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Daughter identifies as pansexual and wants to change name

(12 Posts)
iamdivergent Thu 30-Mar-17 14:51:02

Within the past 6mths or so, dd (12) has come out (is this the right term?) as pansexual. She uses another, gender neutral, name at school which her friends call her. She has now asked if we will ask the school to change the register to this name.

I have no issues with her sexuality but I do feel, as silly as it may seem, a bit sad about the name thing. Have told her we need to have further discussion about this but some advise/experiences would be much appreciated.

Many thanks

anniroc Mon 26-Jun-17 18:43:08

My understanding is that pansexual means that you are attracted to all genders and sexualities (straight, gay, pre/post op trans). It's not connected to personal gender identity. Perhaps she is instead expressing that she does not identify with either gender (non-binary/gender queer are I believe, related terms). She's young and experimenting with who she is, which is perfectly normal at that age. I would be tempted to be quite strict with the name thing to be honest - she can call herself what she wants, but her official name at school remains the same. When she is 16 and a school leaver, she gets to decide.

user1497888420 Mon 26-Jun-17 18:54:53

I would personally say that throughout childhood/teenage years we all go through lots of different phases and feelings about things due to our hormones.

That you're not saying what she's going through now is definitely a phase but it could be so best to use whatever name she likes informally and then when she's an adult she can change it by deed poll if that's still what she'd like to do.

Plus reassurance that you don't mind whether she's pansexual or any other type of sexuality as you love her for her and that love doesn't come with conditions about what sexuality she is.


booellesmum Mon 26-Jun-17 18:58:47

Will be back to post later!

NetflixandBill Mon 26-Jun-17 19:02:45

The school can alter the 'preferred name' to anything. This is often done for Samuels who go by Sam, or if a family circumstance means that their legal surname isn't what they want to be known as and so on. It won't affect her legal name which should appear on all of her reports, official documents and exam certificates etc. It can also be changed very simply, as all it is is a preference.

booellesmum Mon 26-Jun-17 22:47:20

My DD changed their name at school last year to a gender neutral name.
The school have been really supportive and use this name on reports and correspondence. Official certificates like gcse's etc will still have their original name on.
I also felt sad at the name me and DH had chosen no longer being used. However, the new name suits them and I now can't imagine them as anything else.
When I look back at old photos I think of the old name, but the young person I see everyday is definitely the new name.
I do not use the name I was given, I use a shortened version. My DM still calls me my given name which I really don't like. It doesn't feel like me. I view DD'S name change like that. They are deciding what suits them and how it makes them feel.
By far the most important thing is that DD feels happy and supported.
There are far worse problems they could cause us than getting used to a name change.
Wishing you and your DD all the best.

crocodilesoup Mon 26-Jun-17 22:54:30

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation, so I'm not sure where the name changing comes in? Do you know where she's hearing such terms at her age?

MisDescamisados Tue 27-Jun-17 18:28:13

Tell her when she can pay for the paperwork , she can change her name.

Also , gender neutral nomenclature makes identity fraud easier .

MisDescamisados Tue 27-Jun-17 18:32:11

"My DD had THEIR" .?

Surely a daughter , named as such , would be "her"? After all , the term "daughter" isn't gender neutral . It denotes "female child " , and surely then requires female pronouns ?


Butterymuffin Tue 27-Jun-17 18:35:03

Sometimes people ask to have gender neutral pronouns used when referring to them Mis. I find some aspects of transactivism quite worrying but I'm less bothered about referring to people in a way they are comfortable with.

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Jun-17 00:55:54

iamdivergent no words of advice but just want to wish you well. I have a 12 year old and she can be hard work at times, so parenting can be hard full stop.

Hopefully she knows sex if for when she is older so whoever she is attracted to, hopefully, it is not a pressing issue at the moment.

As far as the name goes, not sure, I'd probably stall. See if it sticks with friends first. Make sure there are no negative connotations from friends (or 'enemies') at school before changing it officially as a preference to be used at school. But I'd say any real name 'change', as opposed to to 'name use' needs to wait until she is older.

Good luck. thanks

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Jun-17 00:56:47

PS this is not 'advice' based on experience! It's just my opinion!

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