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I would appreciate some advice for a 7yo who identifies as F2m.

(220 Posts)
Ginburee Mon 21-Aug-17 21:13:03

My first ever thread despite having lurked for years.
My 7yo daughter (and yes we use pronouns ATM) has lived as a boy since she was 3/4. Wears nothing but clothes bought in the male section and plays with stereotypical boys toys.
We have been totally child led and supportive and now we are heading to junior school am on the edge- do I see the GP and get a referral or carry on as we are?
She desperately wants to be a boy but had never specifically said she is one but we had an almighty tantrum on holiday as she didn't want to wear the rash vest that went with her shorts and just wanted trunks.
I am really open to her seeing other people but have been having an email conversation with GP and they have no idea what to do with a trans child so will refer on.
I am heading into unknown territory, hubby is supportive to a point but thinks if we have a referral they will 'push more trans issues' and he feels we should carry on as we are.
My child easily passes for a boy and has an adaptable name that she has been using for the last few years.
I could really do with (a massive gin and a big hug) and some advice from people who have been there.

SavoyCabbage Mon 21-Aug-17 21:18:35

So she's a seven year old who doesn't wear dresses or have long hair?

That doesn't make her identify as male! She's just a little girl who doesn't want to play with dolls. Mine doesn't either, she wants to be a tiger wrestler when she grows up.

Boys wear rash vests. My dh always wears one so but he doesn't say he is a woman.

I think you should relax.

HattiesBackpack Mon 21-Aug-17 21:22:36

She's 7.

Leave her be.

YellowLawn Mon 21-Aug-17 21:22:44

it's totally normal for children to have phases where they do not folliw stereotypes. she was not 'living as a boy' she is just a child who prefers trousers, a practical haircut and regular children's toys.

HattiesBackpack Mon 21-Aug-17 21:24:12

Sorry meant to add:

What SavoyCabbage said !

KeepCalm Mon 21-Aug-17 21:25:21

@Ginburee my middle DC is exactly like this and has been since very young.

Please be prepared for unsupportive comments on here. I rarely mention it as a result.

Our middle kid is constantly reminded that we are proud of her and she makes us happy every single day.

As are our other two DC.

The GP says there are no physical indicators to be concerned about.

We are completely child led but are aware that, at the age of 11yrs, we are hurtling towards puberty & high school.

Informal chats with the teachers allows us all to be on the same page and the child psychologist is hopefully to be involved to facilitate a smooth transition from primary to high school.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans Mon 21-Aug-17 21:26:08

80% of children presenting as trans / gender nonconforming who don't go on medication become reconciled to their sex during puberty & usually grow into lesbian or gay adults.

The ones who get put on puberty blockers "to give them time to decide" almost always go from there to cross-sex hormones & then even if they do change their minds, the damage is irreversible. You really don't want that for your daughter. Let her be the girl she is.

www.statnews.com/2017/02/02/lupron-puberty-children-health-problems/

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret Mon 21-Aug-17 21:26:51

I must admit this ('my child is trans') really worries me, if there were no gender stereotyped toys and clothes would you still think they identified as 'f2m'?

It seems very much a buzzword at the moment and what used to be a 'tomboy' again a case of gender stereotyping is now a girl who 'identifies as a boy'.

Op your daughter may genuinely end up as transexual, but the chances are that she won't, don't be in too much of a hurry to bandy 'from' and 'trans' terms about, especially so young.

Ginburee Mon 21-Aug-17 21:27:22

Thanks Savoy, you are probably right.
I did totally forget to mention that she duped all of the dinner ladies at school as she has been using the boys loos. I only picked it up when she got a 'bump' note home that said 'he' had a cold compress (and yes I did speak to the school).
Also she is quite upset that she will get boobs when she is older (you can get them cut off mummy).
I just feel really torn ATM and want to do the right thing.
I do feel I am but other people (School mums) who are really supportive are mentioning things and questioning as they notice an obvious difference now she is older.

Fruitboxjury Mon 21-Aug-17 21:28:14

Totally agree with pp, leave her be and don't make a big deal out of it. Let her be her natural self and find where she's comfortable. By 2yo DD hates girls clothes and plays with dinosaurs but thats because she has an older brother who she adores, nothing more nothing less.

CosmicPineapple Mon 21-Aug-17 21:28:24

has lived as a boy since she was 3/4.

What does this mean?

OP she is 7. She cannot make life changing decisions at 7.
Allow her to wear and play with whatever she wants.
Address her by the name you gave her and use the prnouns that match the sex she was born.
If you refer to her as anything other than a girl or tell her that her toys/clothes/haircut are boy things you will confuse her and her reality.

Suppirting your child does not mean agreeing with every whim.

Fruitboxjury Mon 21-Aug-17 21:29:29

Does she have siblings or cousins, who does she spend most time with?

PotteringAlong Mon 21-Aug-17 21:30:16

I think you're being ridiculous. Just let her be. She's 7. My 5 year old boy wore a rash vest on holiday. It's not a male / female thing. Nor are toys or hair.

