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My Transgender Daughter

(73 Posts)
mamma132 Thu 21-Feb-19 22:33:35

Just over a year ago, my dd (ds back then) came out of the closet as a bisexual trangender girl. I'm making this thread so that anyone who has a child in the lgbt+ community can reach out for support and advise from someone who has seen it happen firsthand. I would have found this thread really useful 14 months ago, and I hope it can be that helpful for someone now. I'll try to respond to as many comments as possible, but I might not get round to all of them.

Italiangreyhound Fri 22-Feb-19 03:30:26

How have you adjusted mamma132 to thinking of your child as a daughter rather than a son?

How old was your child when they told you?

Did your child go to a gender identity clinic and if so how long did you wait to be seen?

Are there other children in the family/a partner/husband/wife for you, and how did it affect them?

Thanks for being open about a very difficult topic.

SD1978 Fri 22-Feb-19 04:04:16

Did/do they have a ROGD diagnosis?

Steeve Fri 22-Feb-19 04:35:47

Nothing to add, DD is in the LGBT+ bracket, just wanted to say thank you for making the thread and being open.

mamma132 Fri 22-Feb-19 10:23:33

Of course adjusting to my child being a daughter was hard, but after time I got used to it, calling her "she" and "her". She was 14 when she told me. She has not been to a gender identity clinic. She has an older brother and a dad (my husband) and they were both very supportive as well. They have never had an ROGD diagnosis. Thanks for your support!

merrybloomizoothief Fri 22-Feb-19 10:25:12

so is she just presenting as a girl in terms of clothes/hair/make up etc?

do yyou think it's something she will stick with or do you think she will change as she gets older?

CleverQuacks Fri 22-Feb-19 10:28:43

I am just starting this journey with my daughter (previously son). She is 11. I have to admit that at the moment I am at a loss with it all. I am trying so hard to remember to call her “she” and “her” but I can’t stop thinking of her as my beautiful boy. It’s so hard.

NameyMcNameChange1 Fri 22-Feb-19 10:33:37

mamma is she waiting for an appointment at a gender clinic? Has she had any kind of counselling (either nhs or private)? Will she be having surgery in the future?

flashbac Fri 22-Feb-19 10:35:29

Brave of you to post. Are you getting proper support? Please don't go to Mermaids...
11 is very young @cleverquacks. Has your child been assessed by a qualified person who has no hidden agenda?

CleverQuacks Fri 22-Feb-19 10:39:27

@flashbac that is my worry. She is so young to be making such a huge decision about her future. I am so worried she is going to regret it and doesn’t realise what a hard road she has chosen.

flashbac Fri 22-Feb-19 10:41:07

How much influence are they getting from external sources e.g the internet?

CleverQuacks Fri 22-Feb-19 10:44:37

My daughter doesn’t have unsupervised access to the internet. She has a tablet but I check that daily and she only uses it downstairs where I can see what she is accessing. So unless she accesses the internet at school I don’t think it’s having much of an influence.

merrybloomizoothief Fri 22-Feb-19 11:01:08

cleverquacks-11 really is a child.
can i ask why you felt the best bet was go along with it rather than just explain that men and women and boys and girls come in all different shapes and sizes and can wear what they want and do what they want but essentially stay male or female?

CleverQuacks Fri 22-Feb-19 11:31:01

My daughter has said she wants to be a girl for as long as I can remember and I have allowed her to choose girls clothes, princess dresses etc since she was old enough to choose. But as she has got older she has got increasingly distressed about not being a girl and has been saying that she wants to harm herself. It felt like the only option to keep her safe. Since we have supported her in being a girl she has been so much happier.

merrybloomizoothief Fri 22-Feb-19 12:03:48

if you were advising someone else with a much younger child who said that they wanted to be a girl when they were very little, would you say to go down the road of allowing them to choose dresses etc or would you 'make' them be more conforming?

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Feb-19 00:32:00

CleverQuacks my heart goes out to you and all the brave mums and dads facing this, and most of all to the children. Such a tough route.

Until it affected our friends and wider family I was full of thoughts about how I would tackle it etc. But seeing it up close, seeing he distress etc, it is so tough.

