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Support for Mums in straight relationships who may be gay or bi

(30 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Wed 28-May-14 09:09:59

Hi, I have another thread where I have explained that I am married with 3DC. Although I love my DH I have recently come to the realisation that I still like women very much.
I say still as I used to date women before him. I am very confused at the moment and am trying to work out whether I am bi or gay..

I feel like I maybe went in to denial about my sexuality and tried to live a more conventional life due to disapproval from my (toxic) parents.

Anyway, just wanted to start this thread in the hope that there are others in same or similar situations.

SuddenRealisation Wed 28-May-14 12:44:55

Bump

saturnine Wed 28-May-14 19:45:46

We spoke on your other thread op, you still seem quite troubled by it all did you speak to your husband at all? Hope your ok

SuddenRealisation Thu 29-May-14 12:20:05

Hi! Yes, it's playing on my mind. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding things bit at the same time I don't know how to speak to him about it, or whether I even should.

SuddenRealisation Thu 29-May-14 13:24:00

but*

saturnine Thu 29-May-14 20:06:12

I know it's really difficult and ultimately only you can decide, did you have any luck on shybi? Ive found the relationship forum here can be quite hard on this subject, too many affected by the other side

SuddenRealisation Fri 30-May-14 00:15:45

I see what you mean.. Maybe I'll give shybi another go.. Didn't get many responses but I could try posting in a new section smile

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal Fri 30-May-14 14:06:50

Hi OP, pleased to see your thread here, I've been searching the Internet and mumsnet trying to find people talking about this.

I'm about 9 months on from you I reckon, after a month of hiding it I told DH how I feel - it wasn't really a surprise to him as I have always identified as bisexual, but I hadn't felt any desire for a woman for years and felt very settled and happy. I still am, I love DH and DD and our family but I feel desperately sad at the thought i'll never be with a woman again. We actually had a massive heart to heart and realised that for us, we would be quite happy with an open relationship. Neither of us have acted on this yet, but it helped enormously to know that I wasn't trapped.

In my case - it was all fuelled by an overwhelming crush for another woman that came out of nowhere. I've been waiting for it to settle, stopped seeing the woman, hoped the feelings would disappear but they haven't yet. As far as I know she's straight and happy. We are both keen to be better friends, but busy lifestyles have meant we haven't really met up. There is a slim possibility she actually likes me, we both light up and are so pleased to see each other whenever we meet, even though we haven't actually spoken that many times. She hugs me and tries to stay close, but I've been pulling away in case she thinks i'm a pervert - it's also very tricky because I want to be her friend, but i'm also desperate to ask her out for a drink and if I do that I might end up propositioning her and nice girls don't do open relationships/just sex do they?

Sometimes, however, I do look at DH and I wonder if we are together because we are best friends... I was so desperate for children and now I don't want any more I worry that I only chose to be with men for their biological and feelings of fitting into society.

Happy to PM with you if are worried about talking publicly, I think it's really important that you are honest with your DH about how you feel, feeling as if your sexuality is changing, and falling in love with probably straight woman is a mind fuck enough in itself, without battling with feelings of guilt towards lying to your husband. You may find he's much more accepting than you think.

SuddenRealisation Sat 31-May-14 00:36:46

Hi WhyBe, thanks for sharing your experience with me smile

I guess the part I'm struggling with is telling him exactly how I feel. I just don't want to make him feel bad.

I also wonder if the shame I felt lead me to a more conventional life. We got engaged after 3 months and were married 2 years later.

I now feel like I rushed a bit as I didn't want to admit to the feelings I had inside of me. Wanted to block that person out and start anew.

I do love my DH, there's no doubt about that, I love him massive amounts. Sometimes I feel sexy towards him and fancy a bit of a cuddle/kiss etc.. I really would mostly be happy sticking at that though. Although I really enjoy the closeness of sex, I find myself wishing it to be over relatively quickly. I find that quite sad, both for him and me.

I can tell he feels unattractive sometimes as I'm not interested very often and I try my best to boost his confidence with compliments and hugs etc.

I get the trapped feeling, hard to know where these feelings originate though. Do I just feel trapped in general or is it specifically to do with liking women.

I have a certain type of woman I like, usually I find that if I fancy a woman, she turns our to be bi or gay, I think I somehow sense that..

Whenever I see gay women chatting on tv, I feel like I identify and that I am one of them iyswim?

