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DD says she wants to be male but refuses to talk to anyone about it

(11 Posts)
MumGoneCrazy Sat 04-May-19 22:50:47

DD is 14 in July, 2 years ago she told us she was bisexual and the whole family was supportive, she openly talked about who she liked and who she was going out with at the time, she's had 2 boyfriends and 1 girlfriend since then.
Last year she told us she was actually pansexual and again we've been supportive and communication was good until 2 months ago when one day she told us she wants to be male and all her friends call her by her chosen male name, I tried to ask a few questions for example how long has she felt like this (answer was a while) and would she like to talk to anyone about it like a doctor or therapist but that's when she screamed I hate therapists and run out of the room. She's never seen a therapist before so don't know where the strong reaction came from and since then she refuses to talk about it and will walk away if me or dh try to talk about it.
My confusion comes from the fact it was so out of the blue and she's never acted like a 'typical' boy would. She's never complained or been upset by having periods, boobs or curvy hips and is always wearing skinny Jean's or a skirt with a cropped shirt, she even wore a short dress to youth club last week. She has long hair and loves having it curled or styled, has more nail varnish than the local salon and rarely goes out without make up. She's very girly.
For the past month we've just ignored the whole subject so no arguments are started but yesterday she sent me a text from a friends phone saying "mum it's Bob (not real chosen name) I'm going to be late". I thought when she got home it would be a good time to bring it up again as I mistakenly thought she was opening up again by using her chosen male name but nooooo I was so wrong and as soon as I asked if we could talk she shut me down and run off to her bedroom.
I just don't know what to do, should I just leave her alone until she comes to me?

HollowTalk Sat 04-May-19 22:54:03

You know what I'd do? I'd get her off the internet altogether. It does so much damage with confused children.

MumGoneCrazy Sat 04-May-19 23:02:12

She doesn't have a phone and only has use of a laptop for homework purposes

Bunnybigears Sat 04-May-19 23:03:20

I would probably ignore it to be honest, she seems happy enough in her female body and apart from her friends using her chosen Male name nothing has changed, she hasn't started wearing binders, being upset about periods, asking family to use her male name. Deciding she is pansexual and her friends using her male name just sounds like teenage experimentation or trying out the latest 'fashion' I would make sure she knew you were there to talk to then never mention it again unless she does.

allatsea123 Tue 07-May-19 21:49:06

We have been going through our dd saying she wants to be a boy for 2 1/2 years, she wears boys clothes etc uses name at college ( not at home) hates periods etc. Your dd sounds as though she is just experimenting, I would just leave her to it. She probably can't explain herself very well and if it's no big deal to her maybe doesn't really want/ need to talk about it. Let her know she can come to you if she wants to and leave it at that. Hopefully it will be something she just works through. Good luck x

stucknoue Tue 07-May-19 22:01:46

My DD's good friend announced at 15 she wanted to be known as a male name - we all went along but she never told her mother, she wore male style clothes etc and sports bras to minimise her chest. Anyway 3 years on she's changed her mind, she is now a she and even wore a dress.

What in saying is support but don't facilitate at this age, it's quite common to experiment

Italiangreyhound Tue 14-May-19 00:13:05

It all sounds tough OP. Thinking of you.

TrashyTerf Tue 14-May-19 00:27:07

Don't fight against it, as that will probably lessen the communication and make her rebel more.

Try to use her "male name" and pronouns. It won't do any harm. In fact, it's likely to show her that you respect her and are listening.

The best advice long term is to "watch and wait".

Fairenuff Tue 14-May-19 00:31:47

only has use of a laptop for homework purposes

Are you sure. The 'fear of therapists' sounds like it's come from social media influence.

Gingerkittykat Tue 14-May-19 01:42:53

My DD decided she was non binary for a while, wanted to use gender neutral pronouns and wore male clothes including boxers.

She is still gender non conforming in the way she dresses but luckily identifies as female again.

I think it is a common fad these days. Trying out identities is a normal thing for teenagers.

One of her friends at college decided she was male, the college let her self identify as male on the system. This girl worse stereotypical female clothes, had long pink hair and got hysterical when an exam invigilator questioned whether or not she was actually a boy called Jack as it said on her ID. She said she just happened to be a boy who liked girls clothes and make up. Said girl is now back to being a girl.

Read some of the feminism board posts which will give you more info. As long as she doesn't try and make any permanent physical changes then try not to worry too much.

Italiangreyhound Tue 14-May-19 19:25:16

TrashyTerf I think that is good advice.

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