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Any Late Bloomers out there?

(54 Posts)
Bossybritches22 Tue 11-Oct-11 10:44:20

Just wondering if there are any other women on MN who have come out of the closet in later life, with all it's particular challenges?

rookery Tue 11-Oct-11 11:00:19

yep. Still not out to everyone, still amicably living with h - not divorced but we're talking about it and we've been in separate rooms for 3 yrs. We're slowly working out how we do this - do we continue to share house & coparent while dc are still at home? Would it be better to get separate houses (even if it's affordable) or unnecessarily disruptive if the home is fairly harmonious? So many other questions...

I do feel pretty isolated though - don't know anyone else in similar position - so it would be great to talk to other women on MN about this.

Bossybritches22 Tue 11-Oct-11 11:17:01

Hi rookery.

Good for you for taking it slowly, my one regret with my coming out was the fact that it was such an "omigoddI'mnotmadjustgaywemustgetdivorced"

My poor DH was So shell-shocked & upset as was I, we knew things weren't right for many years but he put his head in the sand whilst I tried to sort it out. He deserved to have a wife/partner who cold truly love him the way he deserves, I couldn't & he was SO angry with me.

I didn't have a clue I was gay. Not.A.Clue. When I eventually realised it made a whole lot of sense of me previous failed relationships.

3 years on he is still angry with me, but we are civil for the DD's & he does speak, albeit only about them. We have an inkling he has a bit of fun somewhere which is great as he always was better tempered when he was getting it regularly!!!

rookery Tue 11-Oct-11 11:25:11

I definitely knew I was gay but thought I could ignore it. Nope. Turned me into practically suicidal crazy lady. Much, much better now. Our situation is pretty unusual in that when I came out to DH he also came out to me... Only downside? Because we get along well there isn't a huge incentive to shake things up domestically. There's been lots of turbulence in our families over the past couple of years including relocation, illness and major bereavement, but now things are calmer I'm readying myself to get out there dating. I have NEVER dated. Never ever. Met dh when I was at uni and got married young. I am v nervous but longing to meet some lovely women after years of angst and torment smile

pollyblue Wed 12-Oct-11 17:51:58

I'm in a similar situation to rookery, which is reassuring!

Bossybritches22 Thu 13-Oct-11 09:27:59

Hi ladies-yes PB there are more of us out there than you would think!

Having a frantic week will pop back in asap to catch up,just wanted to pass through.

Off for Dads 80th this w/e.......difficult relationship but have to mark the day. He may be an uncomminicative arse but he's the only Dad I've got!!! grin

rookery Thu 13-Oct-11 10:17:00

Will keep an eye on the thread because most LGB threads/groups seem to be for women who've had their babies while with a female partner. it's just lovely to know there are others out there and I'm really keen to be in touch with others in similar positionsmile

pollyblue Thu 13-Oct-11 13:41:35

Yes that's a good point, there's a fair bit of support in terms of threads/groups for women starting a family with a woman, which is great, but not a lot written about or for gay women who've had a family with a male partner. Is it really that unusual?!

Bossybritches22 Tue 18-Oct-11 11:46:26

Not as unusual Pb as you'd think, as I found out to my relief.

A bloody difficult situation & some people, whether life long lesbians (LLLs) as well as straights can be very unkind. However most folk I've come across are very supportive & understanding.

I found this site to be a great help, although it is American so the issues can be very different they are a nice bunch & I've made some good friends through it.

http://www.askjoanne.net/

notjustme Tue 18-Oct-11 16:00:45

Well I can't really speak for her, but DP didn't come out until about 2 years before I met her, when she was 32, and had already had two children with men (8 years apart, different dads). We've been together 9 years smile

There's not a lot of support out there for LGBT families where children were born as part of a straight relationship, and if you add our complexities to it, even less! (16 years age gap between me and DP).

Bossybritches22 Tue 18-Oct-11 21:24:54

Hi NJM!

No you're right there isn't much support as people don't " get" it & think we're either "playing at being gay" to get out of an unhappy relationship, or bring repressed gays sqashing our natural desires "playing straight" & getting married.

If you then factor in being in the wilds of the English countryside then it's even more isolating!

Congrats on the 9 years!

outyougo Sun 23-Oct-11 17:40:32

My situation is a bit different because I'm bisexual.

I had relationships with men and women before I met DH but nothing longer than a few months and I wasn't out to my family. I'm still not, there doesn't seem much point.

