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Advice from gay mums for future gay mums

(5 Posts)
landsxo Mon 03-Feb-14 21:50:02

This is my first post so apologies if any acronyms are wrong!

My partner and I are both 22 with good incomes and next year we are buying a house. This has led onto the discussion of children (yes I know we are young, but that is another subject entirely). DP has always said she never wants children (although I think this was more feeling too young to seriously think about it), however recently she has come around to the idea. I have spent my whole life dreaming of having a baby. I am due for a promotion this summer and DP has said if I get it we can start trying for a baby in 2 years, once we have settled into the house, got married etc. However I like to plan and know exactly when and how things are going to happen. So my first question is how soon should you start looking for a clinic, donor, doing tests etc before TTC? I know you can't put a time line on the actual conception but I haven't found a lot planning everything up to that point.

Am I getting ahead of myself thinking about these details now? Also do people recommend home insemination or clinic? Money isn't the issue, I am wondering more about comfort/ease of procedure/point of view of non birth mother. We already know we don't want to personally find a donor so it would have to go through a bank either way.

Sorry about the long post but I would love to hear people's stories to put me at ease!

AmIatwat Mon 03-Feb-14 22:50:40

Well ,let me first explain that I'm straight, however at 36 found myself desperately wanting a baby and no partner on the horizon( a few miscarriages etc) I went to a fertility clinic and was accepted for treatment, I had IVF x2 due to losing a tune and one blocked. £8,000 later, due to having two goes at it, full cycles, I have a lovely child all by myself.I also have a loving and supportive network of family and friends.
I'd use a clinic for a number of reasons. If you have a private arrangement you are involving people who may or may not want to be a part of your child's life. Furthermore, the child will always want to find daddy, and may have romantic ideals about this person
You will be tested for STD's questions asked and references required, in order to meet the criteria for suitability. I don't think you have any issues there; good income; stable relationship.
Inbox me with details of where you live and I might be able to advise. Sadly you will not get free treatment on the NHS because of your sexuality. Myself being single did not qualify either.

Nucky Wed 05-Feb-14 18:12:59

From my experience, it only takes two months from first appointment at a clinic to having completed the tests and then you are ready to start trying to conceive by donor iui. If any problems are shown up on the tests and if you need ivf or any fertility drugs then this timespan will differ. You don't need to look at donors until you are ready to TTC (if you are using an clinic). Spermbank donors are regularly updated, added to or removed so there isn't really any preparation you can do before hand. I think that once you've had initial tests (bloods, tubes etc) you are advised to start trying within 6months - just to ensure the test results are up to date. The only planning you can do before you pick a clinic (or decide to do home insemination) is to ensure you and your partner are emotionally ready. Stonewall have a good leaflet (available online) on the different ways to get pregnant, including support lines etc. Might be worth taking a look at that, if you haven't already. Just make sure and your partner are aware of the legal implications for the different ways of getting pregnant. For example, if you aren't married but you conceive in a clinic, your partner can be named as a legal parent (and that stands from date of conception). If you get pregnant elsewhere and are not married, you'll need to pay out legal fees to get make your partner the legal parent.

I'm currently pregnant and in a same sex relationship and I've experience of two clinics in London. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

MrsSquirrel Fri 07-Feb-14 10:56:16

I would suggest you get in touch with the Donor Conception Network. They are very helpful and very positive about lesbians ttc.

They are having a big meeting in London in April. It's an amazingly supportive experience, if you are able to make it.

lands14 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:39:24

Thanks everyone for your replies! I feel a bit better knowing that it is not as complicated as I previously imagined it would be. I will have a look into all the suggested links etc, and hopefully when the time comes I will be fully clued up!

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