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(30 Posts)
oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 14:28:44

My partner of 4 years and I are planning on starting a family within the next year and a half. Obviously there are many questions and we are finding the answers along the way. I've read quite a lot on lesbian mommy's experiences with schools etc but was wondering if anyone could tell me what experiences they had with their family's reaction when the decision was made how things changed (for better or for worse) their relationship with family members. I hope I make sense (hmm)

mamadiva Thu 21-Aug-08 14:38:22

Hi ocean

I don't know if this is the kind of thing you are looking for but my older cousin is a lesbian and has been in a relationship for about 10 years!

When they said they were adopting a child her partners family gave them all the usual, children shouldn't be brought up in that enviroment crap and haven't spoken to her since (3years ago now), but my Aunt was totally fine about it and babysits etc like any other Granny does .

Anyway what I am trying to say is everyone will react differently and you can't be sure how anyone will do. But if you are happy and it's right for you and your partner then go for it. Sorry for rambling on

oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 15:29:06

Thank you mamadiva, I'm sure we'll get all sorts of reactions. My mum is all for it but I am worried about my partners family, they are still coming to terms with our relationship. I mostly worried about unsettling an already unsettled situation. Naturally we would like our children to know their grandparents and for them to have a good relationship with them. Guess only time will tell. Just want to prepare myself mentally for what may come. smile

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 15:42:18

hi oceanblue; my dp is expecting our first baby in Jan I worried for years about this very thing which led to a situation where we were starting to think we'd left things too late. If there's one thing it's taught me is that you can't create a perfect world, and you can't take responsibility for other people's reactions . Both dp and I only have one remaining parent now, and her mother has always been very accepting of me, and of our relationship, and is delighted that we are going to be parents. My mother has always had much more difficulty with it, and does too with the idea of our baby. But in the end, her attitude has ended up hurting her more than anyone else.

The only thing that we will not tolerate will be her making any kind of comment to our kid about his or her family not being 'proper'. But she can say what she likes to me - and frequently does! I won't deny it's been difficult but we just have to not let ourselves be undermined by it. If you look at the AIBU threads on here you will see that problems with in-laws/parents are hardly the exclusive domain of lesbian parents!!

Good luck with it - I hope it happens quickly for you both. It's a tough road to travel. Will you have the support of other members of your families? That's been hugely important to us, as well as friends.

oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 15:50:44

Hi drivingmisscrazy, thanks for that. I honestly don't mind my family not supporting us. I've not been that close to them in many years and I do have my mums support. All our friends support us 100% (and the majority are hetro). It's just my partners family that seems to be problem and she is extremely close to them. May I ask how old you and you dp are, since you said you worried you left it too late?

BeHereNow Thu 21-Aug-08 15:51:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charliegal Thu 21-Aug-08 15:54:54

Hi, my family and dp's family have both been very supportive- despite dp's family being so confused and needing detailed explanation of how I got pregnant in the first place! (Apparently never heard of donor insemination).

My family have always been fine about me being gay, so that helped them see our family as 'normal'. DP's family very straight laced, small minded etc, but have been the most fantastic gp's to ds.

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 15:55:27

well she's 38, I'm a little older, although in the end it turned out to be fine. But ideally we would have liked to have 2 which doesn't look that likely now. This wasn't just to do with worrying about reactions etc. some of it was to do with our wish to use a known donor and finding one that we were happy with took a Very Long Time Indeed. Are you using a donor? clinic?

Strange, we've had the same experience - our straight friends are beside themselves with happiness for us; our gay friends are a bit more lukewarm (perhaps because we have long disappeared from the drinking fest that seems to be the scene, TTC and alcohol not being the best of friends).

oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 15:58:55

I am so sorry drivingmisscrazy, I am so caught up in my own stuff I forgot to say. Congratulations! smile

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 16:01:42

thanks BHN - it's starting to feel real now. I felt the lo kick for the first time yesterday which was so exciting - he/she has been bouncing around for a while now, but that was the first time I felt a kick.

I'm not really too worried about my mother - she is trying her best. I think she can't quite get over her disappointment that it isn't me carrying (I'm an only child) as she thinks that genes are very very important. Fortunately I don't and actually one of the best parent-child relationships I recall from growing up was one that didn't involve shared DNA.

Think this thread is going to kick off. Cool.

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 16:03:31

no bother at all OB. It really is a wonderful thing.

oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 16:12:06

We've just started to look into clinics (after all the normal jokes of just going to a bar and you know what..) We've discussed all our options and we both agree we would prefer an unknown donor.

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 16:15:57

It's a very personal decision and there are pros and cons to both. I wish you luck!

oceanblue Thu 21-Aug-08 16:41:58

In our case we feel that it would be unfair on a known donor as we are not planning on remaining in the UK. I wish you all the best DMC. Thanks for taking the time to chat to me.

