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Is my DD too afraid to come out to me?

(13 Posts)
singingdeborah Tue 12-Sep-17 22:49:57

Usually, I don't check DDs gadgets. She is 16 and is very sensible and never gives me a reason to be overprotective of her. However, I saw a message notification from a boy on her tablet saying 'f*ck you, stupid b*tch. why did you break her heart you insensitive c*nt? honestly go and die'

This shook me up, so immediately I went onto the messaging app and found out that DD had been in a relationship with another girl. From what I saw, they were in a good relationship for a long time, but DD broke up with her yesterday evening, saying (greatly summarised, the conversation of the break up was very long) that she is so sorry and that she really loves her, but that her parents (us) are homophobic and won't let her date girl???

The girl seemed very upset, and then I found an angry message from someone threatening to punch DD for breaking up with the girl, similar along to the message that the boy sent that lead me to check the messages. I can only assume girl has told her friends and the friends have greatly retaliated.

My heart is broken. Why did she not tell me and DP about her sexuality? She's always told us everything before, she's been open with everything because we trust her and treat her like an adult and I don't think I've ever made any comments that would make her afraid to come out. I would accept her if she came out to me, she's my daughter!

Is her breaking up with the girl my fault? Is it because of me she's now receiving such hateful messages from peers? I feel like the worst parent ever right now sad please can someone help me out on this one?!

plantsitter Tue 12-Sep-17 22:53:25

You're going to have to ask her about it. Maybe prefaced with 'we love you and don't care what your sexuality is but want to help you so what's all this...?'

plantsitter Tue 12-Sep-17 22:54:37

(I think the chances are she just wanted to finish with the girl and used your 'homophobia' as an excuse. Still unpleasant for her to deal with.)

Cantthinkofanythinggood Tue 12-Sep-17 23:00:04

Agree sounds like she was wanting to break up but wasn't equipped to deal with the situation/pressure so just blamed it on homophobic parents. She's so young, at that age it's easy to get too serious too soon & not know how to back out of it. She may still be unsure about her sexuality. You need to let her know she can talk to you about that specifically, find a way to broach the subject that she'll find comfortable - you know her better than anyone

ILoveDolly Tue 12-Sep-17 23:02:48

My first thought was that she used you as a convenient excuse. But, you are going to have that awkward conversation to let her know how you feel now or it will start to eat at you.

ClandestineAdulation Tue 12-Sep-17 23:05:36

My brother didn't come out to my parents for years because he was worried about what they would say, and they hadn't made any homophobic comments or anything if the sort. To be honest, they suspected he was gay for a while but just wanted him to tell them.

My mum asked him in the end, and he broke down in tears of relief.

Difficult to say how your DD would react, but this gives you a good opportunity to bring it up; you've found concerning text messages on her phone so you're worried about her. A genuine reason to weave in your 'we don't care what your sexuality is, we just want you to be happy...'

Good luck flowers

Athena404 Tue 12-Sep-17 23:18:10

Why does she need to tell you the gender of the person she is currently dating? Spoilers she doesn't. If you aren't homophobic then it's just a face savings way of breaking up. People get angry chances are nothing will come of it. If she was worried she would tell someone. You went through her personal stuff which you had no right at all to be looking at. Just forget you saw it or if she finds out apologies and hope you haven't lost all of her trust.

Namethecat Tue 12-Sep-17 23:23:55

If I were you I'd leave it for a few days then drop a ' Are you ok ? I sense you've had something on your mind. ' Then if she doesn't open up then just say that she can come to you about anything. If she still doesn't want to discuss then you will just have to leave it there and wait until she's ready.

ProudPapa Tue 26-Sep-17 00:39:40

The best thing you can do for her is give her space and let her know in silent ways you support her. When you see anti LGBTQ activity on the news, speak out against it. When someone makes a homophobic or transphobic joke, shut them down. When you talk about her future, don't say "husband" or "boyfriend", just say "partner". Don't just be all talk. I know from experience that one of the greatest fears of a LGBTQ kid is having a parent who claims to support LBGTQ people but when their child is not straight or cis immediately turns because "their child can't be like those others". Let your actions speak for you. Maybe suggest a family outing to a local Pride when it rolls around?Let her know that you love and support her no matter who she loves.

noon12321 Fri 27-Oct-17 00:38:28

Hi, I understand what your daughter is going through, as i am in the exact same situation, i'm absolutely terrified to come out(i'm a 15 year old female). Right now the worst thing that could happen to me would be my mother confronting me about it, no matter if you would still love her (which by the way I hope you do, nothing will change about her when she manages to tell you, you will just know for sure that she's not straight, your daughter wouldn't have changed a bit as she's always been "that way" i don't know the sexuality of your daughter so i will not put labels on that bit) My advice is for you to allow her to tell you. She needs time to come out to herself as it is a hard thing to accept for yourself when growing up in a hetero and cis normative society. Once shes comfortable within herself then she'll tell you. Don't "out" her because this will significantly lower her confidence (my mother did this to me, she started asking too many questions and the answer "yes" to her question "are you gay?" slipped out of my mouth. I'm embarrassed to look at her because i feel that i've let her down and i feel ashamed. I do not wish this upon anyone, it's a horrible feeling and I assume that you do not wish this upon your daughter either.

I think you should drop the subject for now, don't bring it up in conversation till she is ready to tell you

stopbeingadramallama Fri 27-Oct-17 00:48:55

Sounds like she might have been using it as an excuse maybe.

Really don’t understand why anyone needs to ‘come out’. People should be able to date who they wanna date without having to explain themselves to anybody. Why should it matter?

imokit Fri 27-Oct-17 01:01:05

I agree with Noon
Don't confront her about sexuality.
Ask her if she's ok, have a general chat about whats going on in her life (don't push if she shuts you down).
Then find ways of making your views (and get your DH on board to do this too) on homosexuality. Eg if somethings in the news, come out and be expicit about your support for LGBT or come across an article about affirming parents who had a good reaction to their kid coming out (if you have a faith/cultural reason why your dd might think you may object to LGBT find a story from in your faith).
Make sure without confronting her that she knows that she can talk to you about that sort of thing.
Then give her time, to work things out herself. She may not be gay, she may bi, she may just not know. Let her come to you at her own space, and don't be offended if it takes time.
Its not a trust thing between the two of you. Its a growing up teen thing for her, which she gets to choose/work out how to deal with.

nooka Fri 03-Nov-17 03:11:20

Hello! I'm am nooka's DD. I am 17 years old and I am a bisexual. OP I really do think that you should have a chat to your daughter. Not necessarily a "are you gay?" but more on a "are you okay?". I think what she need right now is some support over the fact that she had broken up with someone.
I have been blessed with a family that loves me for who I am and when I came out (or more when I said that I'd liked girls too) I felt nothing but supported but that didn't mean I wasn't afraid. I had no reason to worry and yet I did so perhaps that is what happened.
Really when it comes down to it, talk to her.
I think (personally) that it would be much worse to find out that my mum found my texts and knew and didn't tell me than if my mum asked me about it.
Hope this helps!

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