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I am in love with an amazing woman but am married and confused

(5 Posts)
VenetianBlinds Mon 05-Oct-09 03:20:13

I have struggled with my intense feelings and ridiculous daydreams for months and months now.
My dh and I seperated and he moved out (not because of my feelings for her although he is fully aware now) and we explored our friendship and it was beautiful,but in my cowadice I missed my oppotunity and ended up back in the relative safety of a hetero marriage.

Its too late now i think and we barely talk anymore sad but everytime I close my eyes she is there. I thought naively I was doing the best by dc by maintaining a mainstream lifestyle.

Ironically, my relationship with dh is the best its ever been yet still i feel like this.

Should I address this now or carry on with dh for the sake of dc? (not the chore im making it sound, he is a good man).

peanut45 Mon 05-Oct-09 06:49:14

hi venetianblinds,
i have just left a hetro marriage after finally admitting to myself that i am gay. It was a shock to everyone , but they have seen how much happier i am after such a short space of time, even my children are benefitting as im less stressed.
if you want to chat let me know
take care
dani x

secretme2 Wed 07-Oct-09 21:32:24

Hi to both of you...

I too came out last year,was in a hetro marriage and I have two gorgeous girls from it. I always knew I had feelings for woman,but it was quite tough, and we just seemed to exist. Our relationship(dh and mine)was just comfortable and we were good friends more than ANYTHING else!

I just realised too, that if I felt like this about a woman that I had met, it could and would happen again, and I couldnt give Dh what he deserved from a partner as its not what I wanted.

We have managed to salvage a good friendship out of it,despite all. The girls are also more relaxed and the time they spend with him now is quality time and they arent facing his back while he's on the PC!

I really hope all works out for you. If you'd like to e-mail, we could keep have a chat if you like :-) Hey I thought I was the only one last year!

x A

FlightAttendant Wed 07-Oct-09 21:43:26

Please forgive my outside perspective and if I am wrong I apologise, I am not anti-gay and my sister is happily married to another woman.

From what you describe, Venetian, it sounds as though you were not ready to be with this woman for some reason - but perhaps you can deal with the fantasy of it more happily? You're in a good relationship and I really think it might be unfair on the woman concerned and the man, to kind of mess about with things again. I really think if you wanted to be with ehr you would have gone for it when the opportunity was there.

I feel a bit sorry for her and for your DH tbh sad

I am not judging you but think you need to figure out whether the thought of her is enough, you are allowed to love more than one person, but probably not to 'be' with more than one iyswim - not without hurting everyone.

I hope this makes a little sense. Lots of people probably fantasise about other people in a happy marriage, it's Ok, you're allowed to do that!

FlightAttendant Wed 07-Oct-09 21:46:23

Sorry, that does sound patronising and admonishing - what I mean is I feel very sorry for you, as well, being so unhappy - but if it wasn't solved by being with her/apart from him, and you are still feeling unhappy now - it might suggest that this unhappiness isn't to do with either of them at all - it might just be within you, going back a long way - and whatever you do about the two people in (or out of) your life, you still need to figure out what it upsetting you first.

Unless you are happy in yourself being with someone else isn't going to make any difference, whoever they are.

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