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My ds wants to be a dd.

(63 Posts)
Spidermama Tue 13-Mar-07 22:47:29

He has only just turned five but my ds is more 'girlie' than any girl I've met. He loves dresses and butterflies. He openly says he wants to be a girl. He has a picture of Marylin Monroe above his bed. He demanded a sewing machine for his 5th birthday present.

I know he's young, but he's very girlie.

I know that gender isn't as polarised as our society would have us believe and that it's a spectrum thing.

I wonder how best to care for him. I want him to be himself and I have no hang ups about whomever he turns out to be, BUT I worry for him because sad as it is society still isn't tolerant of girly boys. Esepcially during the school years.

On world book day, for example, he wanted to be a fairy god mother. He should have been a fairy god mother. He had all the kit, he would have thouroughly enjoyed it and done it brilliantly. But I gently dissuaded him as he's in reception, in a big primary school and I thought he'd be teased.

Was I right?
<< He ended up being a lacey, frilly pirate with necklaces and bangles - but he really wanted to be the godmother to his friend's Cinderella and I know he was disappointed. >>

Sorry for the ramble. This comes up quite a lot for me and I'd really like some advice about how best to let my ds be himself whilst making sure he is aware of the possible difficulties of his journey.

<< I get choked up thinking about him sometimes >>

We live in Brighton by the way, Thank God!

ScummyMummy Tue 13-Mar-07 22:51:56

He sounds lovely, Spidermama. And you sound like you are supporting him to be himself. Brilliantly. I so hope that he will have an easier journey than you fear.

ScummyMummy Tue 13-Mar-07 22:52:43

Has he experienced any teasing?

fransmom Tue 13-Mar-07 22:52:54

hi spidermama i'm sorry i don't ahve any advice for you but didn't want you to think that there wasn't anyone listening (((((hugs))))))))) hope there is someone along very shortly who knows how to help you

JanH Tue 13-Mar-07 22:53:53

I'm listening too, spidey.

He couldn't have a better mum than you, you know

misdee Tue 13-Mar-07 22:55:02

my friends little boy is very much like your boy. he is girly, likes princesses, fairies, spft toys etc etc. he carries around a princess barbie doll.

he started reception in jan, and he has now stopped bringing his barbies along, which i find very sad, but he still has them at home to play with.

i am waiting for the summer as he has some marvellous hats, and i am hoping he carries on wearing them.

ps, my friend works in brighton 2 days a week, says he will take me out and show me the clubs when peter is better, i cant w2ait!

tribpot Tue 13-Mar-07 22:57:23

I predict that your ds will be a future captain of the England rugby team, and we will all laugh ourselves stupid at his pirate outfit

But supposing that isn't the case, you are obviously doing a great job in allowing him to be his own person. It's a hard call about teasing; he obviously has a very strong sense of who he wants to be, and maybe that does need to be challenged by him doing his thing in front of his classmates. But I can equally imagine it's crucifyingly awful for you to imagine him doing that and being ridiculed.

I assume he worships Justin off Ugly Betty? Does that open up any conversations?

Spidermama Tue 13-Mar-07 22:59:43

Thanks girls. Now I'm really crying!

He has had a little bit of teasing. I've noticed when he does girly things some of the kids, his age, do stuff like laugh hysterically and nervously. Others take it in their stride completely.

The sad thing is I know it comes from the parents because I notice that the kids with the weird reactions are the ones who's dads don't believe in hugging boys for example.

At school he dresses up as princesses. His teacher told me there was a bit of teasing at first but he just lets it wash over him and carries on. I guess in some ways he's already making his choices. She said that some of the early teasers have now started wearing dresses and joining in, which is fab.

I remember a boy being beaten up for wearing Boy George type clothes when I was on the bus as a teenager. No-one helped him. We were all too scared. Afterwards I offered to take him home and help him clean up but he was too distraught. It haunts me to this day.

fransmom Tue 13-Mar-07 23:01:20

maybe the memory of that is helping you to help your boy? his teacher sounds an angel

Spidermama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:02:49

She is fransmom. She's great. Markedly different from some of his preschool teachers who were unable to conceal their horror at him dressing up in dresses. At 3 and 4 FFS!

littlelapin Tue 13-Mar-07 23:05:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tatt Tue 13-Mar-07 23:06:31

what's his dad like?

I'd let him be himself. If he gets rude comments now better than later on. If he doesn't like them he'll change, if not that's how he was meant to be.

