13 nearly 14 DD wants to be a boy(17 Posts)
Hope you're having a good weekend.
My 13 (very nearly 14) DD told me and DH a few months ago that she wasn't interested in boys and fancied girls. No problem, at all.
Last week, DD says she doesn't know what gender she is, doesn't identify with a gender but wants to be a boy. After a chat DD says she wants to bind her chest and have a boy haircut, wear boys clothes and have a boys name. Totally out of the blue.
Just a bit of background, DD also said she thinks she is dyslexia because a YouTuber she watches is dyslexic and she thinks she is too. When school had anxiety awareness week, DD came home and said that she thinks she has anxiety. We've had issues with DD in the past where she acts out or simply won't talk until she gets her own way (mainly at school) and if she has no interest in something, she will do anything she can do so she doesn't have to do it. She will also act younger to get her own way etc.
Me and DH have no idea where to start with the gender issue so, I am asking for any advice on this.
I'm in a similar position with DS16. I'd recommend PROGD, and transgender trend. Lots of interesting reading also in feminist chat.
We've tried not to push back with our DS as we are hoping he's just trying to find a peer group and will change his own mind. It's still terrifying though.
Has your daughter changed her appearance at all? Our son hasn't.
Those groups are helpful but also a little overwhelming. I try to remember that those who's children changed their minds are no longer posting there.
This is at the moment a "trend" from the internet. I'm in my late 20s. If I was a parent these days I would be restricting and/or monitoring internet use, social media etc, until age 16/17, and finding out what is being taught at school. Lots of nonsense is posted online by "influencers", and being spread in schools , and children are being easily led and confused. Nowadays seems everything "girl" is super feminine, and with Instagram and social media full of "perfect" looking ultra feminine girls/women, no wonder some girls are unhappy and feeling they don't fit in.
"she doesn't know what gender she is, doesn't identify with a gender but wants to be a boy. After a chat DD says she wants to bind her chest and have a boy haircut, wear boys clothes and have a boys name"
- First she needs to know that sex and gender are not the same thing
- She doesn't need to know what 'gender ' she is. Her sex is female. 'gender ' is a social construct, based on cultural/patriarchal sexist stereotypes forced upon us because of our sex. It is only in the last couple of years children are being led to sit down and think about what 'gender' they are based on their likes and dislikes and whether our society views those likes and dislikes as being masculine/for males or feminine/for females. We are supposed to be ridding ourselves of sexist stereotyping. Not altering ourselves to fit in with it.
- Doesn't need to "identify" as a gender. She is what she is.
- Doesn't sound truly transgender. - any evidence of gender dysphoria - distress /discomfort about being in the wrong sexes body would indicate that - Be careful even if they say/show indications of gender dysphoria this can be because they have read that they should have this and so pretend to do so. Also could have this because of unease about bodily change s due to growing up/puberty, which is natural. Also body dysmorphia - not liking parts of your body, just bec ause you don't like them, doesn't make you trans.
- Wants to be a boy? Why?
- Wants to bind her chest? Why?
- No such thing as a boys haircut or boys clothes. She needs to know this. This stuff is all made up. It is different in different cultures/countries/time periods. Girls can have whatever haircut and clothes they want. She can be a gender non-conforming girl.
she can do all these things and also change her name but she will still be female. A girl. Biology. Chromosomes. she can have whatever likes/dislikes and personality she wants. Without having to change herself to a boy.
You don't want to push her away from you though, and into these other people's hands. Keep communicating.
This is the website for 'transgender trend' mentioned in the post above
Do you have any thoughts she at be o autistic spectrum? Try reading up on tgis on relation to gender and other things.
There is s forum for parents with ROGD Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria.
Listen to her. Go slow but be open. That's the best advice I could give. Be her friend so of/when things change she can tell you.
Best of luck.
Sorry so many typos!
this is so hard.
Do you have any thoughts she could be on the autistic spectrum? Try reading up on this in relation to gender and other things.
Parents of children with ROGD.
Very fashionable thought at the moment, aproblemshared.
Just be nice to her and tell her she can make her mind up when she is older but at the moment she is too young to actually do anything. She can dress as she likes of course.
Then change the subject.
@jessstan2 this is a genuine question, is there someone trans identifying in your extended family or circle of friends and has this advice worked?
"Just be nice to her and tell her she can make her mind up when she is older but at the moment she is too young to actually do anything. She can dress as she likes of course.
Then change the subject."
This is the kind of thing we tried in our extended family with the same issue. Not really sure anymore how my friend who has a trans identifying child is tackling things now as we see a lot less of them and the child has changed schools.
Anyway, just asking because we found after a year of ignoring things the issue was still there and the child did want to talk about and not have the subject changed. It was incredibly hard. We were worried that talking about it would make it worse. But not talking about it hasn't made it better either.
Just wanted to ask.
My daughter did exactly the same as yours is doing now, at the same age.
I went along with it all (in the absence of knowing what else to do!). We did the whole Tavistock and UCLH thing, school made the toilets gender neutral, we name changed, went to every ‘trans’ event we could etc. And then 3 years later she changed her mind.
She has since said to me (not in a blaming way), that she wishes I had just put my foot down, and told her not to be so silly.
It’s very difficult, and I feel for you OP.
@whateveryousay that's amazing.
Bit how hard for you.
Just to say we had not gone along with it at all (certainly for first 7/8 or so months) and child is still adamant. So had you not gone along, you may have found she didn't simply desist.
May I ask, what is the UCLH thing?
Can you give any clue what changed things for your child.
Oh I’m sure she wouldn’t have desisted, so in retrospect, I still think it was probably right to let it run it’s course.
UCLH is University College Hospital London, where you are referred once you’ve been assessed at the Tavistock, in order to see an endocrinologist for hormone blockers.
Frighteningly, she was approved and prescribed the blockers, but never took them. I think perhaps this was part of the turning point, perhaps realising this was real, and serious.
I don’t want to say too much here, in case I out myself or daughter, but I’m happy to answer any questions if you want to PM me @italiangreyhound.
Thank you for sharing this whateveryousay , we really need to hear about those children who do eventually desist. We are going through the same thing and are awaiting appointments at the Tavistock. I am really hoping my daughter will see this run its course and come out the other end comfortable being herself. It's living with uncertainty for so long that is really hard to do.
Don’t talk nonsense 2kidsstress
Transgender Trend have provided sensible, measured advice. It’s well worth a read OP I’m sure you can make your own mind up after reading it, here’s a link.
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