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal Sat 31-May-14 13:45:26

Ok, maybe for you the best idea is to give it more time - maybe read a bit more about how you feel? I've had a book recommend to me which is called married women who love women. I haven't read it yet but am going to heres the link

I absolutely understand about the sex thing - I disengage part way through. i don't know the answers, but I know I don't want to hurt him. I can imagine you not talking to your DH if you're not sure about how you feel. I've heard that some people introduce the idea as a fantasy to their husbands to see if they like the idea of bisexuality or not. Not sure how you feel about that?

I feel a fraud or a failure as a gay or bi woman really, so I struggle to identify with others because I feel a little like i've let the team down by siding for the conventional IYKWIM. I used to have a good sense of people I fancy liking me, trouble is so many women have close friendships it can be hard to tell (and makes me feel like a perv when doing that thing of sharing changing rooms, doing up each others dresses etc. Of course I want to do these things, but not if it makes me feel like i'm abusing the situation!).

I mean - really, sometimes you have to just sit back and see that the whole situation is pretty ridiculous! I know that I really want to have a sexual relationship with a woman, but i'm not sure if I want to tear everything else apart for it yet. I'd like to have it all, but after a lot of time on the relationships board I'm aware that has heartache too.

Sorry not to have the answers, only sympathy.

SuddenRealisation Sat 31-May-14 19:36:31

WhyBe - yes that's it, I also feel like I disengage part way through..

I also feel like a bit of a fraud, like I've gone over to the other side. It's especially strange as I basically was a lesbian. I was in a lesbian relationship for over 2 years and went out to gay bars and clubs and identified as one in many ways.

Then I don't know what happened, my parents, other people, I felt pressure to conform, to get married and have kids. I wanted my parents to look at me without that suspicious/disapproving look in their eye. They didn't know I was with a woman because I never said it, but they strongly suspected it.
My girlfriend was quite butch. Well, I would say soft butch, short hair and skater type dress sense.

I also feel like it would affect everything else too much now for me to go down the path of somehow being with a woman. I don't think I want a one night stand or anything like that.

I keep visualising myself in a relationship with a woman, just living normal life but as a lesbian. But then I think, my DH is my best friend, we get on so well, why would I throw that friendship away? I don't want to be rid of my DH.. I like spending my time with him and we have so much in common.

I think the problem is that my brain is uncomfortable with the fact that I'm at the very least bi if not gay but my life doesn't reflect that. It means that, although I am happy in many ways, and with many aspects of my life, I don't feel I am being 100% me..

Sorry to babble on, I don't expect any solutions. Just good to talk about it.

SuddenRealisation Tue 03-Jun-14 23:36:43

Is there really no one else in this position? I feel I'm starting to go back in to denial again... Urgh

Fatmanbuttsam Thu 05-Jun-14 13:23:23

Hi SB

Not quite in your position but was somewhere similar. I was married to exhb for over 15 years and had children and being with anyone else never entered my head. The relationship was EA and I lost myself in all that and stayed with a liar and a cheat far longer than I should have.
Finally I left with the children. After spending time by myself and learning about me (was with ex from the age of 19) I realised that I was gay and most likely had been in denial due to a conventional upbringing. Exhb was probably the one man I loved totally and I guess I choose badly as he really damaged me.
Fast forward a number of years and I have been with my partner (female) for a few years, we got engaged recently and the children are really happy for us
PM me if you want to chat

SuddenRealisation Thu 12-Jun-14 18:26:39

Thanks for sharing your story Fat, glad you have found a happier life nowsmile
I may pm you sometime..

triffid Sat 21-Jun-14 07:58:19

Sudden really, really get where you're coming from. I'm married, 3 DC, but before that I identified as lesbian, had one long term (5 years, cohabiting etc) relationship with a woman and several shorter ones.

So much of this thread resonates with me! At a point where I'm really feeling I need to talk about this one.

Its just bloody hard at times, isn't it? I've done the whole coming out thing, and I feel like I'm shoved back in a much bigger closet than before now. I guess I feel pretty isolated. DP knows the basics and technically we have an open relationship which is yay but honestly I don't know how well he'd really cope.

Part of me thinks, well, this is what humans do. After a long time in a relationship, any relationship, they do start casting around a bit. This is no different and I'm not asking for special treatment because I'm missing sex with someone of the same gender as me. That would be crap. I think I just want to talk and acknowledge these feelings.

Is this really all of us there are? I'd love a support thread for those of us who aren't really wanting to leave their partners, but just want to try to process how we're feeling about all this. I need me the courage to get to my local bi support group.