I met DH 12 years ago and thought he was 'the one' and in many ways I still do. He knows I dated women before but we never talk about it, I think he might think I am a 'lesbian until graduation' or was just fooling about, I was young. I don't want to talk about it because I think its a bit rude. I wouldn't like it if he came home one day and said " I know your not blonde but I used to date a lot of blondes and since we've been together I've had a few blonde crushes and sometimes fantasize about blondes, sometimes when I meet a blonde I wonder what my life would have turned out like if married her instead of you". Its just awkward to mention it without sounding like I'm going to cheat and I'm asking for permission.

I'm not one of those women who thinks it doesn't count if its a woman. You can't shag someone and then the next day call it something else. I don't think I will ever cheat, I'm just not the type, but that does leave me thinking that 1998 was the last time I was with a woman and it breaks my heart (Maybe not my heart exactly but ykwim).

Sometimes I think I had to pick a gender and go with it and I picked men (or man at least) because I could have a conventional life, I could have dcs, I wouldn't have to explain myself over and over. I hope I didn't, I hope I picked DH because he is wonderful and kind and funny and sexy. We do have a good sex life but it is different and that is the problem I face.

I want to be with a woman (not a specific one right now but there have been a few in the past) but I value my relationship with DH, I know I can't cheat without at least one out of the three of us getting hurt even if it is only me, I don't want a one night stand, I don't want to leave DH, I don't want to never be with a woman again. I think I might be greedy. I don't think if I was straight I would think about other men and hand wring over only shagging DH.

I want to be in sliding doors but instead of cheating knobend vs soulmate I want DH and helen mirren a woman.

Sorry for the hijack. I'm not coming out because I'm not going to leave DH so coming out wouldn't achieve anything but it has been therapeutic to write this down.

Bossybritches22 Sun 23-Oct-11 17:52:30

Glad its helped OYG, must be confusing. I did wonder for the longest time if I was bi & it was very confusing but I decided I had lived a lifetime trying to fit into a lifestyle that wasn't natural for me. Gay I was/am & that in itself was a great source of comfort even if I never act on it.

outyougo Sun 23-Oct-11 19:02:51

I think I am over the confusion to a certain extent. Its the What if..s? that are killing me. What if I hadn't broken up with my g/f when I was 19? What if I met a woman instead of DH at that point in my life? What if its too hard to never have a same sex relationship ever again? What if I can't do it? What if my parents hadn't been so conventional? And the big one. What if I meet a woman who knocks me off my feet and I blow my life apart to be with her? I don't want to blow my life apart. I never think I would meet another man who would do that but I always have this niggle that there is a girl out there for me somewhere. I've had crushes on RL people and they have always faded away. I met a woman in a bar once and we had an almost kiss before I buggered off. I didn't want to cheat and I didn't want to be caught cheating by the mum friends i was out with but i did want to kiss her and the rest. Probably loads of straight people ask similar questions (What if X was single when I first met him? Can I go the rest of my life without shagging anyone else etc...) but I am giving mine special status that they aren't really entitled to.
I've been like this for the past couple of years so maybe its just the 7 year itch manifesting itself with complications. Probably I'll settle down again soon. I am largely happy, it is 'settle down' rather than 'settle'.

Sorry again for the outrageous hijacking. I should start my own thread. AIBU to want to have my cake and eat it? grin

Bossybritches22 Mon 24-Oct-11 12:20:07

YA totally BU ....grin but I get you!

Thing is all couples go through this "what if " at some stage it seems, it's part of the growing within the relationship & settling into something more comfortable,slightly less intense but hopefully a deeper more permanent state. (don't mean that to sound boring)

Arrange a w/e away with DH & have some fun together, or if you're broke treat yourselves to a w/e at home with lots of nice food & drink or pub meals out & just be together & give your sex life a boost.

Don't dwell too much on the what-ifs...therein lies madness! confused

dancingbackwards Sun 06-Nov-11 22:05:57

Me. Not out to anyone, incl DH (namechanged obviously!) it's something I am trying to work through at the moment. Am I Bi as I always thought, or just gay? V v confused and at the same time it all seems clear. Have appointment with counsellor in a few week's time, but feeling very isloated at the moment. HAve young DCs, but things have not been right with DH for a long time and at moment we are rowing a lot. He knows I had rlx with a woman pre-him, but put it down to teen 'phase'. Am only now starting to realise that may be not so. It's horrendous, and I am going in circles with the fear of breaking up the family vs the fear of never feeling I can passionately connect with anyone. I found the askjoanne site, have been browsing but too nervy to post just yet. Only posting on this thread because have had two glasses of wine.

