Coming out to kids

[BiMum5]

Looking for advice.
I am 50, widowed three years and in a relationship with a woman for the past year.
My eldest two are young adults. They know about my sexuality and my GF but they haven't met her, mainly because she hasn't been well for a few months, first mentally, then physically so the opportunity hasn't arisen.
My younger two are 14 and 10. They haven't met my GF, don't know about my sexuality and although they know of her, they think she's just a friend.
My difficulty is in trying to figure out how to tell the younger two. Do I tell them about my sexuality first and then introduce her? Do I introduce her as a friend first ? Or as my girlfriend from the start?
My GF has a lot of anxiety around this too. She's worried, probably irrationally that my kids might think she made me gay!
I think maybe that introducting her as a friend initially might be the way to go but she thinks this is dishonest and she doesn't want to be back in the closet. On the other hand, I think that introducing her as a friend might put less pressure on their initial relationship as there will be less pressure on them to like her and they can just get to know her in a more natural and less forced way.
We live in a small town and I don't know any lesbian couples in the area, they are all in different towns and even different countries and most I know had children through donor conception so their kids have been in a lesbian family from the start so I don't really have people to ask.

[SecretStepMum]

^So, my lady and I have been together for 4 years. Her children are all under the age of 16. She has 3. None of them know me as their mums girlfriend they know us as best friends. As much as I'd love to scream it from the rooftops that she and I are madly in love. We opted for the "friends" route. You're right in thinking it brings less pressure and her children and I have a fantastic relationship. I do however completely understand how your lady is feeling. The dishonesty does eat away at me and I'm often terrified of how they'll react once they're old enough to deal with us and realise it was based on a lie. The reason I'm comfortable with our situation is because I get to watch them grow up and see all of their mannerisms and quirks without all of the pressure our relationship might cause if we are "out" I get to hear about their day at school and do their reading with them. I'm able to play football and board games. I'm present when they scrape their knee or feel poorly. I'm someone they can depend on and that is enough for me to remain as a "friend" until we feel comfortable enough to take the next step.

I hope this helps.^

[BiMum5]

Thanks, SecretStepMum. Finding this all tougher than expected. If it were just me, I would be happy to tell everyone, the few friends that know are very accepting but my GF is excluded from most of my life as things are and I really want to include her.

[MotherOfDragonite]

What would you have done if it was a new male partner?

[SecretStepMum]

I understand. I promise you, I do. I'm in a somewhat identical situation. My missus isn't included in 99.9% of my life due to our situation which in turn means I'm not apart of hers but I have to just keep thinking of that light at the end of the tunnel. I have to be patient and understanding because it's a step she isn't ready to take yet and I respect that. Today, however, is a good day. Ask me on a difficult day and my response is a lot let positive. 😂😂

[BiMum5]

MotherofDragonite I would have introduced him as a friend, then told them he was a partner. And in a perfect world, that would be exactly what I would do here as well.
But it isn't a perfect world, unfortunately ☹️
If it were, the gender of a partner would be no more relevant than their hair colour. I have no doubt that I've raised them to be accepting of everyone so it's not that they have a problem with LGBT+ people in general. It's just that they don't know I am one!
Have chatted with my GF over the weekend and I think we are going with introducing her first. She's an expert in a sport that DS3 is learning so I'm hoping they can bond over that to start with.

[MotherOfDragonite]

It strikes me that you have two things to talk to the kids about. The first one is coming out to them! The second is your new partner.

Remember that you don't have to do both those things at the same time. You could always choose to come out first, and then think about how to introduce your partner.