Trouble with 11 year old(3 Posts)
Hallo everyone,am new to this site and I've been reading a few threads and have found it really helpful So i have a question: I have an 11 year old boy who I recently came out to. I have always had a rough hard journey coming out to him as I got different types of pressure from everyone around me. So over the Christmas holiday I unexpectedly came out to him and explained to him that my best friend that he adores is actually my girlfriend and we are in love. Well I have always taught him theres nothing wrong with being gay and being happy is all that matters and without a doubt he knew that I was happy and she loves me. What worries me is kids in school, he said to me he will not let any of his friends know as they would make fun of him. I totally understand this and know where his fears come from. I have tried to explain and tell him not to worry what others think, and I feel bad that he doesn't address it directly. Of late he's been getting into so much trouble in school, home and even the police today for swearing on the bus ride home. His behaviour and attitude has become so appalling to the point I feel hopeless. I have tried talking to him and he will make promises to change but still no change. He has also started developing an attitude with my partner and myself, but is still very loving towards her. I have thought maybe I should try connect with other LGBT families to make our circle more versatile. It doesn't help that my family is not very accepting. My friends with children are supportive, but don't necessary grasp the extra layer of complexity being a gay parent adds. I'm note quite sure what I'm trying to ask.......I suppose I would like to know if anyone has been through a similar situation and has some pearls of wisdom or advice to offer. I'd also be interested to find out about any LGBT friendly family events, groups, communities, schools anyone might recommend,and more LGBT friends would help too i think.
This may or may not be about your decision to come out to your son - it might also be about his surge of hormons and feeling the need to individuate from you as part of a normal developmental transition. It may be that he is trying to carve out an identity for himself that distances him from being labelled LGBT himself, and he is therefore behaving in a way that appears more aggressive and 'macho'. It sounds like you can still reach your son as you knew him previously and that he still is interested in gaining your approval. That is really positive. However, for some reason he can not sustain his promises or make them happen in reality. I think this might be because he is trying to negotiate different pressures in different environments. I think all you can do is continue to make him aware that you find his more troubling behaviours unwelcome and sad, and on the other hand increase the opportunities you have for strengthening the positive relationship you have with your son. So lots of time together that means you continue to be very present in his life and he continues to want and need your warmth and approval.
It might also be good to see if you can identify someone at school who he could talk to, or feel safe with, or who knows your story and concerns. He might have some anger about the changes in his perception of what his family is and may feel the need to know he has an understanding ally outside of the family.
Hope that helps xx
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