BeHereNow Thu 21-Aug-08 17:29:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

makingafamily Thu 21-Aug-08 18:53:12

Hi OB

Firstly congrats on yours and your partners desicion to start a family. (I'm gonna be a bit cheeky and cut something from another post i done which will give you an overview of our situation!!)

Me and my partner of 3 years have decided to start a family. Although we had always been adamant that we would use an anonymous donor, after alot of discussion we decided to ask our best friends who are a gay male couple. The boys jumped at the chance and we have spent the last few months together discussing things we never thought we'd discuss and pulling everything together and everything feels very at ease and so right

A few months ago we decided to tell family so had 4 sets family to deal with and have had a wide reaction from all families. My dad, cried but supportive with lots of questions, my brother, shocked followed by a mountain of questions, my mum unconditionally supportive. My DP's mother positive until she found out we had a known donor then really not very happy, but getting there now and DP's dad unconditionally supportive. Neither mine or DP's parents are still together.

With the dads to be, daddy 1 whole family amazingly supportive and really happy for us and his mum said she like a minimum of 4!! Daddy 2's only told his mum so far who hasnt really said much and is yet to tell his siblings who he thinks will have mixed reactions.

The person i was most concerned about was my brother and thought it would take him along time to take it in and accept it and he managed it in a day!!! So you really never know.

Sorry bit of an essay but good luck on your journey

and BIG conrats driving

drivingmisscrazy Thu 21-Aug-08 19:44:44

thanks, *making a family*. My comments about types of donors were genuine, I really think it depends on tons of factors and whilst couples will arrive at similar conclusions, no way of getting there will be exactly the same. And OB is absolutely right, using a KD does tie both parties down in certain ways. Depends a bit on what kind of arrangement you've arrived at.

busymum1 Fri 22-Aug-08 09:02:40

dp's mothers reaction 7 years ago was it will be no grandchild of mine, it became dd1 who as soon as she was born became grandchild number eleven no problems ever since then dd2 grandchild thirteen no problems ever. My mum was bit uncomfortable initially bit fine within 2 weeks. We never had problem with kd initially questions e.g. can I see dc or have photo, suppose curiousity gets to everybody but we were firm we had agreed no contact etc but if normally meeting in passing etc just act normally dc's do not know who kd is and that how we are happy. Dc's will be told when older if they ask or when 18 if they want to know at his request.

oceanblue Fri 22-Aug-08 09:29:11

We would actually love to use a kd and have him involved to a certain extent. DP and I both work for international companies and there is a strong possibility that one of us will get a placement outside of the UK sometime in the future. It would be heartbreaking for all parties if we used a kd and then move away. I just want to say thank you to all of you who've taken the time to comment on my question. grin

theangelshavethephonebox Fri 22-Aug-08 09:38:27

My parents and I have had a complicated relationship in the past...would take a very long post to even sum it up! - but basically though my mum wasn't very happy at the idea of my having a child once ds was born everything changed. We have a much closer and happier relationship now and she and my dad absolutely adore ds. DP's family were much more on board from the start and everything is great with them too.

BeHereNow Fri 22-Aug-08 09:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oceanblue Fri 22-Aug-08 12:12:59

We would like to each have a child and what might influence us perhaps going for a kd is that we would like our children to have the same father. Does anyone know if it is possible to select a donor from a clinic and "reserve" his sperm also for our second child?

Dottydot Fri 22-Aug-08 12:45:24

Hi Oceanblue

Not much time to respond (I'm at work!) but just to say dp and I used a known donor who plays quite an active part in dss' lives - sees them regularly, takes them out etc.

All our families have been brilliant and dss like having 3 grandads for example!

dp's family was probably the most hesitant about us trying for children, but once ds1 came along, they were sold..!

In terms of a clinic, yes you can reserve sperm at a clinic for siblings - there's an annual fee I think to store it, but friends of ours have done this.

Good luck! smile

BeHereNow Fri 22-Aug-08 15:06:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dorchies Sat 23-Aug-08 20:52:37

Hi Oceanblue,

We have a child though a clinic with annonymous donor (now traceable at 18). The sperm was imported by the clinic from USA and we have sibling sperm in storage from the same donor. We chose to have treatment through a clinic for many reasons, but the fact the donor had no legal rights or responsability over the child and cannot apply for it was really important to us. My partner has adopted our child, and this was really easy because there was no known donor.

The best advice I can give, is don't hang around because the whole process can take a long time, and the older you get, the harder it gets! If you are going to go through a clinic, get referred now and get all your blood tests done etc as it can take time and some clinics still have a shortage of donor sperm. If you want treatment on the NHS there will probably be a waiting list too.

Good luck

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