Gay Parent Guilt?(9 Posts)
I adore being a Mum (mostly!) My DW and I are in a very happy loving and stable marriage and our DC (DD 9, twin DS 7) are happy, bright, cheeky kids. However, I am really in turmoil and desperately want to know how you cope with (or do you encounter) hetro parents being difficult? This all stemmed from our DD wanting a friend to come over. It was all sorted until we had a Mothers Day tea at my DC school on Thursday which my DW and I attended, usually my DW just does the School run. Our DD came home from school the day after and said that her friends Mum wouldn't let him come over because his Mum 'had to go somewhere' I may be reading too much into it, but we live in quite a rural part of Mid Wales and all the parents at our DC school seem to have quite a (trying to find the words) um 'traditional' outlook. We don't want to be welcomed into what my DW calls the 'Playground Mafia' or to be the centre of attention and for the other parents to be all 'ooh ooh ooh I want to be friends with the Queer Parents' We just don't want our DC to have to 'pay' for their same sex parents. I have spoken to my DW about this and she rightly points out that our DC have never mentioned they've been teased or anything about having 2 Mums. DW's attitude is 'Meh, fuck em' AND I would love to think that, but I am wracked with guilt that our DC will be ostracised because they have gay parents. Gah even as I write that I can't believe I am writing that in 2015! Then I start asking myself, is this just my problem? I mean I believe I am utterly fab and comfortable with being a very out gay woman, but maybe part of me is still what, afraid? Who knows? OMG help me PLEASE! Any advice/experience at all. Thank you xxx
I don't have direct experience but it is entirely possible that your DD's friend's mum does have to go out and therefore the arrangement doesn't suit. You seem to think it has been cancelled because she became aware of your sexuality, is this the first time she would have become aware of it (you refer to yourself as out and proud so surely by 4 years into school DD 's friends have clocked that she has two mums?). Sadly, however, it could be narrow minded bigotry at hand. I sincerely hope it isn't though. How sad to think that this could still be the case in 2015.
Probably shouldn't respond as have no advice or experience but just wanted to say if I were you I would take the reason given for cancelling to be the real reason. It probably is. You can reinvite the child another time. If the woman is homophobic then that is her problem but you don't have any reason to think she is yet. Try not to be paranoid.
I really probably am being totally oversensitive. I love that you guys have issued the prescription of chillpill, I totally needed that as I was getting hyper-sonic with guilt/stress/guilt! I am going to take the advice and invite over Easter hols and see what happens. I am hoping it'll be fine and I'll feel like a total pillock, a very relieved pillock though lol. Thank you x
Just in case you're interested guys, I invited DD's friend over the next weekend and we baked cookies ... we haven't been able to get rid of him since! Thanks for your good sense input x
I don't feel guilty but sometimes get sick of the continual coming out to folk! We have 2 primary age children. DD has a lovely, newish best friend in her year. Mother has seen both mums doing school run, children talk about mummy and mumma, most of her class has been here for tea and parties. So we are as out as it comes. New friend is v religious family goes to 'church' equivalent daily, wears her religions clothing etc. how nice we thought that even though their religion is basically homophobic that they accept their daughters friendship. So we invited her for tea. Her mum collected and I made small talk in the hall while my DP rounded up the kids. Her mum says how nice it is that sisters can live together and get on and help each other with the children. Hmmm awkward silence.
I made a cheery oh she's my girlfriend not my sister as they shuffled out of the door.
Mum doesn't meet my eye now and the tea invitation has not been returned.
kathryn that sucks! I was really hoping you were going to give us a happy ending.
Well my story isn't exactly the same, as I had my dd with my ex bf. Identify as 90% gay now and my gf (fiancee ) dd and I all live together. We moved area at the end of last year and so dd had to change school. I was really concerned that she might be bullied for her mum having a gf, but so far it seems as though the subject has only been met with intrigue. Her best friend also comes from a religious background (christian) but they're also very kind, so don't appear to have a problem with it. Having said that, in the beginning , I would get really paranoid if a play date was cancelled etc, but it turned out, it was just life! Not prejudice. I'm not saying I don't still feel worried about her being teased in the future, but being pleasantly surprised like that can do wonders for restoring your faith.
How are things going now op? I notice this thread was started a while a go.
Totally agree stereotype - although my DC are younger, it has always been met with intrigue and curiosity rather than anything else. Well to my face, anyway. I always assume though if DP and I are together that we wouldn't need to come out as such - but after reading kathryng's post I'm now going to always be wondering if people think we're sisters
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