DermotOLogical Mon 21-Aug-17 21:31:28

My cousin was exactly the same. Aged 6_11 people who didn't know her thought she was a boy, boys clothes right down to pants.
As she started puberty she became more girly (hate that word). Now at 25 she is living as a female, make up, dresses the lot.

Let her live her life as she wants, do nothing until she's 18.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds Mon 21-Aug-17 21:31:44

My line on this isn't popular on mumsnet, but here goes.

Talk to her about being non-binary, gender fluid, etc... Give her, that is, the option of defining herself as not-female without having to resort to surgery/drugs. Let her call herself John and go by him not her. Don't tell her she's dumb or misguided, don't tell her that the last generation of feminists got it right and Gender Is Only a Social Construct.

Because even if it is only a social construct (and we know fuck all about our own minds so we can't know that and probably never will) it's a social construct she has to live within.

So maybe it's worth telling her that it's a funny old world and there are people with ovaries and the rest who feel male and that is ok, that is more than ok.

Slowcookerheaven Mon 21-Aug-17 21:32:29

She's 7. In the nicest possible sense. Catch a grip.

Child led does go a bit too far at times.

This is one if those.

I'd be saying that's nice dear yes you can have short hair me wear trunks now who wants an ice cream.

They're 7.

elevenclips Mon 21-Aug-17 21:32:31

OP I would post on a different forum for advice, get advice from people who have been through this. From most of what I've read on MN, posters generally shut trans stuff down.

in your position, I would keep an eye on your child's mental health. Often in these situations with trans children, they get to a position where they are suicidal due to being in the wrong body. Or your child might change as they get older and want to be a girl, it can be hard to know. But you are letting her lead you and watching her closely so you are doing the right thing

LoyaltyAndLobster Mon 21-Aug-17 21:32:50

OP what do you mean when you say she has lived as a boy? and also passes as a boy, I mean how?

ineedamoreadultieradult Mon 21-Aug-17 21:34:12

I used to throw tantrums when my mum made me cover up my top half on the beach because my brother's didnt have to. I only wore boys clothes and played boys games/toys etc. I did have long hair but that is because I wasn't allowed to get it cut. I was distraught about getting boobs and used to try and squash them away when I started to develop. I honestly thought when I started my periods that if I 'accidentally' hurt myself (I'm not sure how I thought I would do it) then the Drs would be forced to give me a hysterectomy.

I am now a fully functioning 30 something woman. I don't wear make up, very rarely wear a dress then it is under duress, do male dominated hobbies etc but I have a husband, two kids and am so thankful no one talked me I to considering myself trans and doing something irreversible.

15MinutesWithYou Mon 21-Aug-17 21:36:33

Just to say that my sister was like this. She also duped some dinner ladies- that bit of your OP really made me laugh as it reminded me- so that she could use the boys loos and tried to have a wee standing up! (It didn't work, she was in reception with short hair and a boys coat on in the playground. She ended up with wet knickers!)

She's now a 29 year old straight woman with no desire to be a man whatsoever. She got over what we called her "tomboy" phase aged about 11, just as puberty was starting. She continued to mainly have male friends (still does) and like stereotypically boys stuff (still does) but it was just a case of her not being a stereotypical girl. Nothing more. My parents basically ignored it and never made a big deal out of it.

museumum Mon 21-Aug-17 21:37:26

If she were my daughter I'd be 100% behind her wearing whatever she likes and doing/playing whatever she likes with whomever she likes.
I was a girl who wouldn't ever wear a dress/skirt. (Still don't do heels or makeup really)
This does not make her a him though and she shouldn't really use the toilets for people with penises.

When she's older there may be a way she can explain that she and her peers are comfortable with (gender fluid?) but personally I would discourage any notion that she can ever BE a boy or man as it's just not possible.

CosmicPineapple Mon 21-Aug-17 21:37:44

Eleven nobody is shutting down this thread.

being in the wrong body

That is crap by the way. You have the body you were born with. You do not know what its like to be in a different body so how can you be born in the wrong one?

VeryPunny Mon 21-Aug-17 21:39:53

Basically what everyone else said. Although I am quite disturbed by a seven year old knowing that you can get boobs cut off.

superram Mon 21-Aug-17 21:40:22

Contact mermaid for advice. I work with two young people who are female to male (no hormone transitioning yet). It is much easier than the 8 year old m to f my friends 'son' is currently going through as he has chosen a feminine name. At the moment I would leave things as they are, don't make a big deal but don't make her feel it is wrong. Regarding the rash vest-everyone in my family wears them-male and female or they stay indoors.

titchy Mon 21-Aug-17 21:40:32

I'd be saying that's nice dear yes you can have short hair me wear trunks now who wants an ice cream.

What she said ^^

In the nicest possible way, give your head a wobble. You have a dd who likes cars, and dislikes dolls. You don't have a trans child. Why would you even jump to that conclusion.

Don't suggest she can have her breasts removed and become a boy. DO tell her she can grow up and become a train driver/ racing driver / footballer or anything else she wants to be. Reinforce that girls can do all the things boys can do and that it's fantastic that she isn't following the crowd but being her own person.

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