Bossybritches22 Sat 12-Nov-11 18:11:20

Hi dancing-sorry only just seen this post.

Bless you it's not an easy time, glad you found the AJ site, it was a big relief to me to realise I wasn't alone/frigid/mad!!

PM me if you want a private natter. I remember all those feelings all too well. grin

Just go slowly & don't make any sudden moves before you are really ready.

Needtotellsomeone Fri 02-Dec-11 13:34:39

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Needtotellsomeone Fri 02-Dec-11 13:45:44

That was just a test post.

I am married with 2 kids. One one the way. Dh is lovely in many ways although I have quite a low libido and we don't have sex that often at all.

My first ever relationship was with a woman (aged 16/17) This lasted quite a while on and off. Then I saw a man for about 2 weeks and had my first straight sexual experience with that man. After that I went out with a woman for 2 + years all the time hiding it from my parents. We eventually split up and I went on a kind of self sabotaging one night stand rampage and slept with lots of men, maybe about 10, I then realised this wasn't making me feel good about myself so stopped that.

A while later I met my dh and we fell for each other quickly and got married within 2 years. I do love him and we are very similar. I kind of made a conscious decision I was going to be straight and get married and have kid etc before I met him. I felt shame as my parents suspected but weren't accepting. I am no longer in touch with them anyway now as it happens due to lots of toxic behaviour.

There have been times I've wanted to end this relationship over the years but have stuck it out and a lot of the time it's good.

Lately I have been thinking about women and what my life would have been like if I'd taken the other road so to speak. I found myself spontaneously crying about it, crying at the sadness that I felt I had to make a choice. I don't even know if that's what I want but I'm not sure if I've even true to myself or not. I don't see any way to change the situation now as the dc are young and happy and lovely. I couldn't blow their world apart on a sad regretful feeling, on a whim.sad

Needtotellsomeone Sat 03-Dec-11 21:12:52

Anyone around?sad

oksonowwhat Sun 04-Dec-11 01:10:58

Oh god my situations a mad one i think! Don't think i know WHAT i'm doing to be honest!!! I've had male relationships more or less all my life, got teenage children now.

I had a relationship with a girl when i was a teenager. I've never really thought about whether i'm lesbian/straight/bi just went into the relationships with men throughout my adult life. Since i split up with my partner three years ago all i think about is women!! I just feel i now want a relationship with a woman. I actually cannot stand a man coming near me, can't even give them the time of day for a chat!!!

Strange thing is my daugher is in a relationship with a girl and has been for probably nearly two years now but I feel it would shock them if i came out!! I don't even know if i need or am ready to come out!! I'm a mess!!!

I can't go to any gay clubs as i don't actually have anyone to go with! So i'm probably stuck like this, in kind of limbo for ever, well thats how i feel!!!

Nice to post this and read over everyone elses posts.

ABumDance Sun 04-Dec-11 22:34:07

It's great to not be alone in my feelings but it's awful to know that other people are feeling the same pain as I am. My parents are completely against gay and lesbian relationships so all my life I have felt I have had to be straight. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be who I truly am because my family mean so much to me and I would not want to walk away from them but I hate knowing that my current relationship isn't complete enough for my partner. We are happy together but he deserves so much better doesn't he!!

oksonowwhat Mon 05-Dec-11 20:39:52

You also deserve happiness don't you?? Thats the problem, worrying about other people in your case i suppose. I really don't know the answer. Its easy to say, go for it, do what makes you happy, but like you've said, for you that would bring consequencessad

My problem is getting out of the 'mum', work, humdrum life situation and actually going somewhere to meet someone!! I went to a gig in London a few weeks ago and mixed with so many gay people i felt completely at ease but that was a opportunity thats not likely to come round again sadly.

What do you do, live your life not really working out what you want? Its all crazy!!!

Wish you the best i really do.

dancingbackwards Mon 05-Dec-11 21:28:01

needtotell and ABumDance sorry, I only just came back to this thread. I wish I had some good words for you, but about the best I can manage is you're not alone. Try and be kind to yourself. If you want to PM me feel free to.

oksonowhat I wonder if you could try the gingerbeer message boards and go to a couple of meet ups? Good luck!

Needtotellsomeone Mon 05-Dec-11 22:30:54

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