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Help I need advise

(13 Posts)
Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 09:59:16

I'm definetly gay... However I'm married to a man, I've been with for 10years 2 married. I don't feel any emotional attachment to him per se. However we have three beautiful children together. We lost our first baby at 24weeks and went on to have 3 in quick succession. I don't feel like he treats me right he always snaps and talks to me like crap. I feel stuck at the moment I think I just tried to create this family unit to hide who I really am and now I can't cope anymore I constantly feel sick I just don't know what to do. I've never had any experience of being with a woman but I know deep down I've never been into men I just felt that was the right thing to do and now I've put my self into a situation I just can't rectify, how can I ruin my children's lives by breaking up with their father, but then how can I live a life that goes against every fibre in my body. I feel utterly stuck confused emotional.... I don't have anyone to talk to as I'm so scared to admit this to anyone I know, even writing this post is petrifying

Owllady Thu 25-Feb-16 10:02:51

Please don't be scared.
Even if you take away the fact you are attracted to women, it seems you are in a marriage that is unhappy and you are unhappy yourself. Losing a baby at such a late date is such a traumatic thing to go through too.
Have you been to the GP and asked for some counselling support? I think it would do you the world of good to talk through all this with someone neutral.
You aren't going to ruin your children's lives! smile

Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 10:09:24

No I haven't I don't feel as if I could go to a gp or a counsellor about it. Taking away that I am attracted to women I am definitely in a very unhappy marriage, but I feel completely stuck. My whole world has been created with him as the centre, his the worker, he has the car, he pays the bills. Such a difficult situation to find myself in at 30. I admire women who have their life together lol I feel like I'm at a midlife crisis haha is that even plausible at this age

Owllady Thu 25-Feb-16 10:15:49

You are only thirty, you are a spring chicken. Please look into counselling for yourself, it will help you deal with everything, but it will also give you the strength to make decisions for yourself. Would you like a job for example? Can you work towards trying to get one? Would you like to learn to drive?

Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 10:22:55

Oh I can drive it's just if things ended with him I know he would take the car. Then I would end up as one of them typical benefits mums. I would absolutely love a job to be honest, I'm currently doing an Ou degree in psyc as I didn't want to achieve nothing whilst I'm a stay st home mum. But I just feel my marriage has come to an end and everything around me is going to fall apart and I've been here before and stayed with him because I'm so scared. I know what I need to do deep down but I'm petrified of the consequences of my actions and feel selfish on my family if I rip everything apart, like I feel almost as if I should stay with him because of my children and his spent so long making sure everything is in his power. I'll be left with nothing

wannabestressfree Thu 25-Feb-16 10:32:00

Well that's not true you will have three lovely children and peace. I have three boys and after my marriage broke down I thought it would be terrible. It's been the opposite. We are a unit smile

BettyBi0 Thu 25-Feb-16 10:46:49

It sounds like you are in a really hard place right now. There is lots you can do to help strengthen your position/ confidence/ decision making for the future. Counselling is a great idea. You don't have to just suddenly get up and leave your husband. Take your time and talk to a trained therapist to work out your options and ways of making the transition easiest for your children.

Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 11:57:30

Thank you for your advise ladies, I think I will consider counselling you know. It's just so hard to make such a big decision but I am far from happy in the situation I find myself in now. I love my children to pieces and I thought I could Live a lie and be ok with it but as time goes on its getting so much harder especially since I don't feel like he treats me right

Owllady Thu 25-Feb-16 13:18:04

Which is normal smile but the previous poster is right, you need to start putting a plan in place so you have more confidence. It's great you are doing an ou degree! What are your plans for when you finish?

Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 13:22:14

I'm not really sure I just know I want to work and the ou degree is something which keeps my mind going whilst I'm a stay at home mum. I think I do need to start picking my life up and getting things for myself it's just so difficult to do that when for the past 10 years it's almost as if a mans been in charge of my life as he does everything and pays for everything etc... So if I did decide we were to brake up which I think is the only way forward for me, I'm left with nothing except being a single mum with no other choice than going on benefits. I suppose I might feel different when all 3 children are at school as I would know I could work myself

Owllady Thu 25-Feb-16 13:36:26

Purple, you have more choice than being a single mum on benefits!
Get on with your degree and please enquire about counselling and maybe look at getting some careers advice too, so you have a longer term plan. He is not in charge of, you are

Purplelisa Thu 25-Feb-16 13:59:31

I think I do need to seek some counselling, even talking on here has been s great help in making me realise that I don't need to rely on him anymore. I do need to get my life in order and get myself together if I am to move on from this marriage. I just couldn't stand the thought of being single mum on benefits, although I try not to judge others we all know the stigma that comes with that Label lol

Owllady Thu 25-Feb-16 15:33:12

It is better than being in an unhappy marriage where you are spoken to and treated like a second class citizen smile

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