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Partner left with 11 day old baby

(10 Posts)
Hcs2275 Thu 07-Dec-17 04:36:14

Hi All,
I do so hope you can help and advise me on this forum as I am totally lost right now. I have been with my partner for 3 years. She has a 10 year old boy with her ex husband, and I have 3 boys with my previous female partner. My partner gave birth to our daughter on 17th November. A child that she had been desperate for, and if I'm honest, my feelings were not the same. I am 9 years older, my 3 boys are all at school now, and I would not have had anymore children if my partner had not wanted to.
Just to give you a bit of background, my partner is a VERY affected ACOA

loveandlifetoolbox.com/being-in-a-relationship-with-an-adult-child-of-an-alcoholic/

Hope this link helps in explaining what that does to a person in their relationships. Our relationship has been a real rollercoaster! One that I have ended many times in the first 18 months due to the way I was treated. But i kept seeing the wonderful parts of my partner, and hoping she would change.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say there has been emotional abuse. Over the last 3 years I have been punished for not earning enough money, having a wonderful loving family, having a very healthy parenting relationship with my ex, not loving her enough, constantly being tested, and my children being criticised, stupidly resulting in me changing things I do as a Mum to them. My partner never supported me with my children and always saw us as HER son and MY boys. I could never do enough! It was like she sabotaged anything that was normal and calm and healthy, by creating a HUGE row, or demanding even more from me. Something I now know to be a very common trait of an ACOA. In between these times, she was loving and affectionate and made me feel a million dollars.

Prior to the birth of our daughter, we had agreed to do combined feeding. I had done this with all my children as I am only Bio Mum to 2. It was SO important to me to be involved in every aspect of my daughters care, and my partner knew this and agreed. 3 weeks before she was born, she suddenly told me she was now going to exclusively breast feed and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. This hurt me a lot, and I tried to come to terms with it, but it caused me a lot of anxiety and arguments. SO our daughter arrived 2 weeks early and it was so special, but within 24 hours my partner took complete ownership of that little girl! She wouldn't let me do anything with her, take her for a walk, bath her, let the boys near her, and of course I just had to watch while she held her and fed her and bonded. I felt wretched. Then she took to the bed with the baby, and left me looking after the other 4 boys, the dogs etc etc etc. I felt like I didn't have a daughter, but nothing I said, and none of my tears, would make her change her behaviours.
And then a week ago, after a row about me wanting to take the baby for a walk, and not being allowed, I left the house for 4 hours, and got a text message saying she had left. Thankfully I left my boys with a friend and went home to find my house turned upside down, and an empty nursery, and my partner and baby gone!

She has returned to her old home 2 hours away that was on the market to sell. She has been in touch over the last couple of days, full of remorse, begging to come home, begging for me to be a Mum to our daughter. She is full of apologies, and apparently has had a light bulb moment and knows exactly how to fix things re her behaviour.
She has apparently told the 'friends' who came to get her, to get out of her life, and told her alcoholic and homophobic and violent parents, and her homophobic, bullying sister, that she never wants to see them again. She says she hates her home city, hates her house, and misses the noise and mess of our home with my 3 boys - all the things she moaned to me about for so long.

I am so confused right now about what to do. I do still love her, but i don't trust her, and feel that her issues are so deep rooted, that no amount of therapy is going to change things overnight.
I feel so protective of my boys. They had their sister taken from them, my partner and her son, and are very confused and angry that they never even got to say goodbye. I cannot put them at risk again.
I have put my house back together and made it my own again, and to desperately try to find something positive out of this for my boys, they decided to have their own rooms again, and we have spent time making them nice again.

Aside from my feelings for my partner, there of course is a little baby girl mixed up in all this. A baby who I have not bonded with, who I don't really know, and I am not sobbing for every minute, like I know I would be if one of my boys was taken away from me. And I cannot bare the thought of trying to be a Mum from 2 hours away. It's just not the way it was supposed to be.
I co parent with my ex partner 50/50 and we live 20 minutes apart. It's been a tough ride, but we do a great job, parent well together, and have 3 very happy and confident boys.
My head is all over the place right now, flitting between taking my partner back tomorrow, or never seeing her and my daughter again, and every other feeling and solution in between.

Please please shed a bit of light!

LoveProsecco Thu 07-Dec-17 05:44:24

Has your partner tried counselling?
The relationship sounds very unhealthy thanks

watershipdown27 Sat 06-Jan-18 07:12:57

You poor lady - what a confusing and nightmarish situation.

It is clear to me that both of you need counselling, both independently and together. I realise that you have said that no amount of therapy will change things overnight - indeed they won't - but by engaging in therapy you are most likely to change the long term outcomes for both of you. If you truly believe that being together is the best way forward for you, I would take her back on the condition that she seeks help. She needs to reset her behaviour, and learn to undo ingrained patterns, maybe through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, psychotherapy or such like.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to make the best decision for you and your family.

Helpadvicepls Sat 06-Jan-18 07:20:14

What did she do with her 10 yr old son when she ,left

Sazziepink Sat 06-Jan-18 08:06:54

So sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't want to put my children back into a toxic environment so maybe try living separately until you have tried therapy and are sure on what you want to do. Big hugs x

strugglingthroughlife Sat 06-Jan-18 09:20:31

Do you have parental rights of the baby? Sorry I may be naive but I don't know how this works legally?

I wouldn't take her back, if it were me, like you say, you can't trust her, she's robbed you of the chance to bond with the baby and isn't coparenting as you had both planned, I think you keep your home as it is now, for your boys sake, and I you want offer a relationship but not cohabitation, just be careful

ceesadu18 Mon 22-Jan-18 16:28:20

What a horrible situation for you. You can't change people - your partner will never be the person you want her to be; you will always be hurt.

The baby makes things complicated.. but would it really be so bad if you stayed separated? In a way, she's sort of forced you into it; she hasn't allowed you to be a mother to your new daughter for the first weeks of her life, who's to say it'll be any different if you let her come crawling back?

To be honest, I think you're better off with out her. You deserve peace and happiness. I don't think she will give you that in the long term.

ineedamoreadultieradult Mon 22-Jan-18 16:34:10

I certainly wouldn't be getting back with her, letting her live with you and your sons again until you have met face to face and had a proper honest talk about where you both see things going in the future, does she want you to co parent the child or does she feel this is another child 'for her side' as she seems to want to keep the children as hers and yours?

IHeartKingThistle Mon 22-Jan-18 16:38:08

She's allowed to breastfeed, she's allowed to take to bed with the baby, she's allowed to be all over the place because she's just had a baby. I know it's more complicated than that, and OP you sound lovely but I can't help feeling that a man would have got his arse handed to him over that post. Not by me, but still...

I don't know OP. She sounds very difficult to live with but I don't know if I'd want to be the person who dumps someone 11 days after having a baby. Really hope it all works out for you.

LonginesPrime Fri 02-Feb-18 16:20:49

I wouldn't want to continue a relationship like that. It sounds horrendous for all the children tied up in this.

Regardless of what happens in terms of contact with your DD, I would focus on making sure your DSs have a stable home life and limiting the opportunity your ex has to to push and pull them (and you) in every direction according to her mood.

It sounds like you've already let her dictate your relationship with your DSs more than you're comfortable with, so I would concentrate on protecting them from this toxic relationship. It's a positive thing that she has removed herself from the scene so you have the opportunity to concentrate on them.

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