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Lesbian step parent wanting kids

(7 Posts)
huffyhuffystompstomprahrahrah Thu 24-Sep-09 10:16:46

My partner has a 5 year old dd that she adopted with her ex-partner. She now lives with us for half the week and with her other mum for the rest of it. I have always wanted children - and wanted to give birth and be pregnant. My partner refuses to considerthis as an option for us. She can't be pregnant, but nor has she ever wanted to. She feels that a child who is biologically mine would make her daughter feel different and would also give me more 'rights' over the child. I see it as a partnership between us and an extention of our family. Is it wrong to want to experience being pregnant? Am I being selfish? I am not adverse to adopting - I have also wanted to do this. But I do want to be pregnant too. Any words fo wisdom? How can I explain it to her?

TheButterflyEffect Thu 24-Sep-09 11:33:09

Message withdrawn

JemAtTheParrotsTable Thu 24-Sep-09 11:35:09

Can't add anything to that superb post by Butterfly

TheButterflyEffect Thu 24-Sep-09 11:39:29

Message withdrawn

LeninGrad Thu 24-Sep-09 11:43:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huffyhuffystompstomprahrahrah Thu 24-Sep-09 13:36:33

Thanks for your replies!

I hadn't realised we could both go on the birth certificate - is that a new thing?

In terms of us, I am almost 30, she is a bit younger, and we have been together for almost two years but knew each other before. DSD has two very involved parents so my role is as friend and provider of hairbands and pretty things! I would never expect to have parental rights over her as it is not necessary and she doesn't need me in that way.

It has only been really recently that DP has even considered having another child - up until a couple of months ago she was very vocal about how she thought that my DSD should be 'enough' for me and that I obviously didn't love her enough therefor would treat any child we had together more favourably. It took me ages to get her to understand that living in the same house as DSD doesn't make me her parent, not does it give me any of the 'rights' or 'benefits' of being a parent. She is not my child.

But that doesn't mean that us having children would be negative for DSD. Having siblings is great!

Its all very confusing and I am not sure if I am explaining it very well. I dont want to coast along and then realise at 38/40 that my window of opportunity has passed me by. But I love my partner and I think we would be amazing parents together.

I understand the issues surrounding adoption and having biological kids as well, but I do feel that there are many more benefits than there are negatives - DSD would have a sibling, someone for ever, someone to moan about us to etc. I think that there is only so far we can go in managing the environment for our kids before life becomes impossible for other people involved. If DP wanted DSD to have the most untouched by reality life then she should have stayed with her ex - but that isn't real life! And then I wouldn't be involved with them! It swings and round abouts - does that make sense?

DP does have issues with needing to be in control all the time and I think that is where alot of this stems from. But its not that easy to point these things out - studying peoples flaws just seems cruel sometimes. And I don't want to hurt her.

hester Fri 25-Sep-09 01:07:14

Really difficult one, huffy. I'm not sure this is a problem there is a 'right' answer for: it is about gut feelings - for both of you - and how you will find a way forward on an issue where compromises are not really possible.

We have a birth child and are trying to adopt and are very aware of this might create problems for/between the children. One will have a birth mother and the other will not; one will have a father (involved donor) and the other will not. For us, we have decided to hope and believe that the positives (of having a sibling) will outweigh any negatives (they may or may not, of course). But both our children will live with us full-time, which is different from your situation.

Having a strong need to experience pregnancy and birth yourself is not selfish - and I agree with you there is a very real risk this will not go away and will be a real source of grief to you in a decade's time. On the other hand, your dp's feelings are not unreasonable, either, and she may not be able to be negotiated out of them. It may come down to whether either of you is able to be sufficiently generous to each other to give way - and to not harbour resentment in years to come. I would agree with Butterfly that you should take this seriously and seek some counselling help.

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