Should my daughter come out or not?

[Dragonbait]

Hello. I'd appreciate any advice please. I have a 13 year old daughter who has recently said that she is gay. She has a crush on another girl and has found out today this girl is bisexual. This girl is going to a pride event at the school on Friday and now my daughter wants to go.

My daughter has a really hard time at school as she already doesn't fit in (suspected aspergers). The last few weeks we have been to hell and back. I'm usually always about children being free to be themselves but I'm so worried that in 'outing' herself she will only face more grief at school? Please tell me things in school have improved towards LGBT kids from when I was at school? The last few weeks have been heartbreaking and I don't want her lining herself up for more torture. Thanks x

[SJane45S]

I think in all honesty (and while I wish that I could be more sunshiney) it depends on where you live. My eldest DD had her first girlfriend at 15. While her friends were understanding and supportive there was an idiot section in the small Sussex village we lived in that cat called her 'dyke', 'lesbo' etc etc in the street. Very hard for her as she had (and still has at 23
) huge self image problems. If you live in a more cosmopolitan city, things might be different and the fact the school is holding a Pride event suggests it's a more accepting area. I don't think she should hide who she is or be encouraged too but I completely understand your concern and worry - you're just being protective. At my youngest DD's Primary, 'gay' is still a term of abuse or a word used for something a bit lame. I do think it this got more attention at primary school, things for all LGBT teenagers and adults would be easier and less prejudiced.

[Dragonbait]

Thank you for your reply. We live in Durham. I think her school is reasonably open to this. And funnily enough this week her school banned the use of the term 'gay' for anything other than an individual talking of their own sexuality. As it is she didn't get to the Pride event. She got as far as the door but freaked out because of the crowd of people. She was disappointed because she wanted to go but she is suffering a lot with anxiety at the moment x

[SJane45S]

I think it does take time Dragonbait - my DD suffered hugely with anxiety down to her sexuality and weight (self harming etc - a horrible period in her life and ours). I think what has made a huge difference in her case - and one which would have probably made a difference earlier - is having a strong group of bi/gay/transgender friends who all support each other and build each other up. She's a lot stronger these days for it. I appreciate your daughter is younger but perhaps she could find support network online and arrange (safe & vetted) meet ups?

[Darlingsof]

Encourage her to be herself, she shouldn't need to hide. But also talk to her about resilience and the fact that some people may give her grief, call names etc. I'd definitely let her attend a Pride event - you don't have to be gay to go to one. If she doesn't fit in then that's something she'll be dealing with now anyway. Allowing her to be herself will help her, her self confidence and self belief. Her sexuality doesn't need to be something that's hidden way, nor does she have to make a big fuss either.
As for has it got better in schools? God yes... homophobic bullying was allowed or ignored for years as schools couldn't 'promote' homosexuality i.e. even admit that LGBT kids existed and needed support. When I was in school it was as if I didn't exist. The school will deal with any issues she has, coming out might even give her more protection.
There is lots of advice out there for LGBT teens too - start at Stonewall - support groups, people she can talk to. To share experiences with.
She's lucky to have supportive parents, far too few LGBT kids do...