 11:50:59

Please don't have children with someone who uses his bisexuality to do whatever he likes whenever he likes it.

Hy DH has tendancies in that direction. But we've been together 14 years, have 2 children, and he has never felt the need to go and shag random strangers to fulfil his bisexual needs, because he loves me and our life together. That's what marriage and having children together should be.

Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but your H is being a selfish arse and making excuses to shag around. He is having his cake, eating it and making trifle too.

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