I hope you and mamma132 and any other parents have got support for yourselves. thanks

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Feb-19 00:32:26

the distress

SD1978 Sat 23-Feb-19 02:24:25

I find it difficult, as I see gender and sex as quite different. I have a female child, who doesn't do pink, princesses and fluff- wasn't brought up this way. I find it interesting than those who choices to identify as a different sex, seem to want to embrace a gender stereotype, which doesn't exist for most children who that gender is usually ascribed to. Is it because they feel that they will fit in better with their chosen gender, if they are seen as the stereotype of that gender do you think? Have the schools all been supportive of both your child and other children in their class?

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Feb-19 08:26:29

SD1978 I know what you mean.

Although trans men/boys might say men can wear anything, if they want to pass as male they don't.

It is called gender dysphoria, but for lots of girls it seems to be sex dysphoria as they really hate their breasts and feel for them having breasts is wrong.

I wonder if the parents of trans girls can say if it is about feeling their body is wrong or more about clothes presentation.

I know on the recent documentary on this that both the trans men were concerned about getting a deeper voice.

Which kind of fits with body dysphoria but also how someone otesents.

Trans womem might lament their deeper voice. Is it simply because it reveals their sex or something more?

PinkfluffySlippers63 Sat 23-Feb-19 16:49:08

I could do with some advice please. My child (14) born a DD wants to be a DS and uses a male name, male pronoun but goes to a large all female school. He came out about 18 months ago, I'm supportive of him and he's currently going to CAMHS whilst waiting for his appointment at the Tavistock. For various reasons he now wants to move school - to another all female school.
I don't understand that if he's really certain about wanting to change genders why would he want to be in an environment where there are no male role models. When I've asked him - he doesn't have a very satisfactory answer.... Any advice ??

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Feb-19 02:43:31

PinkfluffySlippers63 is he being bullied at school at all? You said a large school is the 'new' school a small one?

My female relative identifies as a boy bit doesn't particularly like the usual 'male-identified' sports or hobbies, dorsn't seem to have any make friends or role models etc. Just is distressed at being female and hates having breasts.

I think of you feel tour child is in the right school maybe see if you can persuade them to stay, or let them try the new school.

In your shoes I'd not want to find a mixed school simply for male role models.

Is there any chance your child might identify as a girl if they went to the new school?


Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Feb-19 02:44:29

Sorry for typos!

SD1978 Sun 24-Feb-19 03:48:20

Whilst I u serstand not moving a child who chooses to self identify out of a gender specific school, to expect to be able to move them into one- I have an issue with that. He wants to be known as a male, with male pronouns, and male gender, and yet wants to be accepted in a female specific school. I can't agree with that. Otherwise all boys should be accepted, and vice versatility for boys only schools. These schools are still 'protected' and allowed to accept based on sex of the child. To want to be male, but choose to use female schools as the natal sex, seems a bit like picking and choosing when to be identified as male or female, when having picked the opposite gender. Regardless, I wish all the best to your child, but this I would have an issue with.

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Feb-19 09:01:27

SD1978 "These schools are still 'protected' and allowed to accept based on sex of the child. To want to be male, but choose to use female schools as the natal sex, seems a bit like picking and choosing when to be identified as male or female, when having picked the opposite gender."

How do you think this child has changed their sex? It's single sex education not single gender.

You cannot change your biological sex. And even the things you can do, like having the appearance of one's genitals reconfigured, won't be available until at least 18 plus. It's unlikely a child would be able to acces criss sex hormones before 16? 18? (Does anyone know?)

So this child is biologically female, and socialised as female etc. They are unlikely to be stronger than the average girl.

I totally get that the new school may be able to refuse on law. But I don't legally see how they can refuse as sex is a protected characteristic under law.

Sowhatifisaycunt Sun 24-Feb-19 09:15:27

My DD, 12 recently confided that she thinks she’s transgender. We talked and it transpires she feels different from other girls. I raised her to pursue her own interests rather than those dictated by societal stereotypes.

She meets criteria for high functioning ASD but we decided against getting a formal diagnosis, and plumped instead for accepting her for who she is so that she can love and accept herself. She says she’s attracted to both sexes, and thankfully she doesn’t need to mutilate her body in any way to grow up to be a proud bisexual female.

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