my 13 year old daughter is transgender(15 Posts)
hi all I'm new here and could really do with some advice and support my daughter is transgender she is 13 and wants to become a boy I have no problems with it and will fully support her I'm worried about others as I no how cruel this world is
I dunno, it seems to be all the rage at the moment.
I think that's really insensitive msrissoto. OP hasn't she been to seee her GP?
all the rage it's not a toy or a console it's my daughters life
She is v young. A child really.
Has she seen a councillor about the implications of this?
Talk to her about why she feels this way, let her explore her gender in whatever way feels right to her bit do not allow medication or intervention. This could lead to infertility and around 80% of trans children don't carry this on as adults. Could she be gay or just rejecting societies expectations of being female?
I am no expert but I would provide her with facts. I would avoid conflating gender with sex otherwise she can only become another version of a female - it is physically impossible for her to change from XX to xy chromosomes; have a narrower pelvis; or live through male puberty. Being male is more than a little testosterone (which she will have a some of anyway).
Not sure where you are based, but there may be other LGBT organisations closer to you who could offer support and advice to both of you. I know that the Proud Trust has a support group specifically for T young people, and they also have opportunities for parents to get together to offer support and advice.
I think the comment about it 'being all the rage' is more that maybe gender and Trans is talked about more now, I certainly think there has been a step change in awareness of the fact that some people are born in the wrong body, but that's just MHO....
I hope you find some support from a local group, being accepting and understanding as a parent will make all of the difference. Yes the world is cruel, but my mum felt the same about me being the lesbian and things have moved on. You are not alone, either of you. Good luck
I don't know what stage you're at, or what stage your child is at, but I think increasingly schools and organisations are aware of children who transition, and can offer support.
I think maybe just tell your child it's all fine? That's what most people need - just acceptance to do things and work things out. Some trans people like the language about 'becoming' the opposite sex, others don't. Some people want to transition surgically, others don't (and minors generally can't). Some people want to present entirely as the opposite gender, others don't. It's a mixture.
The only thing that occurs to me, which is probably quite minor, is that (statistically) lesbian women often identify as the opposite gender early on, so while you're supporting your child and making it clear there's no issue with them dressing however they choose, using whatever name they choose, etc., you also make sure they know you don't care who they're attracted to, either.
Oh, and in response to the previous post - many people, including many trans people, dislike the idea of 'being born in the wrong body'. You will find (if you've not found already) that the language and ideas around this are still shifting, and people have lots of different ideas about what's what.
As I understand it the majority of teenagers who identify as trans don't go on to transition (many who don't transition identify as gay/lesbian in later life). So I'd just make clear that her options are still open - including identifying as non-binary rather than as masculine or feminine. She has plenty of time to decide whether to pursue hormonal/surgical transition.
Also, make sure she's aware that women can do pretty much anything these days - the media still presents quite stereotyped gender roles, but in fact there are lots of female engineers/maths professors/army officers etc etc.
My 12yo is also going through the same. We are years down this path now and things are a lot easier to get into place now than they were when my child started.
My number one piece of advice is do not join mermaids. They are bias, unquestioning and have a very weird agenda imo. Anything besides going down the drugs and hormone route is abusive according to them and the statistics they provide are very questionable also.
You can PM me if you would like a chat op, I don't like talking about it too much on here.
My main advice to you having been through this myself with DD2, is to take it slowly. Reassure her you're supportive of whatever path she chooses, but also let her know that there is plenty of time to make decisions and move forward without rushing. Now that she's able to talk about her feelings in a supportive environment you will almost certainly find that she will be happier in herself and more free to give herself the space to think about how to move forward.
There is no rush! With my DD I found that the instant we disclosed her feelings to school/GP/psychologist we were swept up in a maelstrom of support groups, talk of hormone blockers and surgery. She's not even 12.
I declined everything and assured DD that we would move forward in her time and that delaying did not mean she wouldn't be transitioning. Only that she is very young and needed a little more time to gather her thoughts about the whole thing.
She was fine with that. If it hadn't been for Mumsnet at that time, she would have been on hormone blockers for a year now. Looking at her building her lego wearing a minecraft t shirt that just seems unthinkable.
Hope your DD is ok taffy. Hope you are OK too, as much as we ache to support them no matter what it still comes as a shock to realise they have such feelings towards themselves and their body. Not easy for any parent to know their child is feeling that way
It's good that you want to do everything you can to support your DD, taffyboo, but I'd echo the other people on here saying take it slowly.
There's a lot of pressure on girls at the moment, emphasising to them that being a girl is rubbish and being anything else (a trans boy, or non-binary) is better, so it's utterly unsurprising that so many teen girls are going down this route. But there is also a growing number of young former trans men who have realised they aren't trans, just gender nonconforming women, and have now detransitioned, which is difficult the further down the road they have gone. At 13 there's still a lot of exploring to do, without making any final decisions.
One practical thing: please do be very careful if your DD says she wants to use chest binders. They can deform the ribcage quite badly and really, really aren't recommended for children. (There is also an assumption on some websites that while using informal methods of binding breasts - bandages or tape - cause problems, commercial binders are perfectly safe, but this isn't true.)
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