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Disapproving grandparents of bi-relationship - desperate for advice

(19 Posts)
vron Sun 19-Jul-09 18:32:24

Hi, am new on here but just bought the mumsnet book for toddler rearing and found it so useful thought you guys might be a source of wisdom and much needed support really.
Bit of background - am bi got pregnant by fella who I genuinely cared about and thought vice versa - not so much when he left me three months pregnant. Got together with an ex (woman) and we have been together for over a year and half with her supporting me through the pregnancy and with my son but my parents found out or decided they wanted to intervene and put so much pressure on me to end the relationship that it fell apart because I simply couldnt please everyone.
They used the child card saying I was going to hurt him and make him different from the other kids and he'd hate me for it. Nice huh? but they help me out with childcare so have me over a barrel really.
But I have never been so desperately sad as I am now. My ex and I have been split up for three months or so but the love isnt dead and we are still talking because I just dont want to be without her I just don't know how to reconcile the two worlds of my old fashioned parents whom I still dearly love and this wonderful woman who loves my child so much and has sacrificed a lot of freedom to be with me.
Its starting to affect my relationship with my son as it feels like he's the reason I cant do as I wish and i know it's not his fault really.
Extremely sad, it's not normal to cry every day is it?
Anyway sorry for essay but would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this.

Vron

LeninGrad Sun 19-Jul-09 19:28:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wigeon Sun 19-Jul-09 19:28:21

Just wanted to say welcome to Mumsnet and sorry that you are going through such a tough time at the moment.

I don't have any personal experience I can share, but I thought you might find this charity helpful - you might be able to find some useful hints and suggestions about how to speak to your parents. There's also a charity called Pink Parents and they might be able to help you show your parents that children of LGBT parents aren't necessarily any more screwed up than others!

I'm sure they'll be others here with more personal advice to share and good luck.

Wigeon Sun 19-Jul-09 19:29:29

Cross-posted!

LeninGrad Sun 19-Jul-09 19:32:14

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hester Tue 21-Jul-09 23:10:13

Hi vron, welcome to Mumsnet and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. LeninGrad is right; of course you want to preserve your relationship with your parents, but not at the cost of your own happiness and autonomy as an adult.

There is a lot of evidence now that shows that children of lesbian/gay/bisexual parents are very, very normal (almost too normal: I was kind of hoping we might produce something a bit better than the average!). I know plenty of kids of all ages with lesbian mums (including my own, obviously) and none of them hate their mothers. Yes, sometimes other children can be cruel, but not always. You do also have to weigh up the very positive impact it will have on your son for you to be in a happy relationship with someone who cares for him and can be a steady presence in his life.

Do you think it would help to get some counselling to help you plan the way forward? Have you tried ringing Lesbian and Gay Switchboard?

vron Fri 24-Jul-09 19:05:22

Hi guys, thank y so much for all your advice.
finally cranked up some east end grit to talk to my moher properly and tell her that this is right for me and I am going to be brave and say its this way and please accept it or don't but suffer the consequences.

My mother was actually pretty amazing, it has taken her months of me crying down the phone however, but finally she kind of gets it. I think she just doesnt want to be the reason I resent my son or her and so has to let me get on with things.

A lot of it is also having the courage to accept that I really love my girl and hopefully we will really be able to work things out now my parents are not my cause for concern.

I also read this really great book written by the kids of lesbian and gay parents, tehy were all different ages and had different experiences but none of them hated their parents, though a lot of the younger ones still wished they could go to disneyland, Lol. it seems the kids didnt really care that their parents were gay they were only upset by the parents who werent around or didnt appear to care.

Anyway, thank you so much and I reckon I'm gonna be on here rather a lot.

ooh another thing all the kids said was that they wished they knew other kids in the same position so that will definitely be something I will try to get involved with.

phew essay over. x

tittletat Fri 24-Jul-09 19:21:06

Hi Vron

I ahve two friends brought up by gay mothers. Neither of them have an issue with it. (Though one has an issue with his mum but that is because she is an alcoholic not a lesbian).

Where we live there are loads of same sex parents and I've neither witnessed any problems.

My boss is gay and has kids she got her mum to look at a website and that really helped (not sure which one)

tittletat Fri 24-Jul-09 19:21:07

Hi Vron

I ahve two friends brought up by gay mothers. Neither of them have an issue with it. (Though one has an issue with his mum but that is because she is an alcoholic not a lesbian).

Where we live there are loads of same sex parents and I've neither witnessed any problems.

My boss is gay and has kids she got her mum to look at a website and that really helped (not sure which one)

LeninGrad Fri 24-Jul-09 19:27:37

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Wigeon Fri 24-Jul-09 21:52:34

So glad to hear that you had a productive conversation with your mum and hope her positive attitude continues.

hester Fri 24-Jul-09 22:47:17

Good to hear back from you, vron.

Hi LeninGrad, how are you doing? Aren't you coming up to the big day?

LeninGrad Fri 24-Jul-09 22:50:24

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SolidGoldBrass Fri 24-Jul-09 22:53:55

SOmething that's important to bear in mind when you have to deal with other people's bigotry is that kids can get teased by their peers for almost anything that makes them in any way 'different' to the rest of the herd. This could be things like being the only kid with specs, or in a wheelchair, or maybe being the only kid with a different skin colour as well as things like being the only kid with a single parent or gay parents. What matters is to address the bullying, which is wrong - not to try and enforce conformity as a way of escaping it.

Best of luck and hoping you and your partner make a very happy life for yourselves and your DS.

LeninGrad Sat 25-Jul-09 04:16:26

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hester Sat 25-Jul-09 21:57:57

I'm fine, thanks LG. Just recovered from what was probably swine flu - so keeping my distance from you grin

LeninGrad Sat 25-Jul-09 22:12:12

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hester Sat 25-Jul-09 22:38:32

It was three days in bed but really ok. Of course I don't know for sure it WAS swine flu - GP said merrily, "Might be, might not be" but as it's rife in my office I'm hoping I'm one of those people who gets it mildly. (I will probably get punished for my smugness by getting it Really Badly next month.)

Glad you're all doing ok. Ooh, I'm jealous of your late pregnancy niggles - wearying though they were at the time. Looking forward to your birth announcement - do you know the sex?

LeninGrad Sat 25-Jul-09 22:41:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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