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Confused about sexuality, am I bisexual?

(25 Posts)
sneakybeaky Tue 03-Apr-07 20:02:55

I have been in straight relationships ever since my teens (am now very happily married) but have also had a couple of experiences with women. I have always been aware of the fact that I am physically attracted to women too but have so far put this down to the usual experimenting when one is younger. However, in the last couple of months (going on 2 yrs now actually), my doubts about this only being a phase have become stronger. What do I do?

SenoraPostrophe Tue 03-Apr-07 20:03:35

if you're married, why does it matter?

sneakybeaky Tue 03-Apr-07 20:06:46

Fair point. Probably sounds silly but I would want to know for myself, my identity. Do I now "test the waters" so to speak to find out whether that is the case, do I keep stumm about it?

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg Tue 03-Apr-07 20:07:20

it does matter SP because its a huge part of you that is confusing and something you have to supress,

and its different to being attracted to a man, so that makes it harder when you are married because you love your husband with all your heart but theres this part of you that feels lost and hollw that a man cannot fill,

its not like your husband isnt good enough, or that you feel less for him - hes my everything - but he can never fill that gap because he isnt a woman

its hard to understand i know,

and i dont expect you to

but i understand where the OP is coming from

SenoraPostrophe Tue 03-Apr-07 20:09:39

no, I don't understand, because my sexuality is my sexuality, not my personality.

But each to their own I spose. in answer to "do I test the waters" - no.

sneakybeaky Tue 03-Apr-07 20:09:57

Thank you kittie, you pretty much nailed it. I love my dh to bits but feel somewhat lost.

hana Tue 03-Apr-07 20:10:43

you mean like have an affair?
never good

sneakybeaky Tue 03-Apr-07 20:11:43

I do believe that I fall in love with a person not a that's not really an issue at all, SP!

SenoraPostrophe Tue 03-Apr-07 20:12:31

so you're saying you need to have relationships with men and women at the same time, not either/or?

sneakybeaky Tue 03-Apr-07 20:12:54

Sorry...gotta back later though and will check on posts again.

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg Tue 03-Apr-07 20:14:16

i feel the same

ive always been bi, but met my DP very young - 15, so ive only ever been with him (and 1 incident with a woman)
its very difficult, and not something alot of people understand

you may find you have to start defending yourself against how you feel

if you want to chat you can email me

SenoraPostrophe Tue 03-Apr-07 20:14:51

but kitty said "...but there will always be this gap that dh cannot fulfil". presumably a woman couldn't fill the gap entirely either, so you'd need to have 2 on the go all the time.

KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg Tue 03-Apr-07 20:19:46

not at all, its just something i would like to experience and i feel incomplete because i have never got the oppotunity to do so,

but this isn't about me, ive offered the OP my email to contact me if she wants to talk about it privatly,

sneakybeaky Wed 04-Apr-07 09:04:59

Sorry for not getting back online last night. Ds2 was having a really bad evening and night.Must be coming down with something. Anyway, Kittie thanks for the offer I will mail you as soon as I have a moments time [smile).

sneakybeaky Fri 06-Apr-07 21:55:10

Kittie, have emailed you now! Would be lovely to hear from you soon!

morningpaper Fri 06-Apr-07 22:02:21

I really think that labels like "bisexual" are incredibly unhelpful because suddenly it is a "thing" when actually, this is always about PEOPLE.

If you said, "I think I am in love with Claire, what shall I do?" that is far different to saying "I think I am occasionally attracted to women."

So what? Is my answer really.

Are you annoyed that you didn't experiment with women before you met DH?

How would that change anything?

It's no different to wishing that you had experimented with lots of different men.

You ARE where you ARE. If you want to stay in that relationship, it will mean suppressing A LOT of urges, whether that means urges to sleep with other men or urges to sleep with other women, or urges to just get on a plane and start a new life in Barbados.

Your life choices are in your control. If you want to fantasise about women, that's fine. If you want to fantasise about men, that's fine. If you want to stay in a family unit with your partner, then don't get hung up about "discovering yourself" because there isn't anything to discover. You fell in love with your husband, and staying in love and staying married will be a lot of hard work - whether you are bisexual or straight is irrelevant at this point.

fortyplus Fri 06-Apr-07 22:22:07

I think maybe the urge to explore a gay relationship is an 'easy' option to avoid being unfaithful. You feel that there's more to life than dh and you wouldn't see it as being unfaithful if you had a relationship with a woman. He probably wouldn't see it like that.

sneakybeaky Mon 09-Apr-07 19:41:59

Kittie, are you still out there? Really hoping that you'll reply to my mail

sneakybeaky Mon 09-Apr-07 19:45:47

Calling it an "easy option" is almost an insult to all gay relationships, I think! And with regards to dh, I told him a few months into our relationship that I am attracted to women aswell and he would be absolutely fine with me exploring it. He does not consider it a threat to our marriage at all.

mosschops30 Mon 09-Apr-07 19:46:22

sneakybeaky dont know if this helps but my mums best friend left her husband and children after 22 years of marriage to live with a woman.

None of us had any idea, and she stayed out of eveyones life for a while, probably to give everyone chance to get used to it.

Now her children are quite accepting of it and she is very happy.

Just thought I'd give you a happy story

sneakybeaky Mon 09-Apr-07 19:47:40

Thank you Moss! I really appreciate that!

babybreeze Mon 18-Jun-07 22:37:28

Emotions can often create turmoil in our lives. I am newly married and madly in love with my husband, yet whilst having sex I close my eyes and imagine it is a woman exploring my body. In public I find myself often looking at womens' bodies and wanting to carress their breasts. I have never been with a woman and have never desired to do so either yet when my husband's fingers probe deep in the middle of the night, I pretend to be asleep and let myself think that it is a woman.

cathcart Mon 18-Jun-07 22:47:32

in answer to op, if you are happily married and fulfilled then stay that way! Even if it isn't just a phase you went through, you have met and fallen in love with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It could have been a woman, but it was a man.
Don't 'test the waters' - you might have a good time for one night but it is not worth your marriage.

Bigchic Thu 19-Jul-07 23:05:00


Hi, I used to feel like the person who wrote this thread. I'm not really sure if it is a sexuality thing but maybe you are not getting what you need from this relationship. You should look at your fantasies and see what it is that you want (apart from the woman thing!) What is going on in them? What does your fantasie show you? what isn't your partner giving you?
e.g. Intimacy, comfort, being cherished.

This is a dificult one because the only one who can and must answer your questions is you! (sad) Hope you are ok?

oremstango Sat 21-Jul-07 09:27:41

You are bisexual if you think you are- simple as that- no formal 'test' experience required. My situation is very similar to KittyLetteMeEatAnEasterEgg; that said, I did come out as bisexual to my immediate family in university despite being with my now husband as I felt I needed to. That identity is less core to me now that I am married but still who I am, and I wonder how/if I will broach it when my ds is older.

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