I cannot frigging believe, btw, that I am back here, 20 years after undergoing the agony of coming out.

(oh in case its not obvious-I've namechanged for this, I am a regular poster but loads of people irl know my handle)

SuddenRealisation Sat 05-Jul-14 12:26:25

Hey triff,

I too feel like I came out (well, to everyone but my parents) and now no one in my current life really knows about that.
Well, my dh knows about my past and my bros and sils but not my new ils.. It's not talked about anymore, like it never happened. I feel like it's a shameful secret.

Things are hard at the moment, I've been doing a lot of thinking. We haven't had sex for about 2 months, maybe longer. I can bring myself to want to now I have realised all this stuff I had hidden away.
So he must know something is up.
I keep going round in circles in my head, sometimes I just feel i've made a big mess of it all and it's beyond repair. Feel like I don't want to be here anymore. But that's not a solution, got the DC to think ofsad

SuddenRealisation Thu 10-Jul-14 14:03:34

I've contacted a local counsellor.. Can't afford many sessions but I have to talk about this to someone.

SuddenRealisation Sun 13-Jul-14 09:51:10

My dh suspected something was up so I ended up telling him why I'm am going to see the counsellor.
He was shocked then wondering what the hell we're gonna do, then sad thinking about our DC.
He calmed down and said he loves me and hopes we can work something out.
I've said we'll see how I get on with the counsellor etc and take this one step at a time. I said maybe we can find a solution that works for us..
This is mega hard but I'm hoping we can remain kind to one another and just make the DC our priority..

SuddenRealisation Thu 17-Jul-14 20:51:30

Where did everyone go?

20somethingnomore Sat 19-Jul-14 20:06:31

A bit late to the thread and actually my story isn't that similar to yours, but I certainly understand your torment.

I was with my ex DP for nearly 10 years (have a DD together) and I actually identified as a straight woman, who occasionally had crushes/fantasies about other women, but nothing major and tbh, I assumed most women felt the same, so I didn't really question my sexuality as such....if that makes sense hmm

Anyway, a few years a go, I realised that my feelings for the same sex was changing and quite rapidly. I suddenly started noticing women in a completely different way and it was getting impossible to ignore. To cut a long (and I mean long) story short, me and my ex were never really right for one another and we just weren't compatible, so we split up. I had met a women shortly before and I realised that I was falling in love with her and so it pushed me to leave my ex. I didn't have an affair, although you could argue it was an emotional one. Me and my gf have been together for a couple of years now and although it can be tough at times, because of the occasional bigoted fuckwit, we're very happy and my DD loves her to pieces.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know what I identify as now. I am much more compatible sexually with a woman, but then maybe it's this woman and not just women generally iyswim. If I had to label myself, I guess I'd say I was bi, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

As I said, my situation isn't the same as yours exactly, but I do understand what it feels like to be confused about your sexuality and when you have DC's, it makes things much more complicated.

How are things now?

20somethingnomore Sat 19-Jul-14 20:17:05

Sorry OP, I hadn't actually read all the thread before posting.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this low. You definitely need to pursue the counseling. I have battled depression since I was 12 and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Do you have other things going on which could be triggering these thoughts and feelings?

troyandabedintheafternoon Sat 19-Jul-14 20:22:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

20somethingnomore Sun 20-Jul-14 08:49:06

That's interesting Troy.

The more time goes on, the more I feel like actually, being bisexual and it can mess with your head. For example, when I was with a man, I could picture myself with a woman, but not in a relationship, but now I am in a relationship with a woman, I can't really picture myself in a relationship with a man. Although I can still picture the sexual side of a straight relationship. I don't miss being with a man in that way, but there are things going do miss, which sometimes really get in the way of my current relationship. I hate to admit it, but I miss feeling physically safe like I did with a man and I miss not needing to worry what people thought of our relationship. There was never any hassle and unfortunately, me and my girlfriend get a fair amount of unwanted attention and I resent that.

So basically, it can be very confusing as the dynamics are so different. I will always miss aspects of which ever relationship I'm not in. Having said that, I have never had feelings for anyone else like I have for my girlfriend and I can't ever see that changing

Sorry, I'm babbling now

Hope you're ok op

20somethingnomore Sun 20-Jul-14 08:53:50

*being bisexual is difficult and it can mess with your head

*but there are things that I do miss

Sorry for the typos

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal Sun 20-Jul-14 08:54:28

Hello everyone! Forgot about this thread, good to see more of us about.

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