ScummyMummy Tue 13-Mar-07 23:06:38

He sounds like a real trailblazer and very confident and resilient- how fab that he's started a princess trend.

Ceolas Tue 13-Mar-07 23:07:05

I don't think you could do better, spidermama.

I understand you wanting to protect him from negativity at school. Children can be very cruel.

Sounds like you are just letting him be himself. Who could ask for more?

Spidermama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:13:34


Tatt his dad is fab. He's a strapping 6 foot ex rugby player who's not averse to skipping around the room waving a magic wand and making daisy chains. He also makes amazing little fairy offerings for the older ones when their teeth fall out.

So he's a great big screaming pansy too, in answer to your question.

Spidermama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:16:18

Thanks so much for your support. I'll go to bed feeling a little less delicate tonight.

I'd also love to hear from some gay parents about when you first knew you were gay, how tough was your journey, and how much you think things have changed these days.

tatt Tue 13-Mar-07 23:16:43

Great. His dad is a confident man who doesn't have to fuss about his sexuality becuase he's confident. Let your son grow up the same way. Wish there were more of them.

littlelapin Tue 13-Mar-07 23:17:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

persephonesnape Tue 13-Mar-07 23:19:03

I've got one as well my ds2 is now seven. I've given up trying to dissuade him and he went to world book day as the wicked witch of the west. painted green. in a skirt and high heels and then complained bitterly the next day that he wasn't allowed to wear the heels anymore.

It's only difficult because you fear other peoples reactions - I'd like to think were a little more evolved than when you were on the bus with the boy-george-a-like (twenty years ago? )

I'd just sit him down, tell him that you love him and you're proud of him - that some people think boys can only play with boys toys, but we know that girls can play with cars and construction toys, so why shouldn't boys be allowed to play with barbies? If he wants to dress up as a princess, then thats just fine some other people might not like it and they might tease him, but thats just silly.

he'll be fine is he an only child? i have a dd who is four years older than him (worshipped big sister!) and ds1 who is 18 months older who is burly and defines macho. i think my ds2 looks up to his sister.

mamama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:29:00

He sounds lovely, Spidermama. And very lucky to have a mum like you.

I taught a boy who was just like this (he was 7). It was far harder for his parents than it was for him. Luckily, he was in a very small school with open-minded families and he was supported for being who he was.

His parents really struggled with it though, torn between wanting to encourage him to be himself and wanting to protect him. The boy really didn't care. He wore girls jeans, with pretty sparkly, pink flowers embroidered on them and had a pink Bratz lunchbox. He was a very talented ballet dancer. Every one in the class admired him for being the independent, thoughtful, caring person that he was.

I do think it is inevitable that he will be picked on - most kids are at some point and something like this makes him a relatively easy target. I don't mean to sound pessimistic... I think all you can do is prepare him. Let him know that other people may think or say certain things that may not be nice and ask him/ help him prepare for unpleasant comments. Make sure he is self-confident and comfortable with his choices.

I am sure that, with such a supportive mum, he will be ok.

mamama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:29:50

Oh, persephonesnape said it much better than I did!

littlelapin Tue 13-Mar-07 23:30:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamama Tue 13-Mar-07 23:32:21

Aaah, thank you littlelapin!

NotanOtter Tue 13-Mar-07 23:32:24

my ds (4yrs) went to a pirates and princesses party as a princess

No one blinked apart from........the adults

your ds sounds fabulous - go with it

RainbowWalker Tue 13-Mar-07 23:34:52

I've got g/b twins and as they've been growing up (until quite recently) my dd was always the stronger more dominant of the two and ds tagged along behind and shared all of her friends until he got confident enough at school to make his own friends and try the boy stuff/football etc.

Funny story - a few years ago, browsing the Avon catalogue I told my daughter if she'd like to choose a colour I'd buy her some children's nail varnish for playing with in the summer holidays.
Ds wanted to join in the conversation but was just starting to be aware that none of the other boys at school used nail varnish.
He'd had his toes painted before because he asked me to but by this point he was just tarting to think he didn't want pink.

dd picked out her favourite colour from the chart and said "write that one down Mummy, what does it say?" It was called Girlie Girl, so we wrote it on the order form.

Ds piped up "Mummy, do they do boylie boy??"

Not sure if that is slightly off topic or not, but couldn't resist sharing my story!!

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