Non-birth mother support

[Babybathwater]

I have a 3 month old baby with my wife - a much wanted baby who was conceived after several IVF attempts. Unfortunately my wife (the non-birth mother) is suffering from postnatal depression and is desperate to meet other non-birth mothers who might understand some of the things she is going through. I think she feels very isolated as we know very few lesbian couples with children. She tells me that I cannot possibly understand how she is feeling as I am the birth mother.

I have gone through an exceptionally difficult few months with a recent and very painful close bereavement. I am the baby’s primary caregiver and am emotionally exhausted. I simply don’t have any spare capacity to devote to my wife’s mental health as I am trying to keep my own head above water.

Despite all this, I am so incredibly happy to finally have a baby and am loving the experience of being a mum. I am finding my wife’s depression really difficult to deal with and I want to help her find some extra support (she has started counselling already).

Does anyone know of any meet-ups or resources, groups, forums, basically anything at all for non-birth mothers? I’m desperate as she insists that only other non-birth mothers could possibly understand what she is going through.

I’d be so grateful if anyone can suggest anything - we are in the London area but we’d be prepared to travel if it meant getting the support that she needs. Online resources would also be appreciated, if anyone can recommend any?

[binkyblinky]

Hi, first of all could I say congratulations to you both, it's a wonderful thing bringing a child into the world. I have three boys and my youngest is just 4 months, so I understand the exhaustion! I also have PND.

I am in a heterosexual relationship so I have no advice unfortunately regarding being a non birth mother but I imagine it would be tough.

I do have a friend who is married and has just had a second child with her wife, a little boy. My friend is the non birth mother.

I don't know how I could perhaps put you in contact though, she is an old friend from school.

I don't know Mumsnet that well, are we allowed to send messages to each other?

Please google ' talk for change' which is a self referral into lower level psychological services. They were quite speedy with me. I'm sure that she'll be able to get help that way.

Thinking of you both, I think it's amazing what you're doing! Xx

[DameSylvieKrin]

I was the non-gestational parent to our first child and then was pregnant with our second. It is different in some ways and completely not different in others. You don’t say what your wife is struggling with. I wonder if it’s the lack of a clearly defined role as the mother who wasn’t pregnant and didn’t breastfeed?
Good for you for recognising that you aren’t able to take this on yourself.

[Babybathwater]

Thanks both for your replies. Honestly I’m not 100% sure what aspect she’s struggling with, as she just keeps telling me that I wouldn’t understand. From what I can gather, it does indeed relate to lack of defined role, as she tells me that she has lots of hormones kicking in that fathers don’t have, so she doesn’t fit with them (I should add here that I don’t expect her to!).

She did a while back say that our daughter was ‘this abstract thing that had just turned up’, because her body didn’t give birth to her. I felt really devastated hearing that but she has recently made some progress and thankfully has much improved interactions with our daughter now.

Has anyone heard of any support groups that might be relevant? She really badly wants to speak to people who might understand her experience.

[DameSylvieKrin]

I’m not in the UK so unfortunately don’t know of any groups. I would look for any group for queer parents as within that there will be a lot of non-gestational parents. The only online group I know of is a Facebook group for non-gestational breastfeeding where people post other things too —I’ve also seen posts about negative feelings like you describe.
I can relate to how she feels in some ways. I had a really strong feeling of our first baby being a stranger that I assumed was because I wasn’t pregnant with her. When I had my son, however, the feeling of ‘I don’t know you’ was much stronger and went on for longer so it’s just how I react to babies. I know some people bond before they are born but I just don’t.
For me the things that helped were finding the things I was better at doing for the baby than my wife. For example, I could get her to sleep easier. The other thing that could help, that you could start today, is getting her to leave the house with the baby alone and go to places where there may be some light social interaction. Strangers who see a woman with a baby just treat her as a mum and that can help you realise that you are just a mum. It can be hard to get out and about without you if you are breastfeeding but hopefully now if the baby has had a good feed you can rely on her being ok for an hour?

[Billi77]

Have you looked up the donor conceived network? Dc network..I think they are London based and have heard v good things about them from several people who have tapped in for various reasons

[SarahAndQuack]

Hello!

I am a non-birth mum to my DD. I'd love to chat to your wife if she'd appreciate that. I don't know of any groups but I also felt quite lonely about being a non-birth mum, and can relate to how she feels a bit.